Hark! Midterms approach!

Okay, so midterms are actually long over. The title inexplicably climbed into my brain though when I was pondering what to write about.
It's from an email title composed by the lovely Dr. Jones for all of his "fair and noble voice students" (his words not mine) around the middle of this past semester. I guess I just found it funny really.
Anywhich, there are 2 major excitements in my life right now!
1 being the completion of my chair, on which I am now sitting!
Now, I can't remember how much if at all I've talked about this chair... But it is very dear to my heart. What started as a simple garbage picking project turned into the fruit of my emotional turmoil. Turmoil is being over dramatic, but I was seriously bumming for a bit there and this chair allowed me to paint my emotions away.
It's not anything particularly impressive. Some of the colors blend where they aren't supposed to or don't when they are. My sharpie was on it's last leg when I was writing on my last leg, and my lines aren't straight, but I love it so much.
I'm proud to have successfully started and finished it, so I'm putting up pictures!






My second major excitement is the highly anticipated arrival of Christmas!
It's not just the season anymore! It's the day/eve!
I have always been a virtual Christmas fanatic. I wait all year, enjoy it thoroughly, and then get sad on the 26th. It's great. I love everything about the season. Even the snow and cold are manageable before Christmas! (after Christmas however, all bets are off)
The world turns magical around Christmas.
Everything sparkles
People are happier
Food tastes better
Music is joyful
There is an undeniable shift in the graces of community in general.
This year something feels different to me though.
Being brought up in church taught me about the nativity and such, but santa and presents and music and movies and friends have always been a big highlite of my Christmas experience.
This year though, the taste of Christmas is just stronger to me. More powerful. Something clicked that has never clicked before. I'm going to sound silly when I write it, like I'm pointing out the obvious thing that every church child would know. But I'm going to say it anyways.
Jesus' birth is real.
Like it really happened.
It's not like santa, this was a legitimate occurence!
God really did send his son to rescue us, he really was born in an uncomfortable situation.
Mary really was a strong faithful woman of God.
Joseph really was a trusting and believing follower. It's real!
And I'm not lying when I tell you that this is the first year that I have realized the poignancy of O Holy Night. The celebratory value of it, and the truth behind the words. It has quickly gone from being a Christmas song to get through to one to be turned up and worshipped to. Yep, worshiped. For it is a true praise song.
This season I'm celebrating what I've been told my entire life, with true sincerity.
Jesus is the reason for the season, and wow am I blessed and affirmed by that.
God has truly blessed me over this year, and you better believe I'm grateful for Him sending His beautiful son to be born and die for me.
I'm sitting in awe just thinking about it really.
If the celebration of this birth isn't a reason to be joyful this season, I don't know what is.
Marvel at this joyous occasion and use it as a vessle to let your thankfulness flow freely! The Son of GOD was sent to wipe us free of sin! Praise to the everlasting ever loving Father!
Merry Christmas!

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of the dear Savior�s birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here came the wise men from Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger,
In all our trials born to be our friend!

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His Gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His Name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy Name!

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Rolling in the deep

This has been one of the strangest weeks of this year.
It hasn't been bad or good really.
It's been interesting though.
Full of revelations, time with God, creativity, talking and not talking, not sleeping and driving.
I've turned my bedroom into a cave. There are blankets, pillows and clothes everywhere. Books and cds are strewn accross those. Dirty laundry mixed with clean, etc. It's crazy in here. I kind of love it though. I can just sit in my bed for hours reading and journaling and listening to music. I like that freedom. I've been thinking a lot too. About flaws and baggage and such. Have had some pretty interesting conversations about such things.
I can't say that much elaboration is necessary, but a lot has been changing.
My fingernails are even short. And unpainted. If that doesn't say personal change, I don't know what does.

I've fallen in love with The Avett Brothers. I've been casually listening for the last year, but this week something in their music just clicked with me. And so right now I'm just a big fan. I've found some other great music too. Like Charlene Soraia and the TFDI EP. Jesse Thomas. Emy Reynolds. Even Darren Criss. Who is on glee, but has an EP that is legitimately good. It's so refreshing for me to find music that reminds me why I love what I love. Why I want to do it for the rest of my life.

I'm sort of looking for a job. I'm definitely going to need one as my schedule doesn't allow for CYT@School next semester. Which means no big bucks! The idea of a job is just so unappealing to me though. Call me spoiled, I will tell you that I have worked for the past 4 years and I still don't like it. haha.

I caved and bought jeggings yesterday. When they came out I said never would I ever because they were tacky and unflattering. Now I really don't care if they are either because they are ridiculously comfortable and warmer than leggings. They are ideal winter bottoms for those who dislike pants and I wish I would have indulged before yesterday.

It's really cold outside! Most of the time it's cold inside too because our heat is sketchy and even nonexistent in some areas (i.e. my room). Inconvenient! Atleast I like sweaters.

The chair is my current project. I have been literally throwing full nights at completing it. It's not a masterpiece or anything, but it gives me the outlet to be creative that I need in order to process and think things through. The appearance of this chair is basically the result of my heavy emotion this week. And strangely, it seems like the closer to finishing it that I get the less emotional I get. I'm not sure how that happened.

Altogether, this has been a strange first week of break.

Take heart

Watch your words, for you hear what you say as well as those you speak too.
If actions come from your heart(the well spring of life[prov. 4:23]) and your input determines the condition of your heart, is it not important to watch what you say to others as well as what you subject yourself too? Input directly determines output.
Good words = good fruit for your spirit.

Some incentive to eat healthy over the holidays.

Stumbled upon

"Godly womanhood ... the very phrase sounds strange in our ears.
We never hear it now. We hear about every other type of women: beautiful women, smart women, sophisticated women, career women, talented women, divorced women. But so seldom do we hear of a godly woman - or of a godly man either, for that matter.
We believe women come nearer to fulfilling their God-given function in the home than anywhere else. It is a much nobler thing to be a good wife, than to be Miss America.
It is a greater achievement to establish a Christian home than it is to produce a second-rate novel filled with filth. It is a far, far better thing in the realms of morals to be old-fashioned, than to be ultra-modern. The world has enough women who know how to be smart. It needs women who are willing to be simple. The world has enough women who know how to be brilliant. It needs some who will be brave. The world has enough women who are popular. It needs more who are pure.
We need women, and men, too, who would rather be morally right than socially correct. [emphasis added]"



- Former U.S. Senate Chaplain Peter Marshall, 1940's

A Mirror Is Harder To Hold

My insides are totally at war right now. I guess I don't mean that literally, but I definitely mean it metaphorically. There is literally a BATTLE going on up in there. I wish I could say what was going on exactly, but I really don't know.
I do know that I feel heavy, despite being as happy as a clam to be on Christmas Break(which never felt like it would get here), and very uncomfortable with my surroundings.
I guess I'm struggling with falling into old habits.
And definitely with putting myself in friendship situations that I know are not right for me right now.
And mourning some friendships that I don't know how to fix.
And I've been very concerned with what I "need" lately, which is a huge struggle. Time with loved ones that I need. Time to myself that I need. Things that I need to get done. Thinking that I need to do. I need a job. I need good grades. I need to transfer. I need more sleep. I need better food. You know? There has been a lot of I need, and that's been blocking out a lot of God guidance I think. It's something that I think I try so hard to be wary of that I accidentally fall anyway because I'm trying so hard. When one focuses so hard on one thing, what else could happen. Satan knows how to get in the backdoor and cracks better than any one. This "I need" mentality is making me feel so isolated so quickly. I mean, today was my 3rd day of break and I already feel suffocated. I believe that says something about the way I've been spending my time. I wouldn't say trust has ever been a strong suit of mine, but I feel like maybe it's important that I focus less on what I feel like I "need" and more on trusting that God already knows what I really need. He is a great provider you know. If God really does work everything together for the good of those who love Him, then it is really just irresponsible for me to try and take control. I have faith that if I need time alone to recharge or hang out with myself and do crafty things then I will have that, and so on and so forth.
I've also been struggling with Prayer lately. This is kind of an important struggle for me. And definitely a personal one. I've realized that I sure do a lot of praying for myself, and I feel like maybe I don't pray as much for others as I wish I did.
I carry my relationships very close to my heart, but I think when it comes down to talking with God it's all me and very little others. It's like I get so excited that I don't even think about other people. I don't like that, and have resolved (right now) to work on it. I want to pray for my friends and my family. I want them to be blessed and lead lives that are full and I want to be a prayer warrior for them.
I think my house makes me afraid of responsibility. When I am at school I am super independent girl. I do everything for myself, I take initiative, I get things done. Not at home. There's something about home that makes me want to curl up under my mass of comforters and pillows, close the curtains and hide from the world. I am barely capable of doing anything and that freaks me out. Is it because climbing up my bed at school is too much work to bother trying to hide from the world? Probably not. I don't really have to think for myself here. I can sit, watch TV, eat, talk with my family and safely not get anything done. I basically got away with this all last year, the only difference is that now I care. Now I am used to being self sufficient. Now I want to grow and branch out and do things beyond my little bed nest. The challenge is kicking myself into gear.

