Do as God says, not as I did.

You know, I was really struggling during this show as far as reaching out to the younger kids and the girls that I don't really know. Mind you, I didn't really realize that it was a problem for me... But I did realize that that connection was missing. I wouldn't say I've ever been super popular in any of the shows that I've been apart of or anything, but I've always atleast tried to get to know more than just my circle of friends. Not in this show though... I didn't really feel that pull, and I guess I just sort of let it slide. Bad Mary! Bad! Bad! hahaha... Anyways, that really chaged this week for me. I just feel like God opened all of those doors for me all at once. I don't know if everyone in CYT shares my feelings on this, but I truly love the privilege of getting to know my cast. ESPECIALLY the younger girls. I desire in life to be able to be a strong role model for girls, and CYT really allows me to explore that. So cool. Anyways, I just really feel like those doors have been opening. I love some of the bonding that I've been able to do with people who I really didn't have much of a chance (or desire) to talk to at rehersal. Each one of the kids in the cast brings such a unique beauty to the show, I'm really enjoying the opportunity to show them that.
I think it's important to remember that as much as I want to be a positive influence to others, it's really important that I still surround myself with friends who can positively influence me. Iron sharpening iron and so forth. I struggle with that sometimes, and that's when I start to feel like I'm drowning.


Now getting on to the good stuff.

I had a sort of A-ha! moment during worship today at church. There is some backstory to my A-ha! moment that I feel like is really important, so just bear with me! Most people know that just in the last year or so have I really REALLY started paying attention to and growing in my faith. It's been quite the experience! I'm steered right now farther from Christian and more towards Christ follower, and I really could not be more thrilled about it :)
Anywhen. Over last fall I was really struggling with feeling that I was hypocritical. Do as God says, not as I did sounds pretty hypocritical when you're trying to help someone towards the right path... Now details of my poor decisions aren't necessarily well known for the selfish fear of peer judgement and such... But poor decisions have been CERTAINLY been made, worse ones than I would rather, and I do not pretend otherwise. I carried my burden of "hypocracy" with me so heavily last fall. It was a big barrier between me and God, but I was really really struggling to overcome it. It spread to affect my relationships with friends, with my family, and totally with myself and my heart as well.
I was just hanging out with myself recently. Thinking. Pondering. Puzzling out life. Whatever you call it. And something just popped right into my head. God FORGAVE my sins. Jesus DIED for them. And I was DWELLING on them. One of these things is not like the other! What good does it do for my faith to be forgiven if I'm just going to carry my sins around in my back pocket? If God can get past them, why can I not? I will tell you why. Doubt of God's power to forgive.
"Really? Totally forgiven? As in, You won't bring this up when I mess up again God? That's crazy. That doesn't happen." Yes it does. That's what's up, man! God, my Lord and Savior, forgave my past transgressions when I gave my life to him. It was my own fear that I wasn't really forgiven that led me to think that they still would be held against me and were something to be ashamed of. I think I relyed on my doubt as a safety net alot also, because until I could admit that I was forgiven I couldn't really give myself entirely to God. You know what I'm saying? I think that learning from your sins is really important, but there is a big difference between learning from and dwelling on.
All of this build up brings me to my actual point: although God obviously didn't choose for me to sin, He can choose to use it as a tool for Him. He's powerful like that. Learning from, but not dwelling on my past, current, and future sins allows me to be used as a tool within the Body of Christ. I've been there, I've done that, and I was able to come out alive on the otherside with a unique story of salvation. Not saying that I am glad for my sins, but I AM glad that my life before I really felt God can be useful for something. I would hate to feel like I had wasted 17 years. I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to bless others with what I've already learned.
I was talking to Randy Peterkort after church last Sunday, and alot of stuff just started clicking for me as I was talking out some of my spiritual growth with him. He's a cool guy, he became a true Christ follower towards the end of his teenage years, similar to myself.
I have lately been feeling that it's a turned into a blessing that I wasn't raised in a "traditional" Christian home. My mom is a Christian, Bobby goes to church because he has to, and my dad makes fun of religion and mocks Christian anything. I got a neopolitan family I guess! I was blessed growing up to be raised AROUND alot of strong Christian families though, which I feel was of huge benefit to me. Since we don't really talk about faith in our house, I have really had to figure things out for myself. Having strong Christian parents around me, but not raising me, has really allowed me to be free to come to Jesus by choice and not by force. I've seen the way the the world does it, and I've seen the way that Christ followers do it. It wasn't that hard of a choice once I was courageous enough to make it. My faith is my own. And I am here because I want to be, not because it is required of me. Are you following? Sure, it would be easier if I could talk things out with my parents and go to them for advice... But you know what? My mom gives me better advice than anyone I know. And I may not be able to talk with my dad, but I CAN talk with my Father. Lucky me :)

That's what I have for now!
I need to go finally wash off my stage makeup and brush out my crazy hair :) haha.