Consistancy if nothing else...

I was cleaning the bathroom earlier while I was thinking... And I thought of something really great to write about. I wish I could remember what it was.
Doesn't that bother you when that happens? Maybe I'm getting old. I've peaked. It's all down hill from here. haha.

Today was the most productive day I've had in a while! I woke up with the goal to get things done. And then I did. I made my list. I checked things off. It was nice.

Tomorrow I start CYT@school in bartlett. I'm still going back and forth on deciding if it's worth it to drive all the way out there... But I like kids. So. Hopefully it will work out well.

I wish this was a more interesting post. I still haven't all the way formed my thoughts on prayer. So I can't really write about it.

sorry this is lame!

An awkward misunderstanding

Do you want to know what I find endlessly funny/peculiar?
Couples who look like brother and sister. Really though.
Last night I went out to dinner with some friends from DuPage CYT. I went to specifically see some of the girls, but there one girl I didn't know and she was with a boy who I also did not know... I wasn't introduced to them, but they looked (no lie) like twins. [To this moment I'm hoping for some parent trap craziness to happen where they find out they were separated at birth. However if they tried to switch places for the summer and no one noticed, like in the movie, DCFS should be called. haha.]
Anyhow, we went to starbucks after dinner and there I am. Minding my own business. La deee daa. Nothing special. When they start holding hands! What kind of weirdo family is this?
Turns out. They're in a relationship, and they are not related after all. My bad!
What must be going on in your subconscious to make you date someone that looks like you?
I have narrowed this down to two viable possibilities. Either you are:
A) Secretly (or not secretly?) very vain, and you are just attracted to yourself.
or
B) Victim to a subconscious urge to carry on the recessive genes passed down from your parents.

Please pause while I google for an answer.
....
The best that I can gather, the answer is neither A nor B. The answer is both!
I feel like I can skip over the "we all love ourselves secretly" thing. Whatever, you get it, and it's true.
But to get all scientific up in here I'll explain B.
I learned in Biology [and mind you this is the only chapter that stuck] that people with recessive genes [i.e. blonde hair, blue eyes, etc.] are more likely to be attracted to people who share that same gene in the attempt to pass it on to carry on said genes. That's why blondes and blue eyes haven't died out yet! Hooray for my eyes!
I also saw some hit of "personality traits are shown in certain facial features", but I don't have anything to back that one up... So I can't really say anything on the topic.
I just think those couples are funny! I hope they stay around forever... May humans forever love themselves. haha.

This weekend was so nice. I had rehersal yesterday [it's going just fine, thank you], then right after rehersal I got to go to the Barlow's!
Now I don't know how well/if you know them. But they are so incredible. They are such a welcoming, encouraging, strong Christian family. I love being there because it really feels like family. It's not just like they all live together and just so happen to share the same DNA... They love eachother, and they care about eachother, and they make the effort to help eachother grow and learn. So patiently. It's a beautiful thing. And I always leave there feeling so spiritually recharged, because you can't help but feel the presence of God when you're around them.
I've been thinking alot about prayer lately. alot. When we use it, how we use it, why we use it... When we abuse it, how we abuse it, why we abuse it.... When we don't use it, why we don't use it, how we could use it... You get the picture. I think sometimes it is a misunderstood and overcomplicated thing. I can feel a post building in me about prayer. But I need the right words before I can write about it. Sometime soon I guess. A brief word on it though. I think sometimes prayer changes us more than it changes God's plan for us. The willingness to rely on God that prayer signifies seems to open our hearts to what He is intending. Does that make sense?

Until then :)

Black dress. With the tights underneath!