So I guess maybe I do have some idea of what's going on inside after all.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, no fun. And I just want to go to OneThing so badly right now. I apparantly have somethings to sort out.
I'm in talks with Baylor this week, figuring that business out.
Doing no school work.
Sleeping more than I probably should be.
I have a lot of choices to make. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Ahhhhhh to be young (I am).

Bluebird

It would be ridiculous of me to even try to write about every that has happened in the last 3 months. College has been a whirlwind of friends, fun, not fun, homework, good food, bad food, sleep, theatre, movies, music, learning, tears, and laughter. It's almost poetic how much I've grown, how much I've learned about myself, and how much I've changed. I feel like a such a diferent person. Writing about it would have been good and smart, but this 3 month lag is what happens when you're required to keep a journal on your life for english class! I don't feel I have time for both. And I get graded on one. Now that winter is setting in I'm feeling especially like a melancholy. Deep, thoughtful, creative, a little nostalgic. I believe I spend more time thinking in one week of winter than I do for the entire of summer. Perhaps because my brain is in learning mode, or perhaps because I'm surrounded by my favorite things in winter and I find my self comfortable to think. The truth on that is ambiguous. I do love winter though. I mean I could live without temperatures that make my face hurt and slipping on ice, but thats only just now starting, so winter and I are still in the romantic obsessive phase of our relationship. I love the coziness of the season mostly. Sweaters, blankets, fires, hot drinks and foods, movies, snow, lights, the spirit of the world during the Christmas season. It's beautiful. There's a reason there's so many Christmas movies.
I am on Thanksgiving break right now and I am over the moon with joy about it. I was feeling so burned out and ready for a break. Even only 5 days. I'm only on my second day of break right now and I already feel more relaxed and myself. And Christmas break is just over the horizon! We go back to school Monday for a full week of papers, tests, and homework that may or may not be over due, but the week after that is finals week and then we're done for a full month! I'm so very grateful for it too :) A true blessing!
I"m in a unique place relationally right now. Some of my friendships are stuggling, some are stagnant, some are prospering, all are at a turning point. Life is a true adventure, moving so fast and so slow. I'm still figuring out who I am, and I'm really really enjoying it. I'm happy right now. I'm learning about coping through strife, which is building my character. And I'm working hard to depend solely on God, sometimes easy, sometimes not so much. I'm excited to see what happens next.

Word came through in a letter,
One of us changing our minds.
You won't need to guess who, since I usually do,
Not send letters to me that are mine.

I told you I saw this coming,
That I'd practically packed up my things.
Was glad at the time that I'd said I was fine but,
All honesty knows, I wasn't ready, no.

And so here we go bluebird,
Back to the sky on your own.
Oh let him go bluebird,
Ready to fly,
You and I,
Here we go.
Here we go.

This pair of wings worn and rusted,
From to many years by my side.
They can carry me swear to be,
Sturdy and strong but see,
Turning them on still means goodbye.

And so here we go bluebird,
Gather your strength and rise up.
Oh let him go bluebird.
Oh let him go bluebird.
Oh let him go bluebird.
Ready to fly,
You and I,
Here we go.
Here we go...

Day Eight: Create a bucket list, whether or not your aspirations or rational.

Listening to The Frames, in the Mac lab at the library at school! Wow. What a week and half it's been! Definitely a roller coaster ride. All blessings. Some in disguise, but definitely blessings anywhich. I'm truely happy to be here! It's pushing me and challenging me in ways that sometimes make me uncomfortable, but ways that I know will profit me ultimately. I'm trying to embrace all of my changes, making friends, embracing God's wisdom. I feel like I'be been here for a month, not a week and a half, but I know time will fly right past me from here on out. God is so good. All the time. He is all knowing and all fulfilling, and that has never been made clearer to me than since I've been here.

This bucket list will sooooo be a work in progress, but what the hey. Let's do it.

Completely Unofficial Bucket List:
1. Go to Europe, the UK, Bali, and Africa.
2. Make a pair of underwear. And want to wear them.
3. Graduate from college.
4. Pet a deer. (this is a Judson specific goal)
5. Get a tattoo.
6. Live in an apartment.
7. Live in a major city.
8. Go on a spontaneous road trip.
9. Learn conversational hebrew.
10. Keep an open mind.
11. Learn to play piano.
12. Take up some sort of sport.
13. Eat goat meat.
14. Jam with some one & learn to make jam.
15. Fall in love.
16. Befriend a homeless person.
17. Have a garden.
18. Learn to quiet my mind.
19. Lead a small group.
20. Own a pet.

Whoaaaaa that was cathartic. Look for more to come!
Here's to keeping off the freshman 15!
I really need to buy some jeans.

Grow up or throw up.

This is the theme of my life right now I feel like. haha. I start COLLEGE tomorrow. Well... technically I start college on Tuesday, but I move in tomorrow. Today will forever be termed "the day before my life changed for ever." Seriously. I'm going to call it that. Anyways. As of tomorrow where I eat, sleep, shower, socialize, learn, cry, laugh, trip, etc. will be different and, for the most part, new. Am I excited? Yes. Am I equal parts terrified? Yes. I am not a character who necessarily meshes well with change, so this whole idea scares the pants right off me, but I do love an adventure. And I gilmore girls taught me that eventually it is important to separate from your mother. haha. I have grown and gotten so much stronger throughout this process of applying, phone calling, emailing, scheduling, and finance organizing. It's really strange to think about where I was in my maturity this time last year, versus where I am right now, and where I will be 5 years from now. Granted. I still don't think I am mature enough for half of what I've needed to do for college so far... But it's in the principle I guess. So my next post will mos likely be made from the comfort of my top bunk. I never thought this day would come! haha. I always thought I would feel so grown up and ready! (which I don't fyi) But you know, as miley cyrus so famously sings, it's the climb! Sing it girl. haha :) I am so blessed by this whole experience. Now that all of the getting ready and organizing is over with, I can finally sit back and appreciate the process and how much it's meant to me. As stressful as some of it was. More than anything (I know I've said this before) growing up has taught me how to appreciate having fun. How to balance my priorities. & how growing up isn't all that bad, it's just different. I'm incredibly thankful for how much I've learned this year, this summer, and even this month. The Lord has been doing a number on my heart as I've been preparing for this new journey, and I can't wait to see what opportunites, lessons, and friendships I'm blessed with through out this year.

Tomorrow begins new experiences. New friends. New responsibilities. New battles. & New faith. I can't wait to write more about it :)
Yeah God!

Day Seven: Provide pictures of 5 celebrity crushes

Haha. So this one is funny to me/reveals a lot about my character. I've never really been much of a "celebrity crush" kind of girl. I've never really even been much of a "crush" kind of girl! haha. Meet Robert, Jack, Robert, & Zach. I know it says 5... but even 4 is a stretch for me. haha. This is 100% legit.

Day Six: Time to face morph: Pick one of the categories.

Oh my lanta. THAT is alarming. haha. I suppose instead of 30 day challenge this has become a "whenever I have time to do it" challenge. ahhhh well. can't win'em all. That's what I always say. Footloose is over now, & summer is drawing to a close. The ending of the show was so bittersweet. I can't believe that so many people are going to college and starting on new adventures, myself included. I don't know when I hit the point where friends of mine started dating for marraige and having children, but I did. I've certainly learned from it though. Number one lesson: Growing up means learning to enjoy life amidst responsibilities, not using stressing over them. God provides & works all things together for the good of those who love him, and that has yet to be proven to me more than it has been this year. I movie in at Judson by the grace of God in 10 short days and my time until then will be spent saying goodbye to those leaving and praying for the future of all of us. With some dorm shopping, job hunting, and text book ordering. College gives me sticker shock. Satan has really been attacking my heart lately while the Lord has been trying to change it. It's been exhausting to try and maintain my joy while being so down, but I have been trying! We are weak but he is strong. We talked yesterday at bible study (we were reading ephesians 5) about realtionships and activities that fill you up, and that is SO on my heart right now. Starting school I really need to surround myself with people who fill me up, and pay attention to those who don't. Just a thought!

Day Five: Share your favorite recipe.

I love to eat, and I actually think I'm getting to an age where I should start journaling my favorite recipes for when I move out/get married. So I'm going to do my 3 favorites :) Lasagne, Blueberry Cake, & Cheese sauce.

Let's start with the easiest!
My grandma's cheese sauce!(not to be confused with my grandpaws cheese sauce, that stuff is nasty.):
Ingredients:
Milk
Velveeta
Sharp cheddar cheese
Flour (to ratio of milk. approx 1/8 cup flour to 2 cups milk.)
Mustard powder

Combine milk in a saucepan with flour and just a pinch of mustard powder on high heat. Stir until the mixture starts to rise, turn off burner and let the mixture sit to thicken. Next add equal parts of the cheeses heat to mix and stir constantly so that it doesn't burn.
This sauce it good over chips, noodles, baked potatoes. anything really. Yummm. Thank you grandma!

