Due to an extended absence...

I probably have alot to say. But you know... It's been a long while now and so most has faded away. So I'll just bring it up whenever applicable I think.
So far, this has been a great winter break. Really. It's just been so full of fun and friends and needed and unexpected experiences. I hope it continues like this... because that would just be a fantastic way to start 2010.

Sometimes. It is all to much.

consistency is not the name of anything.

I give up on writing regualrly in favor of only writing when I have something to say.
I've really been struggling lately with two things.
One is definitely college/future endeavors. It's so difficult. I trust God to put me where he wants me to be... but. I know that I'm not supposed to just sit around and wait for him to put my future in my lap. I want to chose the right path. But there's so many options that I'm not sure what that path is.
Also, and almost more importantly for me, I've really been thinking about my faith and my life as an active Christian. I've been reading this book called the irresistible revolution and it has pretty much changed the way I think. It suggests living totally and completely for God and giving parts of myself that I've never thought to give seriously before. It's throwing me for a loop. What about the things that I like that might not be God honoring? Like rap music? Clothes and makeup? Innapropriate jokes?
Do I just abandon those things? Quit them cold turkey in an effort to live like Jesus lived? What if that makes me unhappy? If it does can I fully live like Jesus? I don't quite know the answers actually. None of those are rhetorical. My mission right now is to figure this out.
And to express how much I really love music. It burns in my soul, but so far I've refused to let it boil over.
And to get a webcam so that I can finally talk to Erica.
And to start thinking straight.
And to get a keyboard.

Give me that line again...

Listening to: I'd rather go blind, Etta James
It's so nice and rainy today. Sometimes that's deffinitely a good thing I think, not always, but it's fall now so it's delicious.
Listening to: Stacey's Mom, Fountains of Wayne
I just felt like writing today I suppose. Grace was quite fun yesterday. I barely had any classes because it was picture day, and it was just a really nice time in general. I got to talk to Erica for a bit, which I always enjoy. She's great.
There's a concert on Tuesday! Relient K. I really really want to go. Badly.
I feel my creativ juices returning to me finally. I always know because everything I see looks like art or potential art. It's a beautiful thing to see the world that way.
Listening to: Beating heart baby, Head Automatica
Really though, it's so cool when everything is an inspiration. Its sort of frusterating sometimes, because I don't know where to start, but it's never a bad thing. And it makes me a happier person in general. Which I definitely have been lately.
I forgot how it felt to be so positive about things. It's wonderful. I feel awful that I let that slip away from me, like I wasted time almost.
Listening to: Near to you, A Fine Frenzy
Jamie burnt me a copy of RK's new cd and brought it to me yesterday. It was okay, a little dissapointing, but there were a couple realy good tracks on it.
I'm steadily becoming okay with being alone so much, which is bittersweet.
Upside of this move = Me and mom are closer than ever. She's one of my best friends.
Maybe that's lame... But I enjoy the situation.
I'm working for CYT now!
haha... just can't get enough.
I'm doing their CYT at school program with Rachael, Alise, and Lauren Wednesdays. It's seems really fun so far, the kids are a handful, but... when are they not? I'm really excited for the rest of the semester with them.
Listening to: Oh Momma, Justin Nozuka

The way I ayum.

currently listening to: sea of love (cat power) cover.

I think I'm getting old and young at the same time. Like Benjamin Button, except for not really. Mentally for me. I seem to be forgetting things alot... I hope this isn't the result of some brain malfunction.
I am... nervous.. to stay the least about college/gap year/esthetician school/general future. It would be awesome if somebody just told me whether I'm choosing the right path or doing the right thing. Or how to prepare. That would be cool too. I just... don't want to mess up my future because I didn't know something I should've been doing. Ultimately I have faith that I will end up in the correct place eventually I guess. I will just have to to trust God through all of this. obviously. As if I could live through what I've gone through without doing so.
I refuse to talk about my romantic endeavors here. This is a sacred arena. But there is someone.
Unfortunately. It's just awful for my state of mind. I'm nowhere near mature enough for this.
This has been a strange year... with everything going on and all.
Oh that reminds me!
I slept over at Rachael's monday night after project dance and we were talking about... well alot of things really... but one particular thing she said stuck to me. We were talking of sensitive things and she said "can't they just let me be upset and frusterated? Who says I want them to solve all of my problems?"
This is so true. I really don't even have to say much more. But to be clear, when I have an issue with myself.... I don't really expect people to solve it just because I'm vocal about it. Sometimes. I just need to air my feelings in order to heal them... That really helps me.
I have had a serious passion for music lately. I just go bananas for it. and singing. mmmm.