I got my new phone cover in the mail today!
I was so excited when it came. I'm still excited actually.
Part of it probably has to do with the fact that I successfully bid and won it on ebay. [my first ebay purchase, hooray for technology!]
Another part could be that it was only $7.50, and it didn't have any shipping charges. [I was trained to love a good deal.]
It could also have to do with it being bright green and black zebra print.
But I think mainly it's that it's new. And it's me. That's why I am so excited.
When I was 5 I appreciated everything. Dinner, time with family, material items, you name it I was supposed to respect the privilege of having it. I did so willingly for a while, and make no mistake of it, I was lucky enough to never go without or get the "kids are starving in Africa so eat your rice" speech. I was just told I was lucky, and I understood some how. I'm afraid of rice by the way, so I am super grateful my mom didn't force me to eat it.
As I got older everything became about clothes. I wanted brands and I wanted them in as high of a volume as possible. I wouldn't say that I was trying to impress anyone with my clothing choices, I just liked certain things. And I liked the statement that I felt like I was making. "I am cool, whether you agree or not." I let my clothes do the talking instead of me.
Then I had a "break through". Loving clothes and material possessions was wrong and I shouldn't want them. Oh boy. That was a mistake, and a painful one at that. I felt like a bad Christian for walking by my favorite store and wanting to go in and buy a new dress or shirt. or sunglasses. or purse. whatever. "How could I be so selfish to want another skirt when there are people getting mugged for their shoes? what is wrong with me?" Now I feel it's important to say that I was not[as much as it may sound like it] a raging shopaholic. haha. I just liked clothes. I liked the way I felt in them. I worked to find great prices. I could go on for a while about how much I enjoyed american eagle and hollister[I regret that], but it's unneccesary as I feel like my point has been shown.
Anywhich. I have since come to realize that it is not wrong for me to enjoy clothes, purses, rings, phone covers, etc. as long as I do not put them ahead of the things in my life that count. I have found a happy medium between hating material possessions and loving that one bag just a little to much. I'd say I'm closest to my 5 year old age of being grateful for my pillow, and my book, and my mommy, and my neighboor, and that we had mashed potatos with dinner.[Do you remember when prayers were that simple?] I am fortunate to have the clothes I'm wearing right now, and I value them, but I also feel good wearing them.
When I recieve a compliment about something I'm wearing I take it as a compliment about myself. This is why:
The way a person dresses reflects their personality and soul.
Think about it. What you put on your body makes a statement about who you are, and what you care about. Whether you like it or not. Even by "not caring about clothes" you make a statement about yourself. Personally, when I buy a new dress I am over the moon. Not because it's the cool thing right now, but because its a new expression of myself and I can't wait to wear it.
I today I got a new phone cover in the mail. It's a new expression of me.

A legit update on my life, before I get all philosophical

So. I have gone through most of these posts (I got tired of reading my own thoughts halfway through may), and I deleted the ones that were sad or negative... It was very cathartic. There wasn't many depressing ones, but it was weighing on my soul to have them out there in semi secrecy. They're gone now though! On to more purple and abstract pastures. If you've never seen a purple pasture, you obviously have not been looking long enough.
Any ways, I am hopping back on this wagon.
So I've recently had lots of interesting things happen/change/change me.
La de daaa. Winter break ended well. I had a ball the whole time, right on through the new year. I spent new years eve by myself on the couch watching scrubs and psych and eating to many doritos. Before you pity me, this was by choice. I had somewhere to go. I simply did not want to go there. And I was tired. And you know what? The next day I wasn't. Because I did not stay up until dawn. haha.
I am pleased to say that I spent the beginning of the new year having breakfast with Lo, then at Natalie's birthday party. I am not pleased to say that not only did I get pulled over on the way home from natalies, but I also was pulled over the following friday on the way to a Little Mermaid rehersal. Twice in one week. That's right. I am now making a concious effort not to speed/text/eat/change my pants while driving. The roads can be considered safer.
I decided on two colleges to apply to! Baylor and Biola. Both B names. Both far far away. Both warm. Both religious. I know. I didn't see any of those qualifications coming either... It's a total God thing though. I prayed for a clarity and I got it in a very literal way. I still have a little more to turn in to the schools, but I'm not concerned anymore. I know God will put me wherever he wants me next year. I am comfortable in that. Funny thing about my Biola essay. I actually learned alot about myself through writing it. It wasn't hard like I thought it would be, when I finally sat down to write it (and boy oh boy did I procrastinate) the words just sort of flowed out of me. It was basically supposed to be a personal testimony, and it was one. I always thought that would be a hard thing for me to write because of the things that I have encountered in my 17 and a half years, but surprisingly, I am proud of it. Right now I feel like I am growing more spiritually than I have in too long.
I've been going to Christian Fellowship for a few weeks instead of The Chapel, and I like it so much. Everyone is so open and friendly, it's a breath of fresh air.
Friends have been better, but the could certainly be and have been worse.
I have a really light semester of school.
I just got word today that I'll be aiding again for CYT @ School! Cheers for unexpected income.
I am dirt poor and barely scraping by, but I'm happy to have a car.
I got that keyboard for Christmas!
I joined a dance class, am taking PD, and am aiding dance. mmmmm.
Singing is becoming more appealing to me everyday.
It will be warm soon.