Grandma's lasagne!:
3 1/2 c. canned tomatoes 8 oz pkg. mozzarella cheese
8 oz can tomato sauce 1 c. cream-style cottage cheese
1 envelope spaghetti sauce mix 1/2 c. greated parmesean cheese
2 cloves minced garlic
1 box lasagne noodles 1 can black olives, sliced
Cook noodles, strain, rinse w/ cold water, and set aside. Combine tomatoes, tomato sauce, spaghetti sauce mix, and garlic in a pan. Cover and let simmer 40 minutes, stirring occasionally. Salt to taste. place HALF (usually 4) of the noodles in a baking dish, cover with a third of the sauce, half the mozzarella, black olives, and half the cottage cheese. Repeat layers, ending with sauce. Top with parmesean cheese. Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes. Let stand 15 minutes.

Mrs. Schauer's Blueberry Cake:
Mix together 1 c. butter
3/4 c. sugar
2 eggs
pinch of salt
add 2 c. flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. lemon juice
little water
grease and flour baking pan. Top with 2-3 pts. blueberries & bake.



This made me ridiculously hungry. I'm going to do it more often :) I'm typing this all from my brand new laptop by the way. What a huge blessing!

Day Four: Smile! We want to see your teeth today. Post a self-portrait.

I stink at consistancy... I know. haha.



There are three huge things in my life right now that show me how real and present God is. Footloose is magically going really well, which may seem like a weird thing to see God present in, but I really didn't think it was going to be that great and it really IS. Atleast it seems like it! My financial aid came throug for Judson. Dave went to the dean and FOUGHT for me. & LRAP looks like a huge possibility also! I'm so excited and it is a huge blessing. Praise God for he is GOOD:) Third and most sad/exciting is the passing of Mr. Viegas this past weekend. I never met him, but he fought illness for so long before he finally went home, and he tried to take EVERYONE with him. How incredible is that? Just by itself. I don't understand how people can NOT try to bring others with us. I'm hypocritical in that area of life because I struggle with evangelism... But I believe people should also be able to see Jesus in our very essence. And THAT I'm working on :) haha. In Mr. Viegas' last few seconds his eyes just brightened and Mrs. Bienert asked him if he saw Jesus. He said YES! Then he reached out his hand and died. WHAT THE HECK. How cool is that? It's so incredible to me. And I love how reassuring it is. As if we needed reassurance of God's presence, but he just saw him! I can't even fathom how cool that is.
I'm in a really good place with friends right now. I don't want to jinx it by talking about it, I'm just really content with the friends in my life and what a HUGE blessing they are to me. Seriously. Life is good and blessed. I have no strength without Jesus, and I'm working to be rooted more in him :)

This was so choppy! But I just woke up so... haha. I just had a lot to say and thoughts that werent coherent enough to say them. Enjoy this beautiful remainder of summer!

Day Three: Share your favorite quote/song lyric.

I think this is definitely one of the hardest of the 30 days, mostly because I like so MANY quotes and song lyrics! So... I'm just going to post more than one!

"The only people for me are mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like a fabulous yellow roman candle exploding like spiders across the stars." -Jack Kerouac

"Choose being kind over being right and you'll be right every time." -Richard Carlson

“All humans realize they are loved when witnessing the dawn; early morning is the truimph of good over evil. Absolved by light we decide to go on.” -Rufus Wainwright

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others." -Romans 12:1-5

[edit 7/27/10]
"Each day, human beings breath & move, yet have the amazing ability to fail to remember that they are alive." -Edgar Allan Poe

I like this actually. I didn't even get IN to song lyrics. haha. There's just so many! But I think I'll add on to here as I think of and discover other quotes that I like! It might be nice to have one day :)

This week consists of: Bible study, rehearsals, seeing Rob Bell at Willow with small group, finding out about loans for school, constant college and job discussion, seeing Natalie, Seeing Erica, 18th BIRTHDAY!, birthday dinner, staying at Natalie's, SO much friend time, & growing closer with God :)
Thats the synopsis atleast <3
Enjoy this beautiful summer!

Day Two: Make a bulleted list of everything that happened in your day.

So... it is technically Wednesday. Not Tuesday. But I'm still awake! So I am going to count it.

I don't know how to mae bullet points though, so I'm going to do astericks :)

*Woke up
*Checked my texts and answered them :)
*Brushed my teeth/washed my face
*Made toast with peanut butter
*Checked facebook/email while eating
*Student loan research (pain in my booty!)
*Double checked research
*Talked with mom on the phone
*Shower
*Drove dad to the sport store
*Went over my lines with Bobby :) :)
*Dropped Bobby off at the skate park
*Got gas
*Got lectured on the state of my car and of my driving... haha.
*Watched True Beauty from last week & ate a quesadilla!
*Got ready for rehearsal
*Went tanning
*Rehearsal!
*Chilis!
*Red Robin with Jenn & Matt to pick up fries (1 1/2 pounds is a lot for fried btw)
*Back to Matt's to watch Will & Grace and True Beauty from yesterday!
*Talked with Jenn while matt fell asleep
*Drove home
RIGHT NOW. haha.
That was super detailed.
I'm proud for remembering to do it though!

Tomorrow will consist of: Laying out. Laundry. Cleaning. Showering. Small group @ willow with the girls! Starbucks. & hopefully nice fun times :)
Goodnight! Sleep tight! Don't let the bed bugs bite, because there are millions of them. And probably a monster in your closet. (DESPICABLE MEEEEE)

Day One: Current photo of yourself & 15 facts

1. My fingers are double jointed.
2. I've been vegetarian since I was three.
3. I love to be in water.
4. I have the same diet as the average 6 year old. I would eat pizza for every meal if I was allowed to.
5. I love will & grace, jack black, jim dale, and childrens movies.
6. I think languages are beautiful.
7. I really like to travel. Pretty much anywhere.
8. I don't drink any sort of coke, but I love juice.
9. Honesty and grace are, in my opinion, the most admirable qualities.
10. I road tripped to New York City last week, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
11. I'm so afraid of madam mim from sword in the stone.
12. When I was little I would lay in my bed and think about what I would grab if one of my dad's enemies set our house on fire. I also had a plan incase a murderer, vampire, or kidnapper came.
13. I don't like to open presents infront of people. It just makes me uncomfortable.
14. I think water tastes awful unless it has ice in it. So usually I just drink unsweet iced tea.
15. I touch almost everthing.

30 day challenge!

So. I've decided that since I haven't written in a month, I will do a 30 day challenge. That hopefully means I will write every day. It's usually done on tumblr, but I would rather do it here :) haha. Here's how it will go:

Day One: Current photo of yourself & 15 facts
Day Two: Make a bulleted list of everything that happened in your day.
Day Three: Share your favorite quote/song lyric.
Day Four: Smile! We want to see your teeth today. Post a self-portrait.
Day Five: Share your favorite recipe.
Day Six: Time to face morph: Pick one of the categories.
Day Seven: Provide pictures of 5 celebrity crushes.
Day Eight: Create a bucket list, whether or not your aspirations or rational.
Day Nine: Describe your food consumption today.
Day Ten: Share one of your current favorite tunes.
Day Eleven: A picture of you and your friends
Day Twelve: Set a goal.
Day Thirteen: A habit that you wish you didn’t have.
Day Fourteen: Post a Youtube video that makes you laugh/inspires you.
Day Fifteen: A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day Sixteen: A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.
Day Seventeen: Something you’re proud of in the past few days.
Day Eighteen: Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play.
Day Nineteen: Plans/dreams/goals you have.
Day twenty: Nicknames you have; why do you have them.
Day twentyone: A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day Twentytwo: Something you crave for a lot.
Day Twentythree: A letter to your parents.
Day Twentyfour: What's in your bag?
Day Twentyfive: A picture of you last year, how have you changed since then?
Day Twentysix: Best concert you've been to.
Day Twentyseven: An important lesson you've learned this year.
Day Twentyeight: A picture of somewhere you'd love to go.
Day Twentynine: Short term goals for this month and why.
Day Thirty: In this past month, what have you learned?


I'm looking forward to this!

Sara

Sara Bareilles is my musical Hero. I love everything that she does. I love the way her music makes me feel. The way it's arranged. Her voice. Her emotion. The fact that she sounds even better live. I just LOVE listening to it. She also looks kind of like Bobby's girlfriend. Which is kind of weird.
I just felt like writing again today.

Kittens.