Come undone

Itunes still doesn't work... Incase you were wondering. haha.
I've been deprived of downloading illegally and having it sync for my conveniance. Pitty poor me.
I went to rehersal for the hobbit yesterday. It was a totally new experience. I took the train to arlington heights both ways, which was really really cool. I will probably always like trains. Or atleast until I have to ride them so much that I don't appreciate them. I just enjoy them so much, and I feel so grown up riding them. Especially by myself. I didn't actually have much to do at rehersal, but it was still nice to get away from my normal area and friends and go visit.
I probably haven't updated this because... well.. I haven't actually been doing all that much. School. Watching movies and TV. Heritage fest. Oliver auditions. Hanging out with my mom. Doing more school. Seeing fame with matt. School again. Still unpacking. That's pretty much it...
And yes I realize it's not terribly interesting or active.
I kind of wish it was, but it's not, so that's okay too.
I miss some of my friends. I don't miss some of them.
I'm connecting with the outside world via technology. That's actually NOT okay with me.
I need to get on to the college business that I've been slacking on.
No matter what happens as far as attendance, I should probably not leave it until the last minute. That's enough of that stomach churning talk.
I've been listening to so much music lately. It's very healthy. It would be really cool if I could share it more though. It's like keeping secrets.
God has had a huge presence in my life the past 2 weeks.
Things just keep being said, or done, or presented to me, teaching me about Him and proving to me how real he is. It's almost to much for me to handle. I can barely wrap my mind around His greatness and power. But.. it's just so phenomenal. It's like I found something that's been lost for so long in a jacket I was about to throw away. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by strong Christians like I am.
Sometimes I suppose I feel like they're a huge struggle for me to be around, because I itch to rebel, but really... They're my supports and without them I would undoubtedly fall. Sometimes I think about how I wont have stories to tell my kids when I'm older... but I think maybe I still will. They wont be the same kind my dad had, but they'll be something better to aspire to. I hope. When I think of how much life I have in front of me yet to be lived, I can barely breathe. I hope that I get to enjoy it for a good long time. I'm afraid to die young. I don't pretend otherwise.
Katie has been in Mexico for 6 weeks now, and she really seems to be enjoying it. It was hard for her at first I know, but... I really think this will be one of the coolest things she'll ever do. I hope to have an oppertunity like that sometime.
I'm in Project Dance! Killa' Killa'. I love it so far. I'm really glad I decided to do it.

My shortest but most true update: I've been really stuggling lately.

I hope for something new to happen soon. A good thing.

Mitchel Musso's a tool!
haha.

Sicko

This will be really short.

Itunes is killing me. Maybe.
Actually, it's not, but I have a cold so it feels like the end of the world.
Went to the fray with Kaitlyn on Sunday. Which was incredibly cool. It was last minute, but I'm so glad I went. Started school back last Thursday. Yuck. Moved Sept. 1st.
We live in Crystal Lake now, by the beach, and Bob is the land lord! That's an update I guess.
All is well.
It seems like the calm after the storm.

I think I'm to frusterated for this..

Matthew 5:16

I'm just so exhausted.
I'm excited for school and not excited for school all at the same time.
Actually I feel alot of stress around me right now.
I gotta get rid of that and reconnect with God again. Hard core.
I want to enjoy my last bit of summer to the fullest.
Jeez I just love summer.
I love everything that it brings with it, no matter what.

New York Song

I have come to the conclusion that when you're a teenager everything feels like it's the end of the world. I know it's definitely not. It just feels like it is. I bet this how everyone else feels all the time... that would really stink.
Lordy. It feels like 7, not 4. I don't know how I'm going to fill the rest of my day...
Maybe I'll go get a movie or something. I'm just stuck in this funk and I want something to do I guess.

Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year

Another almost-month under my belt.

What a slacker.

Since July 19th I have successfully:

-Completed a full tech week

-First weekend of West Side

-Party hardy

-Judson day camp

-Second weekend of West Side including more partying

-Memphis

-Erica!

-Jenn's sleepover

-Six flags

-Mayday Parade/Metro Station concert w/ kat, lo, and er

-Lo's going away party

-Packed a TON

-Saw 500 days of summer

what an excellent excellent month.

Lordy, I have so much to talk about. I may have to come back and say more later.

