Lotion & Marriage

I've done something to myself that is limiting my mobility... I never knew that simply sleeping/stretching/sitting on the couch could do so much damage. I am in pain. On the brighter side of the cloud... I got my hair cut today! There are few things that I like better than having clean, split end free, shiny hair. My legs are also incredibly soft, one of the aformentioned few things enjoyed more than a hair cut. I don't know what it is about soft skin that I just adore, but there is something about it that just makes me smile. I feel better when my skin is soft. Is that strange? I don't really care if it is. After many affairs with other lotions, I've returned to my true love. Jergens Natural Glow. I discovered it back in aladdin, when I needed to be tan in February, and I have never since found a lotion that makes my skin prettier or softer. And believe me, I have looked. If you haven't used it, go buy it. It's worth it.

I've been thinking alot in the past 2 months about marriage. Not one specific topic realating to it... Everything. Marriages around me, what I want in a husband, when I want to get married, my fears about marriage, the kind of wife I want to be. Alot of things... points... lists in my head... You know, normal Mary thoughts. haha. I want to share it all, because I feel like someday I might need it. So... Sorry in advance about the length. haha. Maybe I'll split it up.
My parents do not have the ideal marriage. I wish with everything in me that they did, for their sake as much as mine, but they don't. My mom married my dad thinking he would change, and he never did. I could go into details about our family problems, but that isn't the point of this, so just know... it isn't a fairytale. When I was younger my dad wasn't around much because of work. My mom cooked dinner every night, and when he called to say that he would be late, she saved him a plate in the fridge. She was unhappy. When my dad lost his job and his license, she went back to work full time. He was unhappy. The older I get, the more unhappy they get. It's really the only thing they have in common. I always thought that this was just how marriage was. A tax deduction, a room mate, love when it was convenient, don't expect anything and you won't be dissapointed. Fairytales were called that for a reason. They didn't REALLY happen. Maybe that sounds cynical, but that's what I thought. I never said it outloud, but it's so true. Children of an unhapppy marriage are just as damaged as children from divorce. It's only been in the past couple months as I've witnessed God's love that I've understood what marriage can be. Marriage isn't supposed to be fickle or convenient. Marriage is a support system. A give and take. Unconditional love. Joy when you're 87 and tired. I have alot of friends whose parents have marital problems and alot of friends whose parents have faced divorce, but I also have some friends whose parents are beautiful examples of marriage as I believe God inteded it to be. Now this is all a very new concept to me... But I'm excited for it. Like REALLY REALLY excited. I'm sad for the unhappiness of my parents, but I'm glad to have learned first hand from them not to settle. To always challenge myself. And especially to communicate.
As far back as I can remember I wanted to wait to get married. My mom waited until she was 30 to get married and counts it as one of her best decisions. I want to travel, learn about myself, work, learn about God. I want to do it ALL. I have so many passions I can barely tie my shoes. So I've always thought it would be a better idea for me to wait to get married like my mom did... Way to put a limit on God Mary! haha. For somebody who prided herself on keeping her options open, I sure did box myself in on that one. With the same conviction I had for waiting to get married I always thought I would marry my best friend. Not saying I thought that I would marry every best guy friend I've ever had... but it was just a feeling. Someday. Because I believe a husband or wife should be your best friend. Anyways. I'm keeping my options open on when I want to get married. As for having kids, that I'm prepared to wait on. But marriage... I feel that tug. So I'm keeping my heart open. As painful as that is sometimes, when ever God's ready, I think that I'm ready.
As excited as I am to get married, I'm also terrified. What if I make the wrong decision? Pick the wrong guy? I'm sure that most divorcees thought that they were doing the right thing when they got married... same with most unhappy couples. When I get married I want it to be forEVER. I'm afraid of growing apart. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid that my husband will be like my dad. I'm afraid that I won't be vulnerable enough. I am AFRAID IN GENERAL. I've never been one for commitment, and marriage is a huge one. I'm hoping for my fear to be what drives me though. Does that make sense? I want my fear to be a healthy one. I want my fear of growing apart to keep me close to my husband. I want my fear of marrying someone like my dad to make me not settle for anything less than what I want. I hope to use my fear as fire in my life, instead of letting it eat me. I want to be a good wife. I KNOW that I have it in me. So long as I can open my heart, I will be just fine. I've decided that.

I'm going to write another post of what I've found that I want in a husband. I feel like it needs a whole post by itself because of how important it is to me. So... Another time. Maybe tonight. Maybe not. haha. Leaving you guessing I guess!