You said it Marc Broussard. Things are lookin' up all the time :)

My next thingie will probably be more introspective... but I got a jolt of positivity around the end here, so I decided it's best to go out on a good note. + I'm starved and need some food in my belly.

Sometimes. It is all to much.

consistency is not the name of anything.

I give up on writing regualrly in favor of only writing when I have something to say.
I've really been struggling lately with two things.
One is definitely college/future endeavors. It's so difficult. I trust God to put me where he wants me to be... but. I know that I'm not supposed to just sit around and wait for him to put my future in my lap. I want to chose the right path. But there's so many options that I'm not sure what that path is.
Also, and almost more importantly for me, I've really been thinking about my faith and my life as an active Christian. I've been reading this book called the irresistible revolution and it has pretty much changed the way I think. It suggests living totally and completely for God and giving parts of myself that I've never thought to give seriously before. It's throwing me for a loop. What about the things that I like that might not be God honoring? Like rap music? Clothes and makeup? Innapropriate jokes?
Do I just abandon those things? Quit them cold turkey in an effort to live like Jesus lived? What if that makes me unhappy? If it does can I fully live like Jesus? I don't quite know the answers actually. None of those are rhetorical. My mission right now is to figure this out.
And to express how much I really love music. It burns in my soul, but so far I've refused to let it boil over.
And to get a webcam so that I can finally talk to Erica.
And to start thinking straight.
And to get a keyboard.

Give me that line again...

Listening to: I'd rather go blind, Etta James
It's so nice and rainy today. Sometimes that's deffinitely a good thing I think, not always, but it's fall now so it's delicious.
Listening to: Stacey's Mom, Fountains of Wayne
I just felt like writing today I suppose. Grace was quite fun yesterday. I barely had any classes because it was picture day, and it was just a really nice time in general. I got to talk to Erica for a bit, which I always enjoy. She's great.
There's a concert on Tuesday! Relient K. I really really want to go. Badly.
I feel my creativ juices returning to me finally. I always know because everything I see looks like art or potential art. It's a beautiful thing to see the world that way.
Listening to: Beating heart baby, Head Automatica
Really though, it's so cool when everything is an inspiration. Its sort of frusterating sometimes, because I don't know where to start, but it's never a bad thing. And it makes me a happier person in general. Which I definitely have been lately.
I forgot how it felt to be so positive about things. It's wonderful. I feel awful that I let that slip away from me, like I wasted time almost.
Listening to: Near to you, A Fine Frenzy
Jamie burnt me a copy of RK's new cd and brought it to me yesterday. It was okay, a little dissapointing, but there were a couple realy good tracks on it.
I'm steadily becoming okay with being alone so much, which is bittersweet.
Upside of this move = Me and mom are closer than ever. She's one of my best friends.
Maybe that's lame... But I enjoy the situation.
I'm working for CYT now!
haha... just can't get enough.
I'm doing their CYT at school program with Rachael, Alise, and Lauren Wednesdays. It's seems really fun so far, the kids are a handful, but... when are they not? I'm really excited for the rest of the semester with them.
Listening to: Oh Momma, Justin Nozuka

The way I ayum.

currently listening to: sea of love (cat power) cover.