I was waiting outside of the hospital the other day for mom and I was thinking about negativity. Sunday night at Lo's I said something about disliking somebody and Jamie goes "do you still like ANYBODY anymore?" and that really stuck with me. I don't know where this new found negativity has been coming from, but I really don't care for it. It's not that I all of a sudden hate everything... I just have grown to dislike certain people. Maybe it's because I feel I know their bad parts now. Or that I judged the prematurely. Maybe I'm bitter about certain friendships. Or that I've become kind of distanced from God. Whatever it is, this has to stop. I didn't really care for being the nice girl, but in the long run is it such a bad thing? What could be bad about being a nice person? I wish that I still loved everyone. I'm going to try and work on it. Giving people second and third chances. It's important that to me not to be judgemental, what right do I have to label or condemn anyone else? I am far less perfect.

Confidence. Belief in one's own abilities. Atleast that's what thefreedictionary.com says confidence is. On my mind lately though, when does confidence become cockiness? Is it possible to be humble AND confident? I talked with Mike a bit about this just now. I'm always curious about his opinion because I like the way he thinks. Anyways he kind of put my feelings into words. Cockiness is pride in oneself and confidence is quiet. And then he gave me this AWESOME quote. "Humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." -- C.S. Lewis. Which pretty much answers all of my questions on the subject. We are beautifully and wonderfully made, so how could loving and believing in one's self be bad? I guess it is not. Something to think about..
We're moving for reals! I feel like I've talked this to death without ever feeling better or worse about it. But it's an important update in my life. And since that's kind of what this is about... Yup. Moving. Don't know where. End of the month. Mixed feelings.

I talked to Uncle Bobby and Aunt DeeDee separately for almost an hour each. It was so nice. I just love them.

I'm a SENIOR in highschool. I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

What side?

OoOoOoOoOps... It's almost been a month.
I don't even remember what I wrote last.
...I just read it. I write like Kaitlyn talks. Except I say weird things... haha.
I had my birthday!
I'm 17 now!
yayayay! If you know me at all, you know that I love my birthday. It's not that I love people celebrating me or anything... I just really enjoy birthdays. Except Kat and Rachael both forgot my birthday. Which was kind of dissappointing.
Tomorrow starts tech week for westside!
I think I'm making friends, which I think is really cool.
But I've also been feeling lately like I've lost alot of friends.
I'm incapable of maintaining relationships.
lets see... Well no wonder I haven't updated this... I have nothing to say really.
I've worked more camps.
I haven't gone to ANY concerts.
I love Erica. And I'm supposed to make her shoes.
Diane Birch is incredible.

Things change so fast.

On bestfriends:
"I think it's when you can be totally transparant and your friend wont ignore or turn on you no matter what mood your in- fun or boring."
"That's how I feel about it and how I'd like to be able to act. I think that's the kind of friend Jesus would be."
-Mike Egler

Mike Egler is headed in a beautiful direction I think. He just is. It's that simple. He is intensely himself in a nonrebellious way that makes him shine and those around him feel his heart. He strives to be like Jesus without expecting any recognition. I think that's a very powerful thing.
He's a cool person.

My eyeliner is flaking off... But I don't really mind. I went to Cabaret tonight for GreenRoom, and it was really good. So that's that update. Lately... I've been really against going home. I don't really know why. Actually I do. My house isn't a positive place to be right now. Tonight I drove around for a while listening to music instead of going home just because I wasn't prepared to deal with it yet. It's not that it's so bad... It's just not the same any more.
I'm hoping this will be a really great week for me though!
Tomorrow: Church. Rachael?
Monday: day camp.
Tuesday: day camp. Hang out with Brianna, Katie, and Kaitlyn.
Wednesday: day camp. Rehersal.
Thursday: day camp. Hang out with Lauren Stengel!
Friday: day camp. Classic Crime concert downtown?
I know that will probably change alot... but the way it stands I really have high hopes for it.


I love the song Close Your Eyes by Dave Barnes.

Smooooth

Anyways, the weather is nice now.

This morning there was a tornado warning, so I had to go sleep downstairs.
as a result, I somehow slept until noon.
Which is okay I guess because I don't really have anything else to do, but I can't help feeling like a slept a big part of my day away. I don't care for that.
I have rehersal tonight!
I hope it keeps being fun, because it's starting to feel like a family, and I love that.
I think it would be really cool to have something like that this summer.
I helped out at water day for middle school camp on Wednesday, which was very fun.
for most of the time it was just me, Kat, and Eric. And then Rachael came which was nice.
And then mrs. kennedy and the kids came by to help with mrs. Lang. Mrs. Lang! She's a very cool lady.
I loved filling up water balloons until my fingers turned red and getting soaked and soapy and muddy and cut up on the slip 'n slide.
I love water day.
It really made me wish I was going to camp, but I understand that that's not what's meant for me this year. Hopefully I can go help out with water day again for hs camp.
Then the week after I'm working day camp. YEAH!
I have high hopes for this summer.