I wrote in my last post, a full month ago, that I was itching for summer. Now I reeeeeally am! In a very literal way. haha. I am covered in mosquito bites! & they are REALLY itching. I guess that and the slight sunburn that is covering my skin truly signifies the beginning of summer though! I could not be more happy that it's finally here! I dare say that it may have been worth all this waiting... Lets see. I graduated May 15th! I actually feel older. Les Mis is all over, such a worthwhile experience. I grew so much during and because of it. Very cool. Footloose is started! So that's nice! I'm house/dog sitting for the Boucek's while they're in Hawaii... and I love it. Love. I was not built to live with my family. But this has made me decide that at least for this year, Judson is where I need to be. I'm ready to be on my own, but not all the way. So I can transfer as a sophmore. At least that's MY plan. We'll see how that changes for me according to whatever God has planned. I'd say I'm pretty open. Which means I'm probably more closed off than I know. I'm currently choosing plans for a particular week of my summer: New York City road trip or Project Dance camp. Trust me. This is not an easy of a decision as it seems like it would be.
Life has been easier than the past couple weeks, it has actually been quite a struggle, but it has really made me thankful for my friends. It's been so nice to grow closer with some, and not so nice to see myself growing away from others. I'm just so grateful to be blessed with the friends that I have. ESPECIALLY my mom. Is that silly? I don't really mind if it is. I love my mom. I adore her. And I love that she always has time for me. And will drive to bring me gatorade at 4 am when I'm hurling and alone at the Boucek's. And will stay home and have a movie night with me. And will make me home made pizza because she knows I'm upset. I'm just really lucky to have her. Anyways. I've learned so much through everything that's been happening. Like how important honesty is in life. I don't know if there is another person alive who values honesty as highly as I do. In any relationship honesty is so key. I just don't know how to stress that highly enough. I've also learned a lot about trust. Trusting others AND trusting yourself. I don't feel much of a need to elaborate on that one. It's more of a personal growth thing than a public wisdom thing. But trusting yourself and your instinct, not doubting them, will almost always keep you in a good place. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Go with that. I most recently learned that a relationship with God takes a lot of work. haha. I may be laughing, but it's just because it's a silly thing to say, not because it's not true. I've learned that I can't expect to gain a strong relationship with God and just expect it to stay like that forever without putting time and effort into it! It's like a muscle. You can build it up and build it up until you're happy with it, but if you don't make an effort to maintain it, you can't just expect it to stay strong because you don't have time to work out. Next thing you know, you want to use it or need it and it's diminished.
It takes a continued effort. But it's so worth it. Like looking good for swimsuit season after a year of working out. haha.
Anyways. I am currently trying to spiritually work out a lot more often. I'm not perfect. But I can certainly do better than I have been :)
CYT@School finally ends tomorrow! YEAH! I am so excited! This semester has certainly put a strain on my patience. haha. And Natalie graduates on Thursday! All of my friends are growing up... I can't wait to see what's next for all of us!
Well. I will try not to wait another month to do this again!

Off to beddy!

I am not my own.

I just found this nice little band called Dinner and a Suit (myspace.com/dinnerandasuit)courtesy of Alixx's twitter. haha. Really swell covers and such though!
I am knee deep in Les Mis right now, totally lovin it. I have ONE thursday of Grace left! Graduation is in less than 3 weeks. And then the sweet and frightening taste of freedom will be in my mouth at last! As of today... Everything after graduation is pretty much up in the air. I'm not sure where I'll be at school next year. I'm not sure what show/if I'm doing a show this summer. Where I'll be working. PD camp? Who I'll be seeing. When I'll be traveling. If I'll ever get to go camping... haha. So much unknown. Here's the thing about the unknown though, as long as you don't know, you never have to commit. So indecisiveness is a strong suit of mine.
My lanta but I have been a busy bee. Hopping around finishing everything up before summer. I successfully have one night free each week, if that. Between dance, work, voice, and cyt I'm swamped. It smells like summer outside though. I am ITCHING for it. Our neighboors have a fire pit. Yum. That is one nice smell. Between the smokey smell, the beautiful weather, and this neighboorhood we live in (if the sun is out, people are on bikes/rollerblades/skateboards/walks) it's like summer arrived prematurely and just forgot to tell the school system.
I guess so far this has been more of an update on my life then anything insightful. But someday maybe I'll want to know what I was up to as a 17 year old. My memory is already bad. Precautions.
We're doing this cool free writing assignment in Lit. right now. Mrs. B basically just gave us journals and told us our only perimiters are that we have to write in them once a day. We can write anything we want. SO I've mostly been writing in that instead of on here. haha. It's much more handy. Sometimes soon I'll post some of what I've been writing. It's been really nice and helpful.
I went to a show at the clearwater with Jam & Matt last friday. It's been TOO long since I've been to one. I think my last was RK when it was still freezing. I don't remember exactly when... January? Anyways. It was This Providence, Anarbor, The Audition, & The Bigger Lights. I'm not nuts about any of them, but it was prety cheap and totally worth it. It was a fun night! Sometimes when I'm at that sort of show though... I get kind of sad. I look around and see all of the sceney girls with their bows and vans and flourescent eyeshadow. A thousand brightly colored bracelets, overly dyed and styled hair. Clothes too small. And I just get upset. I used to be just like those girls. Searching for validation by "standing out" in the same way as everyone else. I see them and remember how I felt when I listened to the music, hung out at taco bell, and layed in the grass behind the movie theater. I was such a lost person then. So sometimes. It's like being in a dream being at the shows and standing next to the girls, but knowing that now I'm a cpmpletely different, and fulfilled person. So bizarre. I have certainly gone through my share of life seasons. haha.

Lataaaaaa.

Bullfrogs eat birds

After a week of fighting it I finally let my belly button piercing go. I fully intend to get it repierced after it heals... but that was a battle I wasn't going to win. I know that it's... weird that I liked it so much. I just like that it was so for me. It had nothing to do with future plans or anything like that, I just had it because I liked it. I like the way it looked. Besides, if I can't take care of one of my body parts, how will I take care of my life? Sometimes my body has it's own ideas I guess. haha.
I've been doing alot of worship in my car lately. I know that alot of people talk about how much music affects them, but I just can't imagine other people feeling the way I do when I listen to music. It's like I'm on a whole other level of life. And when I'm in the solitude of my car I can sing so freely. I love that. People who pass me probably think I'm nuts, and I am a total driving hazard, I just get so into it. Sometimes I get to my destination and realize I don't remember half of my journey. I just get that wrapped up in the songs.
I think that's how alot of people go through life. They start off with great intentions, figuring out the best route to avoid traffic and save gas. We start off on our journeys but when distractions come like materialism, influence, media, tragedy, etc. we kind of lose track of what we're doing. Then once we finally reach our destination we find that we've missed out on half our journey. You know? Kind of wanting to go back and do it again so that we can remember it. Or we worry that we may have run a red light and not noticed. Not to mention the numerous accidents that we almost caused because we weren't paying attention to other cars. What a huge metaphor!

Speechless

Oh my lanta. Well I'm pretty sure it has been over a month now since I've posted... Not because nothing interesting has been happening, but because so much has been happening that I've been short on time. + the laptop's internet is being weird and not working... So I've been avoiding blogging so that I don't have to do it in the kitchen with everyone around. Easter was yesterday, and we celebrated in true Taylor family fashion with a favorites day. Good food, infront of the tv, watching movies all day long. It was really nice. We watched New Moon (which my dad LOVED?), The Princess & the Frog (So cute, and kind of old school disney.), The Informant (Ridiculous/awesome.), & Precious(which I watched by myself. It was disturbing. I couldn't even cry. I just sat there.) It was a good day! I've been on spring break for over a week now, with a few more days to go. It's been such a great and needed relief! I've been able to spend time with friends who I love and miss, some rare time with my mom, and some time to just sit and think. All of the above highly valued by me. The weather has been so lovely! It got up past 70 degrees last week. Sunshine and open windows lifts my spirits so so much.
I graduate highschool in 39 DAYS! I can't believe how quickly it snuck up on me! At the beginning of this year I was pretty scared to leave, because I still don't know for sure where I'll be or what I'll be doing next year... But now I'm actually really excited for what ever comes next for me. Everything that I've been going through with my college applications lately has just really taught me to let go and go get at the same time. God has a future and a plan for me, and stressing out about what He wants me to do or where He wants me to go isn't going to help me get there any faster, you know? I need to trust myself and God enough to accept that I can go after what I want and get it. If what I want isn't God's will for me, then that's one thing, but sitting back and waiting for my path in life to magically appear isn't going to do much good. I have so much faith that God will reveal His plan for me as I need to see it, that I'm not terribly worried about what I can't see right now. Each day is a gift, and time is so precious that waiting timidly for my way to be revealed is not living as God intended it to be.
I've been learning So much about the character of God in the past two months. I guess I never really thought about God as having much of a character or personality... but He has a huge one. God is funny, and smart, and witty, and silly, and gracious, and forgiving, and everything that we are attracted to in others. God doesn't just sit in a chair and rule over his people, merciful, but disinterested. My God is hands on. He wants to hear about my day, my heart, and my dreams. That's SO cool. I've been making the mistake my entire life of feeling lonely when I'm upset. From person to person, no one has been through all of the same struggles, so being only human sometimes we can't realate to each other when we're hurting. No matter how much we want to. But God has felt everything we're feeling as humans, and is around whenever we need him with grace, and advice, and His perfect love. What more could we ask for? I think sometimes we forget about God, trying to fill our pain with the advice or comfort of worldly beings or things... Not necessary.
I switched my closet out the other day for summer! And I'll be switching out my music soon also! Summer is on it's way, bringing with it countless changes and new friends and experiences. I"m really looking forward to that.
I'm taking a break from facebook, and I'm not getting texts from twitter for a little bit. I think I just need some time free from technology.
I was reading some of my oldest posts the other day! I knew what was up in 2008, man. I'm telling you. I'm going to start doing posts like that again. haha.
Until next time, which will hopefully be soon! haha.

Catharsis.