I think I'm getting old and young at the same time. Like Benjamin Button, except for not really. Mentally for me. I seem to be forgetting things alot... I hope this isn't the result of some brain malfunction.
I am... nervous.. to stay the least about college/gap year/esthetician school/general future. It would be awesome if somebody just told me whether I'm choosing the right path or doing the right thing. Or how to prepare. That would be cool too. I just... don't want to mess up my future because I didn't know something I should've been doing. Ultimately I have faith that I will end up in the correct place eventually I guess. I will just have to to trust God through all of this. obviously. As if I could live through what I've gone through without doing so.
I refuse to talk about my romantic endeavors here. This is a sacred arena. But there is someone.
Unfortunately. It's just awful for my state of mind. I'm nowhere near mature enough for this.
This has been a strange year... with everything going on and all.
Oh that reminds me!
I slept over at Rachael's monday night after project dance and we were talking about... well alot of things really... but one particular thing she said stuck to me. We were talking of sensitive things and she said "can't they just let me be upset and frusterated? Who says I want them to solve all of my problems?"
This is so true. I really don't even have to say much more. But to be clear, when I have an issue with myself.... I don't really expect people to solve it just because I'm vocal about it. Sometimes. I just need to air my feelings in order to heal them... That really helps me.
I have had a serious passion for music lately. I just go bananas for it. and singing. mmmm.

Come undone

Itunes still doesn't work... Incase you were wondering. haha.
I've been deprived of downloading illegally and having it sync for my conveniance. Pitty poor me.
I went to rehersal for the hobbit yesterday. It was a totally new experience. I took the train to arlington heights both ways, which was really really cool. I will probably always like trains. Or atleast until I have to ride them so much that I don't appreciate them. I just enjoy them so much, and I feel so grown up riding them. Especially by myself. I didn't actually have much to do at rehersal, but it was still nice to get away from my normal area and friends and go visit.
I probably haven't updated this because... well.. I haven't actually been doing all that much. School. Watching movies and TV. Heritage fest. Oliver auditions. Hanging out with my mom. Doing more school. Seeing fame with matt. School again. Still unpacking. That's pretty much it...
And yes I realize it's not terribly interesting or active.
I kind of wish it was, but it's not, so that's okay too.
I miss some of my friends. I don't miss some of them.
I'm connecting with the outside world via technology. That's actually NOT okay with me.
I need to get on to the college business that I've been slacking on.
No matter what happens as far as attendance, I should probably not leave it until the last minute. That's enough of that stomach churning talk.
I've been listening to so much music lately. It's very healthy. It would be really cool if I could share it more though. It's like keeping secrets.
God has had a huge presence in my life the past 2 weeks.
Things just keep being said, or done, or presented to me, teaching me about Him and proving to me how real he is. It's almost to much for me to handle. I can barely wrap my mind around His greatness and power. But.. it's just so phenomenal. It's like I found something that's been lost for so long in a jacket I was about to throw away. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by strong Christians like I am.
Sometimes I suppose I feel like they're a huge struggle for me to be around, because I itch to rebel, but really... They're my supports and without them I would undoubtedly fall. Sometimes I think about how I wont have stories to tell my kids when I'm older... but I think maybe I still will. They wont be the same kind my dad had, but they'll be something better to aspire to. I hope. When I think of how much life I have in front of me yet to be lived, I can barely breathe. I hope that I get to enjoy it for a good long time. I'm afraid to die young. I don't pretend otherwise.
Katie has been in Mexico for 6 weeks now, and she really seems to be enjoying it. It was hard for her at first I know, but... I really think this will be one of the coolest things she'll ever do. I hope to have an oppertunity like that sometime.
I'm in Project Dance! Killa' Killa'. I love it so far. I'm really glad I decided to do it.

My shortest but most true update: I've been really stuggling lately.

I hope for something new to happen soon. A good thing.

Mitchel Musso's a tool!
haha.

Sicko

This will be really short.

Itunes is killing me. Maybe.
Actually, it's not, but I have a cold so it feels like the end of the world.
Went to the fray with Kaitlyn on Sunday. Which was incredibly cool. It was last minute, but I'm so glad I went. Started school back last Thursday. Yuck. Moved Sept. 1st.
We live in Crystal Lake now, by the beach, and Bob is the land lord! That's an update I guess.
All is well.
It seems like the calm after the storm.

I think I'm to frusterated for this..

Matthew 5:16

I'm just so exhausted.
I'm excited for school and not excited for school all at the same time.
Actually I feel alot of stress around me right now.
I gotta get rid of that and reconnect with God again. Hard core.
I want to enjoy my last bit of summer to the fullest.
Jeez I just love summer.
I love everything that it brings with it, no matter what.