900 songs.

Welp. We're moving!
Our house is being foreclosed on.
I'm okay with it, I've thought everything out with myself.
But I had to tell SOMEONE.
I told Kat.
But I can't just tell everyone conversationally, you know? "Hey I'm really hungry for mashed potatoes, and by the way my family's losing our house."
So I'll just let it go for now.

I love music.

Oh Alixx

And we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them, and we help them in return.

Who's in?

[editted on 1/20/10]
I've been thinking about relationships alot lately.
On my left hand I really want a boy.
But I know on my right hand (the hand of reason?) I know that I need to learn self control before I go into a relationship. Because I know deep down.... that once I start, I'll have a hard time stopping.(boundaries have never been my strong suit) Ultimately I know God will put the people into my life that he wants to be there, when he wants them there, however I am starting to get impatient. Which is weird kind of. Because I am super single girl usually. I love independence and freedom of all kinds to do what I want when I want to... like I said before, I love to have a good time. But lately? Not so much.
I would like to be protected, and have a person for my own. I'll wait. And I'll try and learn while waiting. But sooner is better than later. You know?

Yeah I guess those are the two biggest things on my mind right now.
I'm trying to make more new friends!
I downloaded 19+ hours of new music yesterday. I think that's really cool.

God never ends anything on a negative; God always ends on a positive.

So I didn't get in.
Which really hurts at the moment.
I'm an alternate, which is bittersweet because it means I'm good. But not good enough.
Oh well. I should get the frick over it.
I know that there must be bigger and better plans for my summer.
Or so I keep hearing.
But for reals, I'm grateful for being called back and cast as alternate, I'm just frustrated.
I wonder what I will do this summer...
*Camp?
*Concerts? warped... ignite chicago... this providence.... jason mraz... pitchfork... taste...
*Double Decker?
*Into the woods?
*Memphis?
*Six flags?
*Shows?
*ERICA?.... She's intown... will I ever get to see her?

I sure hope I have a fun time... I just don't know what to do.
I've always hated being left out, I handled it so badly. When I was younger I would conform, and now I just go into my shell and get upset. I definitely don't want either of those to happen.
Only time will tell, my fine freckled friend.
OH, when I was at the movies today with Matt the guy working the register had the nicest freckles. I think they're cute on everyone but me.
UP was so so good. It was sad but so great, pixar has a handle on my soul.

This doesn't really add anything

I have more to say.
SURPRISE.
I really miss being in shows with Rachael.
And Matt.
They like to organize things.
And I don't.
So it's just really nice when they're like "okay everyone we're going HERE."
It makes my life a heck of alot easier.

Oh... I guess that was all.

Long time coming

Well... it's certainly been long enough.
Readers digest version:
I finished Joseph on a good note. It was a good show for me, I really enjoyed myself.
Ummm. Grace and HHSW are over for the year, God willing I won't have to go back to Heartland again. Jacobs is still going strong until the 17th.
I have ACT's the 13th... which I'm really nervous for. But Kat's birthday party is that night, so that will be fun.
I tried out for West Side Story, last night. I wish I would get in... but I kind of have a feeling I wont... It will burn. But I know I'll ultimately be okay.
It's just really embarassing to not get into something that all of your friends do.
It's really all in God's hands though... And I know this.
I'm waiting for callbacks ro come up right now and listening to Oliver James. He was in what a girl wants... He has a nice nostalgic voice. h
I might go to Camp.
I might do into the woods.
There's so many great concerts.
This summer has so much potential. I really hope it'll be fun. As fun as last summer was.
GAH. WANT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
I love to party.

Happy happy birthday

Today was Jamie's BIRTHDAY.
Partay was very fun and nice.
I did NOT feel lonely!


I just wanted to remind myself of that, because I know it possibly won't last.
But it can happen.

Insubstancial for the most part

I watched Speak last night like I said I was going to, and I still love it.
In a really weird 'I relate to this movie more than anyone should have to' sort of way.
But that's another story.

I just tonight found Cut Off Your Hands. And I like them so far.

