My insides are totally at war right now. I guess I don't mean that literally, but I definitely mean it metaphorically. There is literally a BATTLE going on up in there. I wish I could say what was going on exactly, but I really don't know.
I do know that I feel heavy, despite being as happy as a clam to be on Christmas Break(which never felt like it would get here), and very uncomfortable with my surroundings.
I guess I'm struggling with falling into old habits.
And definitely with putting myself in friendship situations that I know are not right for me right now.
And mourning some friendships that I don't know how to fix.
And I've been very concerned with what I "need" lately, which is a huge struggle. Time with loved ones that I need. Time to myself that I need. Things that I need to get done. Thinking that I need to do. I need a job. I need good grades. I need to transfer. I need more sleep. I need better food. You know? There has been a lot of I need, and that's been blocking out a lot of God guidance I think. It's something that I think I try so hard to be wary of that I accidentally fall anyway because I'm trying so hard. When one focuses so hard on one thing, what else could happen. Satan knows how to get in the backdoor and cracks better than any one. This "I need" mentality is making me feel so isolated so quickly. I mean, today was my 3rd day of break and I already feel suffocated. I believe that says something about the way I've been spending my time. I wouldn't say trust has ever been a strong suit of mine, but I feel like maybe it's important that I focus less on what I feel like I "need" and more on trusting that God already knows what I really need. He is a great provider you know. If God really does work everything together for the good of those who love Him, then it is really just irresponsible for me to try and take control. I have faith that if I need time alone to recharge or hang out with myself and do crafty things then I will have that, and so on and so forth.
I've also been struggling with Prayer lately. This is kind of an important struggle for me. And definitely a personal one. I've realized that I sure do a lot of praying for myself, and I feel like maybe I don't pray as much for others as I wish I did.
I carry my relationships very close to my heart, but I think when it comes down to talking with God it's all me and very little others. It's like I get so excited that I don't even think about other people. I don't like that, and have resolved (right now) to work on it. I want to pray for my friends and my family. I want them to be blessed and lead lives that are full and I want to be a prayer warrior for them.
I think my house makes me afraid of responsibility. When I am at school I am super independent girl. I do everything for myself, I take initiative, I get things done. Not at home. There's something about home that makes me want to curl up under my mass of comforters and pillows, close the curtains and hide from the world. I am barely capable of doing anything and that freaks me out. Is it because climbing up my bed at school is too much work to bother trying to hide from the world? Probably not. I don't really have to think for myself here. I can sit, watch TV, eat, talk with my family and safely not get anything done. I basically got away with this all last year, the only difference is that now I care. Now I am used to being self sufficient. Now I want to grow and branch out and do things beyond my little bed nest. The challenge is kicking myself into gear.
So I guess maybe I do have some idea of what's going on inside after all.
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, no fun. And I just want to go to OneThing so badly right now. I apparantly have somethings to sort out.
I'm in talks with Baylor this week, figuring that business out.
Doing no school work.
Sleeping more than I probably should be.
I have a lot of choices to make. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Ahhhhhh to be young (I am).
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