New York Song

I have come to the conclusion that when you're a teenager everything feels like it's the end of the world. I know it's definitely not. It just feels like it is. I bet this how everyone else feels all the time... that would really stink.
Lordy. It feels like 7, not 4. I don't know how I'm going to fill the rest of my day...
Maybe I'll go get a movie or something. I'm just stuck in this funk and I want something to do I guess.

Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year

Another almost-month under my belt.

What a slacker.

Since July 19th I have successfully:

-Completed a full tech week

-First weekend of West Side

-Party hardy

-Judson day camp

-Second weekend of West Side including more partying

-Memphis

-Erica!

-Jenn's sleepover

-Six flags

-Mayday Parade/Metro Station concert w/ kat, lo, and er

-Lo's going away party

-Packed a TON

-Saw 500 days of summer

what an excellent excellent month.

Lordy, I have so much to talk about. I may have to come back and say more later.

I was waiting outside of the hospital the other day for mom and I was thinking about negativity. Sunday night at Lo's I said something about disliking somebody and Jamie goes "do you still like ANYBODY anymore?" and that really stuck with me. I don't know where this new found negativity has been coming from, but I really don't care for it. It's not that I all of a sudden hate everything... I just have grown to dislike certain people. Maybe it's because I feel I know their bad parts now. Or that I judged the prematurely. Maybe I'm bitter about certain friendships. Or that I've become kind of distanced from God. Whatever it is, this has to stop. I didn't really care for being the nice girl, but in the long run is it such a bad thing? What could be bad about being a nice person? I wish that I still loved everyone. I'm going to try and work on it. Giving people second and third chances. It's important that to me not to be judgemental, what right do I have to label or condemn anyone else? I am far less perfect.

Confidence. Belief in one's own abilities. Atleast that's what thefreedictionary.com says confidence is. On my mind lately though, when does confidence become cockiness? Is it possible to be humble AND confident? I talked with Mike a bit about this just now. I'm always curious about his opinion because I like the way he thinks. Anyways he kind of put my feelings into words. Cockiness is pride in oneself and confidence is quiet. And then he gave me this AWESOME quote. "Humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." -- C.S. Lewis. Which pretty much answers all of my questions on the subject. We are beautifully and wonderfully made, so how could loving and believing in one's self be bad? I guess it is not. Something to think about..
We're moving for reals! I feel like I've talked this to death without ever feeling better or worse about it. But it's an important update in my life. And since that's kind of what this is about... Yup. Moving. Don't know where. End of the month. Mixed feelings.

I talked to Uncle Bobby and Aunt DeeDee separately for almost an hour each. It was so nice. I just love them.

I'm a SENIOR in highschool. I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

What side?

OoOoOoOoOps... It's almost been a month.
I don't even remember what I wrote last.
...I just read it. I write like Kaitlyn talks. Except I say weird things... haha.
I had my birthday!
I'm 17 now!
yayayay! If you know me at all, you know that I love my birthday. It's not that I love people celebrating me or anything... I just really enjoy birthdays. Except Kat and Rachael both forgot my birthday. Which was kind of dissappointing.
Tomorrow starts tech week for westside!
I think I'm making friends, which I think is really cool.
But I've also been feeling lately like I've lost alot of friends.
I'm incapable of maintaining relationships.
lets see... Well no wonder I haven't updated this... I have nothing to say really.
I've worked more camps.
I haven't gone to ANY concerts.
I love Erica. And I'm supposed to make her shoes.
Diane Birch is incredible.

Things change so fast.

On bestfriends:
"I think it's when you can be totally transparant and your friend wont ignore or turn on you no matter what mood your in- fun or boring."
"That's how I feel about it and how I'd like to be able to act. I think that's the kind of friend Jesus would be."
-Mike Egler

Mike Egler is headed in a beautiful direction I think. He just is. It's that simple. He is intensely himself in a nonrebellious way that makes him shine and those around him feel his heart. He strives to be like Jesus without expecting any recognition. I think that's a very powerful thing.
He's a cool person.