I didn't do much today, I just watched movies, read magazines, and did school things. Incase you were wondering...
I also cleaned my room, including putting away laundry that had been sitting around, which really needed to be done. So that's cool. Hopefully I will be able to start thinking better in there now.
I wrote thinking but I meant to write sleeping. I didn't correct it though because it also applies.

I watched half of Milk today with Bobby, and it was really cool to see how open minded he is. He has so much potential if he can manage to keep his soul. I didn't get to finish watching the movie, but what I saw of it was really slay.

I go back to Grace and Heartland this week, so all that will be officially going on again.
I'm really stressing that I can't practice my dancing for Joseph for some reason.
There's just not really enough room in my house...
This was like update central wasn't it?

GUESS WHAT?
I don't have Jacobs tomorrow.
yeahya.
I think that's really cool.

Sam gave me a cool compliment yesterday. She told me that she liked my observations, like how Sarah could sneeze and play the piano at the same time. I just thought that was really nice of her. We have an interesting relationship. I can't really tell if we are good friends. Or even good for eachother in general.
I guess that is TBA. To be announced.
At a later date.

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you." -Elbert Hubbard
I think that is very relevant.
And true.

One time, I rolled down a hill

I want to have a play date tomorrow.
With someone who I really love and miss.
And we wont talk about CYT.
haha.
story time.
So I was hanging out with Rachael the other day and we were talking about my friendships. I know... I'm so cool. not. Anywhichway, we were talking about some issues that I've been having lately and she goes "Wow. You are just having a really awful friend year so far." And then I realized two things:
1) I have never had issues like this before.
2) She is so right.
This has, hands down, been the most difficult year of friendship for me ever.
And then I remember that I have I always have two hands.
On one hand, it's super stressful to have so much chaos in my personal life. Not to mention it's so difficult to have it happen in the midst of all the decisions begging to be made right now.
But on my OTHER hand, I realize that this is all happening for a reason. I'm unsure of what it is right now, but God has his plan. I am excited to see what he has instore for me in the future friendship wise. I can feel him preparing me for something.
Still, I can't go without saying that I am kind of losing my friends. Sadly. I don't know if I'm supposed to, but I deffinitely am. I guess that I will have to trust that if they are meant to be in my life, then they will be. And if they aren't, then there's really not much I can do to change that. There are hands larger than mine shaping my future.
Thank goodness for that.

Speaking of futures... WHAT THE HECK SOUL.
And decision making abilities.
And school prospects.
haha.
How difficult it all is.
I just want to make sure that I can adventure as much as possible.
And sing.
And speak spanish.
And love.
And shine.
And eat when I'm hungry, not because I have nothing better to do.
And learn from others.
And stay positive as a grown up.
I would like to make a good and strong decision about college and CYT.
That's right, I just brought CYT into this. Do you know why?
Because it is such a huge part of my life. I can't just throw it out the window. It's where I met so many of my best friends. It's where I grew up. It's where I grew into myself and my voice. I loved, cried, hurt, and got naked with CYT. It is a huge part of me as a person, whether I like it or not. It will make me so upset to be gone from it, I almost don't know if I can bear to be gone for good.
That sounds so dramatic. haha.
I really mean it though.

This helped me today.
So that's pretty sweet.
I think I'll go watch speak since I don't have to work tomorrow.
Which means I have all day to do school.
YEAH.
OH, also, I am getting a very different haircut on wednesday I think.
I'm nervous about it actually. Because I don't know what she's going to do to me.
But I'm also excited to be different than the others.
I don't want to end like that. It seems like I'm trying to be profound or something, which I'm not. I'm just telling it like it is yo.

ba ba ba ba baaah. I'm kyla.
haha.
that's a little better.

What's update?

well... I now have some new music on my mp3 player.
fun.
I am closer friends with some.
nice.
I am not as good of friends with some.
unsure of how I feel about this yet.
I'm enjoying the dancing in Joseph.
thank you Jesus.
Spring Break right now from Grace and HHSW.
YEAH.
I'm still disliking spanish at Jacobs, and am hoping to leave as soon as I can.
Quoting Kaitlyn, I feel like when my body walks through the doors of the school, my mind and soul are left behind. So true.
Hmmm.
I've been able to get back into my arts a little bit lately. So that's awesome.
Exciting.
Time to get intricate and philosophical yo.