My life in music:
I listen to rap music when I'm frustrated or angry.
I listen to love songs when I'm upset.
I listen to worship music when I need connection or enlightenment.
James Taylor and Steely Dan remind me of my dad.
Heart, Mac Davis, and Paolo Nutini remind me of my mom.
Fred Penner and Shania Twain make me think of my childhood.
In my heart I will always love 60's music.
In my soul I will always sing the blues.
I could not survive only listening to musicals.
I have strange a strange connection with the following songs:
-Sugar we're going down
-Obsession
-Dirty Work
-Love Grows (where my rosemary goes)
-Cherokee People
-Face Down
-Something In The Way She Moves
-Candy Shop
-These Eyes
-Talkin' 'bout a Revolution
-Hey Mama
-Sugar Rush
-Long Time Coming
-Definitely Maybe
-Ramblin' Man
-Hero
-Killing Me Softly
-Man I Feel Like a Woman
-Take Me
-I'd Lie
-Let Me Love You
Music has the power to calm me.
I think in lyrics.
I sing the entire time I'm in the car.
I respect my dad's musical taste.
I listen smooth jazz.
I don't enjoy listening to most The Beatles or Rocket Summer songs
In my whole life, I have only met 1 person with the same taste in music as me.
My dad makes up his own joke songs. So do I.
I don't listen to things because other people like them.
I've never met anyone with as broad of tastes as me.
I will always have a soft spot for country music.

Just... In general. I:
like cats.
enjoy being in memphis more than any other city.
have my bellybutton pierced. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made.
love thefreedictionary.com.
don't eat meat, want to eat meat, or like the idea of eating meat.
like patterns, I look for them everywhere.
believe Deja Vu is the result of prophetic dreams. I decided that when I was 10, but I have no idea if it's ever been proven.
actually enjoy doing and reading research papers.
wish I could play an instrument.
don't like white walls.
think I'm a little to attached to technology.
love to take showers.
order french fries almost every time I go out to eat.
only like Italian and Spanish dressing on my salad.
think that Mater from cars is one of the most adorable characters ever.
am a picky eater.
love to be tan, but am not patient enough to lay out.
am not that confident.
love 6 & 7 year olds.
overthink things.
have a "power color".
really enjoy driving.
love, no really, LOVE wind.
think alot about the future.
love to be barefoot.
think owls are fascinating.
prefer popsicles to every dessert except icecream cake.
am excited to be in love.
don't really like classic literature like Jane Austin... I like gritty rawness.
love when people pay attention to what I say.
have a heart for the broken.
eat alot of Doritos and Cheddar Sour Cream chips. They're my favorite kind.
get really bad migraines.
am really attracted to older men. Like Robert Redford.
don't enjoy pilates.
am most afraid of madam mim, courage the cowardly dog, and dying young.
don't like playing board games. My only exceptions are Clue, Scattergories, and Catch Phrase.
am obsessed with soft skin.
love the names Lucy, Holly, Ella, Finn, and James.
FREAKING LOVE TO CAMP.


Favorite things to do:
Concerts.
Long car trips with people I'm comfortable with.
Talk about politics with people who can debate.
Play cards.
Worship.
Hug.
Talk to adults.
Make things.
Drive. During the summer. At night.
Snuggle.
Camp... obviously.
Sing.
Hold hands with my friends.
Laugh.


Well this was nice actually... I'm glad I did it.

Lotion & Marriage

I've done something to myself that is limiting my mobility... I never knew that simply sleeping/stretching/sitting on the couch could do so much damage. I am in pain. On the brighter side of the cloud... I got my hair cut today! There are few things that I like better than having clean, split end free, shiny hair. My legs are also incredibly soft, one of the aformentioned few things enjoyed more than a hair cut. I don't know what it is about soft skin that I just adore, but there is something about it that just makes me smile. I feel better when my skin is soft. Is that strange? I don't really care if it is. After many affairs with other lotions, I've returned to my true love. Jergens Natural Glow. I discovered it back in aladdin, when I needed to be tan in February, and I have never since found a lotion that makes my skin prettier or softer. And believe me, I have looked. If you haven't used it, go buy it. It's worth it.

I've been thinking alot in the past 2 months about marriage. Not one specific topic realating to it... Everything. Marriages around me, what I want in a husband, when I want to get married, my fears about marriage, the kind of wife I want to be. Alot of things... points... lists in my head... You know, normal Mary thoughts. haha. I want to share it all, because I feel like someday I might need it. So... Sorry in advance about the length. haha. Maybe I'll split it up.
My parents do not have the ideal marriage. I wish with everything in me that they did, for their sake as much as mine, but they don't. My mom married my dad thinking he would change, and he never did. I could go into details about our family problems, but that isn't the point of this, so just know... it isn't a fairytale. When I was younger my dad wasn't around much because of work. My mom cooked dinner every night, and when he called to say that he would be late, she saved him a plate in the fridge. She was unhappy. When my dad lost his job and his license, she went back to work full time. He was unhappy. The older I get, the more unhappy they get. It's really the only thing they have in common. I always thought that this was just how marriage was. A tax deduction, a room mate, love when it was convenient, don't expect anything and you won't be dissapointed. Fairytales were called that for a reason. They didn't REALLY happen. Maybe that sounds cynical, but that's what I thought. I never said it outloud, but it's so true. Children of an unhapppy marriage are just as damaged as children from divorce. It's only been in the past couple months as I've witnessed God's love that I've understood what marriage can be. Marriage isn't supposed to be fickle or convenient. Marriage is a support system. A give and take. Unconditional love. Joy when you're 87 and tired. I have alot of friends whose parents have marital problems and alot of friends whose parents have faced divorce, but I also have some friends whose parents are beautiful examples of marriage as I believe God inteded it to be. Now this is all a very new concept to me... But I'm excited for it. Like REALLY REALLY excited. I'm sad for the unhappiness of my parents, but I'm glad to have learned first hand from them not to settle. To always challenge myself. And especially to communicate.
As far back as I can remember I wanted to wait to get married. My mom waited until she was 30 to get married and counts it as one of her best decisions. I want to travel, learn about myself, work, learn about God. I want to do it ALL. I have so many passions I can barely tie my shoes. So I've always thought it would be a better idea for me to wait to get married like my mom did... Way to put a limit on God Mary! haha. For somebody who prided herself on keeping her options open, I sure did box myself in on that one. With the same conviction I had for waiting to get married I always thought I would marry my best friend. Not saying I thought that I would marry every best guy friend I've ever had... but it was just a feeling. Someday. Because I believe a husband or wife should be your best friend. Anyways. I'm keeping my options open on when I want to get married. As for having kids, that I'm prepared to wait on. But marriage... I feel that tug. So I'm keeping my heart open. As painful as that is sometimes, when ever God's ready, I think that I'm ready.
As excited as I am to get married, I'm also terrified. What if I make the wrong decision? Pick the wrong guy? I'm sure that most divorcees thought that they were doing the right thing when they got married... same with most unhappy couples. When I get married I want it to be forEVER. I'm afraid of growing apart. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid that my husband will be like my dad. I'm afraid that I won't be vulnerable enough. I am AFRAID IN GENERAL. I've never been one for commitment, and marriage is a huge one. I'm hoping for my fear to be what drives me though. Does that make sense? I want my fear to be a healthy one. I want my fear of growing apart to keep me close to my husband. I want my fear of marrying someone like my dad to make me not settle for anything less than what I want. I hope to use my fear as fire in my life, instead of letting it eat me. I want to be a good wife. I KNOW that I have it in me. So long as I can open my heart, I will be just fine. I've decided that.

I'm going to write another post of what I've found that I want in a husband. I feel like it needs a whole post by itself because of how important it is to me. So... Another time. Maybe tonight. Maybe not. haha. Leaving you guessing I guess!

Do you hear the little mermaid sing?

Little Mermaid is OVER. I'm pretty fine with the show itself ending... But it was difficult to know that it was my last show in Kane, even though I still will have Les Mis this spring before I'm all the way done. So there was still tears on Sunday! I am actually REALLY excited to do Les Mis. As of today. haha. I just have a good feeling about it... So I'm hoping that good feeling pays off for me :) I really want to have a great graduating show.
My room is clean! For the first time in weeks there is no clothes on the floor, cd free surfaces, a relatively made bed, and no sheet music laying around! I'm so proud. It feels nice to have a clean space to sleep and think. & I don't have to worry about waking up with a clicker imprint on my face.
My mom bought me this huge helium disney princess balloon for opening night and it is STILL floating around my ceiling. Let me tell you, I am not at all opposed to waking up to Jasmine, Ariel, Belle, Cinderella, and Aurora's smiling faces staring down at me. Its fun AND funny.
I cannot believe it's only/is already March. Time has somehow been going fast and slow at the same time, but I am so so ready for it to get warm already! Snow is great until you don't have a garage. I'm really looking forward to the summer this year. Not wearing shoes, walking to the beach, day camps, concerts, shorts, one layer of clothing instead of three, being tan, popsicles, no homework. Even if I do nothing there's still sunshine!