My eyeliner is flaking off... But I don't really mind. I went to Cabaret tonight for GreenRoom, and it was really good. So that's that update. Lately... I've been really against going home. I don't really know why. Actually I do. My house isn't a positive place to be right now. Tonight I drove around for a while listening to music instead of going home just because I wasn't prepared to deal with it yet. It's not that it's so bad... It's just not the same any more.
I'm hoping this will be a really great week for me though!
Tomorrow: Church. Rachael?
Monday: day camp.
Tuesday: day camp. Hang out with Brianna, Katie, and Kaitlyn.
Wednesday: day camp. Rehersal.
Thursday: day camp. Hang out with Lauren Stengel!
Friday: day camp. Classic Crime concert downtown?
I know that will probably change alot... but the way it stands I really have high hopes for it.


I love the song Close Your Eyes by Dave Barnes.

Smooooth

Anyways, the weather is nice now.

This morning there was a tornado warning, so I had to go sleep downstairs.
as a result, I somehow slept until noon.
Which is okay I guess because I don't really have anything else to do, but I can't help feeling like a slept a big part of my day away. I don't care for that.
I have rehersal tonight!
I hope it keeps being fun, because it's starting to feel like a family, and I love that.
I think it would be really cool to have something like that this summer.
I helped out at water day for middle school camp on Wednesday, which was very fun.
for most of the time it was just me, Kat, and Eric. And then Rachael came which was nice.
And then mrs. kennedy and the kids came by to help with mrs. Lang. Mrs. Lang! She's a very cool lady.
I loved filling up water balloons until my fingers turned red and getting soaked and soapy and muddy and cut up on the slip 'n slide.
I love water day.
It really made me wish I was going to camp, but I understand that that's not what's meant for me this year. Hopefully I can go help out with water day again for hs camp.
Then the week after I'm working day camp. YEAH!
I have high hopes for this summer.

900 songs.

Welp. We're moving!
Our house is being foreclosed on.
I'm okay with it, I've thought everything out with myself.
But I had to tell SOMEONE.
I told Kat.
But I can't just tell everyone conversationally, you know? "Hey I'm really hungry for mashed potatoes, and by the way my family's losing our house."
So I'll just let it go for now.

I love music.

Who's in?

[editted on 1/20/10]
I've been thinking about relationships alot lately.
On my left hand I really want a boy.
But I know on my right hand (the hand of reason?) I know that I need to learn self control before I go into a relationship. Because I know deep down.... that once I start, I'll have a hard time stopping.(boundaries have never been my strong suit) Ultimately I know God will put the people into my life that he wants to be there, when he wants them there, however I am starting to get impatient. Which is weird kind of. Because I am super single girl usually. I love independence and freedom of all kinds to do what I want when I want to... like I said before, I love to have a good time. But lately? Not so much.
I would like to be protected, and have a person for my own. I'll wait. And I'll try and learn while waiting. But sooner is better than later. You know?

Yeah I guess those are the two biggest things on my mind right now.
I'm trying to make more new friends!
I downloaded 19+ hours of new music yesterday. I think that's really cool.

God never ends anything on a negative; God always ends on a positive.

So I didn't get in.
Which really hurts at the moment.
I'm an alternate, which is bittersweet because it means I'm good. But not good enough.
Oh well. I should get the frick over it.
I know that there must be bigger and better plans for my summer.
Or so I keep hearing.
But for reals, I'm grateful for being called back and cast as alternate, I'm just frustrated.
I wonder what I will do this summer...
*Camp?
*Concerts? warped... ignite chicago... this providence.... jason mraz... pitchfork... taste...
*Double Decker?
*Into the woods?
*Memphis?
*Six flags?
*Shows?
*ERICA?.... She's intown... will I ever get to see her?

I sure hope I have a fun time... I just don't know what to do.
I've always hated being left out, I handled it so badly. When I was younger I would conform, and now I just go into my shell and get upset. I definitely don't want either of those to happen.
Only time will tell, my fine freckled friend.
OH, when I was at the movies today with Matt the guy working the register had the nicest freckles. I think they're cute on everyone but me.
UP was so so good. It was sad but so great, pixar has a handle on my soul.