Bobby

I love my brother.
I've always been very protective over him. When we were little I would "beat up" on him all the time... but the second someone else said something bad about him or tried to push him, they had ME to answer to.
We have a strange relationship now... We're only 2 years apart. But we're treated so differently that it always seems like more. I feel like I'm a second mom to him, which I think sometimes puts a barrier in our relationship... But it's only because I feel responsible for him. I never want him to hurt, or have to go through bad situations.
Bobby may come off as a rough and tumble kid, but he is one of the funniest, most caring, compassionate, and sensitive people I've ever met. He has such a huge heart for people and animals, and his talent for music and art never ceases to amaze me.
Bobby always brought home creatures when we were younger. It was so strange. He never brought home gross things... Just animals. If it was hurt, lost, small, or alone, he wanted it. We constantly had pet caterpillars and lady bugs, and once when it rained he went around collecting all of the worms that had come out in a bucket. That was an interesting smell later on. haha.
I knew even then that if he could keep his soul and heart that gentle and compassionate that he would grow into a great man.
I have faith that my baby brother will be a great husband someday. If he treats his wife anywhere close to how well he treats our mom and I then she will be one lucky lady. He isn't perfect. He's stubborn, sometimes lazy, and he gets angry a little too easy. He can only learn by making his own mistakes. But he's such a passionate and strong guy. I'm confident that once he grows up, gets married, and has kids, that he won't make the mistakes that our dad has made. He will be a great father :) Sometimes I worry about him. He's such an impressionable person and he often makes decisions without thinking about the consequences... But with the right mentors and guidance I really think he will make such a difference.
No one can make me laugh like he can. He cares when I'm hurting. He comes to my shows, even though he doesn't care about theater at all. He will always tell me if an outfit looks bad. He's the only person in my family that I'm comfortable singing in front of. I love to watch TV with him. I love that he will get me something to drink if I ask him. He listens to my stories. He will always come rid my room of spiders, even if it's 3 am and he's sleeping. He re organizes his room when he's bored. He loves our cat, even though it is a super mean cat. He thinks babies are cute. He tells our mom he loves her. He works out too much. He sings when he thinks we can't hear him. He eats more cereal then anyone should.
Sometimes I am not the best sister to him that I could be. I say no when he wants to show me a new song and I'm busy, and I don't drive him places sometimes, but I can't bear the thought of a life without him. He is my rock. My main guy. We fight daily, but I hug him even though he doesn't want to be hugged. I trust him with my life and with my secrets.

I will always love him, no matter what choices he makes, because I know his heart.
I want only the best for him.

Do as God says, not as I did.

You know, I was really struggling during this show as far as reaching out to the younger kids and the girls that I don't really know. Mind you, I didn't really realize that it was a problem for me... But I did realize that that connection was missing. I wouldn't say I've ever been super popular in any of the shows that I've been apart of or anything, but I've always atleast tried to get to know more than just my circle of friends. Not in this show though... I didn't really feel that pull, and I guess I just sort of let it slide. Bad Mary! Bad! Bad! hahaha... Anyways, that really chaged this week for me. I just feel like God opened all of those doors for me all at once. I don't know if everyone in CYT shares my feelings on this, but I truly love the privilege of getting to know my cast. ESPECIALLY the younger girls. I desire in life to be able to be a strong role model for girls, and CYT really allows me to explore that. So cool. Anyways, I just really feel like those doors have been opening. I love some of the bonding that I've been able to do with people who I really didn't have much of a chance (or desire) to talk to at rehersal. Each one of the kids in the cast brings such a unique beauty to the show, I'm really enjoying the opportunity to show them that.
I think it's important to remember that as much as I want to be a positive influence to others, it's really important that I still surround myself with friends who can positively influence me. Iron sharpening iron and so forth. I struggle with that sometimes, and that's when I start to feel like I'm drowning.


Now getting on to the good stuff.

I had a sort of A-ha! moment during worship today at church. There is some backstory to my A-ha! moment that I feel like is really important, so just bear with me! Most people know that just in the last year or so have I really REALLY started paying attention to and growing in my faith. It's been quite the experience! I'm steered right now farther from Christian and more towards Christ follower, and I really could not be more thrilled about it :)
Anywhen. Over last fall I was really struggling with feeling that I was hypocritical. Do as God says, not as I did sounds pretty hypocritical when you're trying to help someone towards the right path... Now details of my poor decisions aren't necessarily well known for the selfish fear of peer judgement and such... But poor decisions have been CERTAINLY been made, worse ones than I would rather, and I do not pretend otherwise. I carried my burden of "hypocracy" with me so heavily last fall. It was a big barrier between me and God, but I was really really struggling to overcome it. It spread to affect my relationships with friends, with my family, and totally with myself and my heart as well.
I was just hanging out with myself recently. Thinking. Pondering. Puzzling out life. Whatever you call it. And something just popped right into my head. God FORGAVE my sins. Jesus DIED for them. And I was DWELLING on them. One of these things is not like the other! What good does it do for my faith to be forgiven if I'm just going to carry my sins around in my back pocket? If God can get past them, why can I not? I will tell you why. Doubt of God's power to forgive.
"Really? Totally forgiven? As in, You won't bring this up when I mess up again God? That's crazy. That doesn't happen." Yes it does. That's what's up, man! God, my Lord and Savior, forgave my past transgressions when I gave my life to him. It was my own fear that I wasn't really forgiven that led me to think that they still would be held against me and were something to be ashamed of. I think I relyed on my doubt as a safety net alot also, because until I could admit that I was forgiven I couldn't really give myself entirely to God. You know what I'm saying? I think that learning from your sins is really important, but there is a big difference between learning from and dwelling on.
All of this build up brings me to my actual point: although God obviously didn't choose for me to sin, He can choose to use it as a tool for Him. He's powerful like that. Learning from, but not dwelling on my past, current, and future sins allows me to be used as a tool within the Body of Christ. I've been there, I've done that, and I was able to come out alive on the otherside with a unique story of salvation. Not saying that I am glad for my sins, but I AM glad that my life before I really felt God can be useful for something. I would hate to feel like I had wasted 17 years. I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to bless others with what I've already learned.
I was talking to Randy Peterkort after church last Sunday, and alot of stuff just started clicking for me as I was talking out some of my spiritual growth with him. He's a cool guy, he became a true Christ follower towards the end of his teenage years, similar to myself.
I have lately been feeling that it's a turned into a blessing that I wasn't raised in a "traditional" Christian home. My mom is a Christian, Bobby goes to church because he has to, and my dad makes fun of religion and mocks Christian anything. I got a neopolitan family I guess! I was blessed growing up to be raised AROUND alot of strong Christian families though, which I feel was of huge benefit to me. Since we don't really talk about faith in our house, I have really had to figure things out for myself. Having strong Christian parents around me, but not raising me, has really allowed me to be free to come to Jesus by choice and not by force. I've seen the way the the world does it, and I've seen the way that Christ followers do it. It wasn't that hard of a choice once I was courageous enough to make it. My faith is my own. And I am here because I want to be, not because it is required of me. Are you following? Sure, it would be easier if I could talk things out with my parents and go to them for advice... But you know what? My mom gives me better advice than anyone I know. And I may not be able to talk with my dad, but I CAN talk with my Father. Lucky me :)

That's what I have for now!
I need to go finally wash off my stage makeup and brush out my crazy hair :) haha.

Yeah, I'd rather be with you

So wow. This has been quite a doozey of a week, that is for sure! I have so much to say and report about it that I'm going to have to split this up. This post is probably going to be mostly update, and my next one will not! haha. I've been in tech and performance for Little Mermaid all week long, so my schedule has been pretty off... All CYT ALL THE TIME! haha. It's been quite the rollercoaster week.

Thursday was really hard for me. Our first shows went well, but after they were finished I felt myself just really start to crumble. I felt emotionally drained and overloaded at the same time, and I just didn't know how to handle it. My heart was in so much pain. It was probably a combination of little sleep and alot of change, but I was so miserable. I was talking with Jamie and I told him that I really just needed time with my music, God, and some positive friend influence. God provided for me in spades! After some time to recharge on my own on friday morning and afternoon, I headed to opening night. It went very well for only being our third show, and I was OVER THE MOON to see my friend Sam (...cheeseburger...) in the front row. Cast party set the tone for my weekend with free icecream and time with Jamie, my Cheeseyburger, & Alex Hallberg (who was very friendly? What? I know.) after the cast party. On Saturday I woke up with a huuuuuuge smile on my face knowing that I would get to see so many friends that I love/miss/value/allthree! In addition to time with my Hersheys and the cast, Sarah Portz, the Payauys', and Rachael came to our 2 o'clock show, and then I got to drive (and finally catch up!) with Rachel Whiteside to see McHenry's show. At Cinderella I got to see Matt, KAT (I may have cried..), KP, Janey, Tina, some of my favorite parents around, Brinnay, Alixx, Cliff, Nicole, Andrew, Alli, Mark, Kai, and NATALIE! All of those people! I love them all so dearly, and see most of them so rarely. It was so perfect. Not to mention Nat, Jamie, and I finally got our 3 Muskamigos time! I was so joyful when I got home, knowing that Sunday would only bring more friends and lovin'. This brings us to today. :) Worship at Christian Fellowship was so good today. And so needed for me. I love worship, because I feel like sometimes the songs bring forth prayer that I wouldn't have thought of otherwise. It opens the lines of my communication if you will. When I got to Huntley today for call, I could not wipe the smile off my face. I just couldn't. I loved my time with Natalie, Rachel, Shelby, Courtney, Jamie, Dustin, Andrew, Kai, Mark, and Megan after the show, and we even got our 3 Muskamigos REUNION! Twice in one weekend! haha. I feel so recharged. I am so blessed in friendship, even if my times seeing my Gems is rare, it's always worth the wait.

Because everybody's changing... Oh wait. I am too.

This time next year:
I will be a CYT graduate.
I will be a HIGHSCHOOL graduate.
I will be in college, whether at MCC (please no...), or out of state in school in CA or TX.
I will have a job.
Erica will finally be back in America somewhere!
The internet will finally be updated on my macbook. (I should HOPE)
I will have another married cousin!
We will have celebrated one year in this house.
I will have conquerd another summer of growth.
I will officially be an adult.

This time next year, everything will be different. Whether I want it to be so or not... Turning 18 and graduating everything is an automatic life changer. So much has happened just in this past year that I can not even imagine more changes than have already come... And to think. After this year, there will be another year, and another, and another, and 20 more if I'm lucky.
I can not even imagine all of the life that I have left to experience. It's exhausting, really! I feel like I've learned so much that I barely even have room left in my body for more knowledge and wisdom. Anything past the end of this summer is just to far to plan... So much can happen before then I almost am afraid to plan! When I was young I was in such a hurry to grow up and experience everything, wear make up, watch PG13 movies, not have a bed time, drive. I wanted to do it all SO bad. Now... I can wait. I'm happy to take things day by day as they come to me, because at this point in my life... there's really no better way to live in the moment then to actually live in the moment. Sure I have to make some plans for the future... But I'm trying to leave most of it up to God's leading. There's no better way to lose sight of God's plan than to box yourself into a set life when you're 17. I know that there is endless possibilities for me, I just hope I get the privilege of living to experience all of them :)

I went to this youth night with Natalie, Shelby, and Cassidy this past Saturday. Totally life changing. The Barlow's family friend Schlyce was in town with her assistant Jason (Can you say Crush from FN? haha..), her two kids, and her nanny Cassidy(So nice!), and they had set up a youth night for her to speak to some teens. Which is what I went to! haha. It was all about living a supernatural faith and the power that we as our generation have to change the world and the Christian stereotype. It gave me so much to think about... and it showed me how much I've been missing out on by living the typical Christian life style. There is SO much more that I didn't pay attention to... I pray, read bible verses, and love to worship. But did I ever pay attention to miracles? praying in tounges? A relationship with Christ can be anything BUT ordinary. When I had the opportunity to become filled with the Holy Spitit and recieve the gift of tounges... to be honest. I was a little hesitant. I was afraid, I'm not going to lie. Once I was filled with the Holy Spirit I knew.... there would really be no turning back. And I've never really been so gung-ho on the commitment front. But I did it anyways. And I have never been so glad to do anything in my life. I was able to become filled with the Holy Spirit WITH Shelby and with the help of Natalie. It was so cool.
I honestly didn't understand the concept of a full life with God before I did it. It wasn't like it hadn't been explained to me, I just didn't know what I was missing out on until I got it. I have never felt so much joy, or such fullness inside my heart. It really made me think about how much exploration and growth I have yet to accomplish in my faith. I thought that eventually I would just hit a spiritual high ground and be there forever... I thought that I had hit that high ground... Boy oh boy was I ever wrong. I don't have enough body for all of the love God has to fill it. It only took me laughing until I had tears streaming down my face, because of GOD, to realize it.
Proudly drunk on the Holy Spirit! Smokin the Jehovajuana! Never to be the same :)

This is for you Josh Schweber!

something that I have recently realized about myself(as in I realized this driving home tonight): I have always only wanted what I couldn't have. Always. As long as I have been alive on this beautiful planet.

If I am ever told not to do something or that I can't have something, whatever it is automatically becomes 10x more appealing to me. Example: every boy in my entire life that I have ever "liked". Unnatainable on some level. Beginning with Chris Truesdale from Dreamstreet and my cousin. haha... those were the days. I don't know why this is true, but it's always just been part of me to like what or who I couldn't have. Maybe I do it so that I wouldn't get hurt and don't have to be vulnerable. Or maybe it's some psychological scar that runs deeper. But the second (almost literally?) that one of those boys asked me out or I got one of those unattainable objects I would do one of two things. I would either lose all interest, or I would flip out. Or both, one after the other. I know that that is immature. But it's true. And incase you are wondering, if I do this to keep myself from getting hurt, it doesn't work. Don't try it. It's painful to want something or someone who you can't have. Saying this specifically regarding men, I think the man I marry will be a man that I can have and still want any ways. That will stand as my test. If you ask me out, we date for a month, and I still want to talk to you and be around you. You're golden!
That sounds so lame. But it's true.
Good luck hooking me Mr. Right!

Blessing of the week!

So I've been talking/thinking/writing/ alot about faith lately and the way the God has been working in my life. I've learned so much just over the past two months about worship and living out my faith as a teenager. It's been an incredible journey, and I really honestly feel like I've grown so much recently. I've been relying on God and praying so much in the past two weeks. Praying about everything. This is my biggest blessing of the week so far:
So. We all know that I'm poor. And my family is not wealthy. And we struggle alot. I was praying this past Sunday about money; I had realized earlier that day that with the small amount of money that I had, there was no way that I could make it through the week gas wise... I couldn't even make it home from classes the next day. Let alone Bartlett, Carpentersville, Libertyville, and Elgin and back two more times before Sunday. I was praying hard for provision, and no surprise but to my amazement, God provided! Monday at classes a friend who I occassionally drive back and forth came to me and gave me $20 of gas money that I hadn't planned on getting! It was a huge groing point for me to realize that I really could trust and rely on God for even the smallest of things. If I need it. He will provide!

Please hold while I grab my violin.

Friendship inconsistancy is hurting me today. Alot.
It's stressful to never know how you'll be treated, if you're wanted, or if it's genuine. I know that... long term... Not important. But short term exists. And in the short term this is not one ounce of fun.
I'm a shy little nut. So it's hard for me to be open or myself in general. It's not on purpose it just takes a really long time for me to make myself vulnerable.
frustrations.
Not trying to whine or anything, but what else is the purpose of this if I can't be honest?
Friendship is hard. Building it, maintaining it, ending it. It's all difficult. I don't think that's acknowledged honestly enough often.
Friends have the beautiful power to build you up, but they can break you down even easier. Sometimes it's not even on purpose.

That's what I am struggling with today.

Discipline & Provision? I must be growing up.

I got a Formspring! Hopefully this won't turn out like Twitter... I got one and didn't actually start using it until 9 months later. It's like being pregnant with technology. haha. It takes a while for it to develop as a good and practical/fun thing for me. I guess only time will tell.
I saw To Save A Life again today...! I went with Matt, Lauren, and Tina. It was a good time! The movie is so incredible. Really. It's so realistic that it's upsetting. It's the kind of movie that breaks your heart, and then sets it on fire with hope and motivation. I feel like I'm finally ready for God to put me into a situation where I can help and be a light to others. It's taken me so much breaking and healing and growing to get to this point in my faith, and even my general maturity, I can feel a tug on my heart. I guess I will just have to keep my eyes open. I don't know where or how I can help, but I trust that when the time comes that I will have some way of knowing.
I was looking at my bank statement the other day [I pay for everything with a debit so I can keep track of where my money goes] and I noticed an unfortunate trend. McDonalds, Speedway, Red Robin, Marathon, Thorntons, Wendys, Starbucks, Speedway, McDonalds, Shell. Besides the fact that I spend a ton of money on gas. I eat out alot also. Oops. I've spent atleast $40 on eating out/snacking this month. That is more than a full tank of gas. I could get a full tank of gas and a pair of sunglasses[I love sunglasses. It's a problem]. Not to mention how unhealthy it is, because I mean, it's not like I'm gettings salads when I go to McDonalds... Today after the movie we went to Noodles & Co. [YYYummmmmm] and I didn't get anything. BAM. $5.50 saved. Right there. I just came home and ate mac&cheese instead of buying it. Money saved. Portion controlled. And last Wednesday after CYT@school, I had time to kill before dance but I wasn't going home in between, and I decided before I left for Bartlett that I didn't want to eat out for dinner. So I packed a dinner for myself! I ate salad, an orange, and cheese its instead of fast food. And it felt goooood! So I am making a deal with myself. In effort to strengthen my discipline, grow my bank account, and not strain my clothing. For the next 2 weeks, which is roughly until Valentines Day. I'm going to not spend my money eating out. Just to test it out. It's just not practical now that I need money for important things like gas and shampoo.
Speaking of money... moolah.. dinero... green.. cashola. Whatevs. I don't have barely any. Really. I have an estimated $2 to my name right now. This has put me into a lengthy inner conversation with myself in the past two days. Is money important? This is the question that I keep coming back to. Actually I've always thought about it, but as I'm getting older it's becoming heavier and heavier. I'm sort of puzzling this out as I write it, so bare with me, but I need to figure it out. I think that in the last three sentences I have decided that to me money is necessary and valueable, but not important. Does that make sense? As long as dollars and coins have value in America, money will be important, so it is necessary in order for us to survive... But I don't think that it's exactly important. I need money to pay for insurance, my phone bill, etc. etc. but having any money other than what is needed to do that isn't important to me. It is more important to me to be rich in full and loving relationships, than to be rich in the way of the world. God provides. Always. I've been worrying alot lately about my single digit bank account... But I guess ultimately God will take care of what ever I need, as long as I trust Him to. He will provide the method and the means! haha. Beautiful Savior.

Consistancy if nothing else...

I was cleaning the bathroom earlier while I was thinking... And I thought of something really great to write about. I wish I could remember what it was.
Doesn't that bother you when that happens? Maybe I'm getting old. I've peaked. It's all down hill from here. haha.

Today was the most productive day I've had in a while! I woke up with the goal to get things done. And then I did. I made my list. I checked things off. It was nice.

Tomorrow I start CYT@school in bartlett. I'm still going back and forth on deciding if it's worth it to drive all the way out there... But I like kids. So. Hopefully it will work out well.

I wish this was a more interesting post. I still haven't all the way formed my thoughts on prayer. So I can't really write about it.

sorry this is lame!

An awkward misunderstanding

Do you want to know what I find endlessly funny/peculiar?
Couples who look like brother and sister. Really though.
Last night I went out to dinner with some friends from DuPage CYT. I went to specifically see some of the girls, but there one girl I didn't know and she was with a boy who I also did not know... I wasn't introduced to them, but they looked (no lie) like twins. [To this moment I'm hoping for some parent trap craziness to happen where they find out they were separated at birth. However if they tried to switch places for the summer and no one noticed, like in the movie, DCFS should be called. haha.]
Anyhow, we went to starbucks after dinner and there I am. Minding my own business. La deee daa. Nothing special. When they start holding hands! What kind of weirdo family is this?
Turns out. They're in a relationship, and they are not related after all. My bad!
What must be going on in your subconscious to make you date someone that looks like you?
I have narrowed this down to two viable possibilities. Either you are:
A) Secretly (or not secretly?) very vain, and you are just attracted to yourself.
or
B) Victim to a subconscious urge to carry on the recessive genes passed down from your parents.

Please pause while I google for an answer.
....
The best that I can gather, the answer is neither A nor B. The answer is both!
I feel like I can skip over the "we all love ourselves secretly" thing. Whatever, you get it, and it's true.
But to get all scientific up in here I'll explain B.
I learned in Biology [and mind you this is the only chapter that stuck] that people with recessive genes [i.e. blonde hair, blue eyes, etc.] are more likely to be attracted to people who share that same gene in the attempt to pass it on to carry on said genes. That's why blondes and blue eyes haven't died out yet! Hooray for my eyes!
I also saw some hit of "personality traits are shown in certain facial features", but I don't have anything to back that one up... So I can't really say anything on the topic.
I just think those couples are funny! I hope they stay around forever... May humans forever love themselves. haha.

This weekend was so nice. I had rehersal yesterday [it's going just fine, thank you], then right after rehersal I got to go to the Barlow's!
Now I don't know how well/if you know them. But they are so incredible. They are such a welcoming, encouraging, strong Christian family. I love being there because it really feels like family. It's not just like they all live together and just so happen to share the same DNA... They love eachother, and they care about eachother, and they make the effort to help eachother grow and learn. So patiently. It's a beautiful thing. And I always leave there feeling so spiritually recharged, because you can't help but feel the presence of God when you're around them.
I've been thinking alot about prayer lately. alot. When we use it, how we use it, why we use it... When we abuse it, how we abuse it, why we abuse it.... When we don't use it, why we don't use it, how we could use it... You get the picture. I think sometimes it is a misunderstood and overcomplicated thing. I can feel a post building in me about prayer. But I need the right words before I can write about it. Sometime soon I guess. A brief word on it though. I think sometimes prayer changes us more than it changes God's plan for us. The willingness to rely on God that prayer signifies seems to open our hearts to what He is intending. Does that make sense?

Until then :)

Black dress. With the tights underneath!

I got my new phone cover in the mail today!
I was so excited when it came. I'm still excited actually.
Part of it probably has to do with the fact that I successfully bid and won it on ebay. [my first ebay purchase, hooray for technology!]
Another part could be that it was only $7.50, and it didn't have any shipping charges. [I was trained to love a good deal.]
It could also have to do with it being bright green and black zebra print.
But I think mainly it's that it's new. And it's me. That's why I am so excited.
When I was 5 I appreciated everything. Dinner, time with family, material items, you name it I was supposed to respect the privilege of having it. I did so willingly for a while, and make no mistake of it, I was lucky enough to never go without or get the "kids are starving in Africa so eat your rice" speech. I was just told I was lucky, and I understood some how. I'm afraid of rice by the way, so I am super grateful my mom didn't force me to eat it.
As I got older everything became about clothes. I wanted brands and I wanted them in as high of a volume as possible. I wouldn't say that I was trying to impress anyone with my clothing choices, I just liked certain things. And I liked the statement that I felt like I was making. "I am cool, whether you agree or not." I let my clothes do the talking instead of me.
Then I had a "break through". Loving clothes and material possessions was wrong and I shouldn't want them. Oh boy. That was a mistake, and a painful one at that. I felt like a bad Christian for walking by my favorite store and wanting to go in and buy a new dress or shirt. or sunglasses. or purse. whatever. "How could I be so selfish to want another skirt when there are people getting mugged for their shoes? what is wrong with me?" Now I feel it's important to say that I was not[as much as it may sound like it] a raging shopaholic. haha. I just liked clothes. I liked the way I felt in them. I worked to find great prices. I could go on for a while about how much I enjoyed american eagle and hollister[I regret that], but it's unneccesary as I feel like my point has been shown.
Anywhich. I have since come to realize that it is not wrong for me to enjoy clothes, purses, rings, phone covers, etc. as long as I do not put them ahead of the things in my life that count. I have found a happy medium between hating material possessions and loving that one bag just a little to much. I'd say I'm closest to my 5 year old age of being grateful for my pillow, and my book, and my mommy, and my neighboor, and that we had mashed potatos with dinner.[Do you remember when prayers were that simple?] I am fortunate to have the clothes I'm wearing right now, and I value them, but I also feel good wearing them.
When I recieve a compliment about something I'm wearing I take it as a compliment about myself. This is why:
The way a person dresses reflects their personality and soul.
Think about it. What you put on your body makes a statement about who you are, and what you care about. Whether you like it or not. Even by "not caring about clothes" you make a statement about yourself. Personally, when I buy a new dress I am over the moon. Not because it's the cool thing right now, but because its a new expression of myself and I can't wait to wear it.
I today I got a new phone cover in the mail. It's a new expression of me.

A legit update on my life, before I get all philosophical

So. I have gone through most of these posts (I got tired of reading my own thoughts halfway through may), and I deleted the ones that were sad or negative... It was very cathartic. There wasn't many depressing ones, but it was weighing on my soul to have them out there in semi secrecy. They're gone now though! On to more purple and abstract pastures. If you've never seen a purple pasture, you obviously have not been looking long enough.
Any ways, I am hopping back on this wagon.
So I've recently had lots of interesting things happen/change/change me.
La de daaa. Winter break ended well. I had a ball the whole time, right on through the new year. I spent new years eve by myself on the couch watching scrubs and psych and eating to many doritos. Before you pity me, this was by choice. I had somewhere to go. I simply did not want to go there. And I was tired. And you know what? The next day I wasn't. Because I did not stay up until dawn. haha.
I am pleased to say that I spent the beginning of the new year having breakfast with Lo, then at Natalie's birthday party. I am not pleased to say that not only did I get pulled over on the way home from natalies, but I also was pulled over the following friday on the way to a Little Mermaid rehersal. Twice in one week. That's right. I am now making a concious effort not to speed/text/eat/change my pants while driving. The roads can be considered safer.
I decided on two colleges to apply to! Baylor and Biola. Both B names. Both far far away. Both warm. Both religious. I know. I didn't see any of those qualifications coming either... It's a total God thing though. I prayed for a clarity and I got it in a very literal way. I still have a little more to turn in to the schools, but I'm not concerned anymore. I know God will put me wherever he wants me next year. I am comfortable in that. Funny thing about my Biola essay. I actually learned alot about myself through writing it. It wasn't hard like I thought it would be, when I finally sat down to write it (and boy oh boy did I procrastinate) the words just sort of flowed out of me. It was basically supposed to be a personal testimony, and it was one. I always thought that would be a hard thing for me to write because of the things that I have encountered in my 17 and a half years, but surprisingly, I am proud of it. Right now I feel like I am growing more spiritually than I have in too long.
I've been going to Christian Fellowship for a few weeks instead of The Chapel, and I like it so much. Everyone is so open and friendly, it's a breath of fresh air.
Friends have been better, but the could certainly be and have been worse.
I have a really light semester of school.
I just got word today that I'll be aiding again for CYT @ School! Cheers for unexpected income.
I am dirt poor and barely scraping by, but I'm happy to have a car.
I got that keyboard for Christmas!
I joined a dance class, am taking PD, and am aiding dance. mmmmm.
Singing is becoming more appealing to me everyday.
It will be warm soon.

You said it Marc Broussard. Things are lookin' up all the time :)

My next thingie will probably be more introspective... but I got a jolt of positivity around the end here, so I decided it's best to go out on a good note. + I'm starved and need some food in my belly.