As part of a generation with relatively loose morals, we sure don't act with much freedom. We're easy but not loving. We are a community filled with sluts. Maybe things are getting too casual, we've become numb trying to always achieve maximum feeling. How can this be remedied? Well I don't know how to solve the problems of a nation, but I personally will try to be as genuine as possible. I really think that that will help.
I believe that i am meant to leave my handprint on this world.
I don't... really know how yet. But I will do it.
I know I've said things before about the glowing, but I confess that I lost mine for a while. I think it's finally returning, and hopefully bringing a beautiful spring with it.
I want to be shiny now.

Having just been hit with a wave of exhaustion and lack of original thought, I should probably be on my way to bed.
I am a sleepy bug.

Sickly update

I am so sick.
I dare say that this is the most miserable cold I've ever had.
ever.



... I just thought I would socument that.
I think every day is getting weirder for me. I'm slowly becoming okay with this. This minor infection of teenage drama. I knew it would happen eventually.
I'll just stay chill.
I have to go back to Jacobs on monday. BOOOOOO. I will be so glad to get out of there.
Likin' John Green books.
Missing Jamie and Er.
Especially Erica.
Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Rehersals are okay.
Amanda Spenner is cool, I like working with her.
Well isn't this just update city.
What else... what else.
Murder she wrote, being sick, slacking on pretty much everything, waiting for the warm weather.
It keeps PRECIPITATING.
Enough already.


well.... I guess that's it.
Adios amigo.

True Colors.

Are... all of these about friendship?
HOW LAME.
"you're lame"
shrek 3 WHAT?

Anyways.
I have two friends.
(shocking, haha.)
Anyways, their relationship used to be very confusing to me. One of them was very hurt by the other, because he kind of just dumped him from best friend-dom without any explanation.
I thought that this was so mean and I couldn't understand it at all.
Until now.
I'm really growing away from my best friend.
I'm not doing it on purpose, but I've recently realized that we aren't true friends.
We talk and all. We talk alot actually.
But she doesn't know me. I know everything about her. But when I'm upset she doesn't notice or when I don't mean something she doesn't realize it. Being together as much as we are I don't understand it, and then I realize, we have no substance.
I don't talk to her when I have problems, maybe that's my fault.
I don't know.
I'm learning who my true friends are, not because I've been stabbed in the back or had friend mamadramalama but becauseI'm finally figuring out who is there for me when I need to chill.

Now I should go do the school I put off all day while I was at Tlapeks.
I'm in Joseph now, I'm a dancer again.
I'm going to try really hard.

Blessings

I am youth.

I don't really have anything to say, I just didn't want this to lag.
+ I'm trying to kill time before I can shower at 2...
For dress rehersal. Which I will probably sit alone at again.
For the better I guess.
Is this what it will be like from now on? By myself now that I can see everyone's true colors? I don't mind, I'd just like too know.

I have a HUGE butt.
haha.
I saw it in the makeup mirror last night and I was like "WHOA"
Just letting you know.
Incase you were wondering, you inatimate object you.

I am going to work so hard to make this show good. Great.
You just wait.

the beginning of madness

yiggity yo yo yo.

I'm working on my Joseph audition now.... It feels like petah pan auditions were just like 2 weeks ago, but it's going to be such a crazy 2 weeks I HAVE to get it started now....
I really want to sing climbing uphill from the last 5 years... I'm not really sure how it will sound though...

I'm a lamey and am going to share with you what my next few weeks is looking like... as of right now.

Wednesday(tomorrow): HYPE showcase worship rehersal
Thurs.: Jacobs, Grace, Work, Play on
Fri.: HHSW, Rehersal
Sat.: Rehersal, Alice
Sun.: SOM
Mon.: Shop for show week supplies, Dress Rehersal
Tues.: Jacobs, Dress
Wed.: Tanning, Dress
Thurs.: Jacobs, Grace, Into the woods
Fri.: HHSW/Cinderella, Opening Night
Sat.: Shows
Sun.: Shows
Mon.: Jacobs, Showcase
Tues.: shows
Wed.: NOTHING thank you Jesus., Jacobs, retanning, Rachels?
Thurs.: Schooldays
Fri.: School days, Shows
Sat.: Shows
Sun.: Closing show for peter pan.
Mon.: Classes start
Tues.: Jacobs, Audition Clinic
Wed.: Auditions for Joseph
Thurs.: Jacobs, Grace, Callbacks
Fri.: First rehersal for joseph.

WHAT? ONE (kind of) FREE DAY IN 3 WEEKS?
I'm blessed to have these oppertunities, but I am going to be so cranky.
God bless you theater children.
Every one.

Iggy and the stooges

Ignorrance bothers me.






enough said.

Nights in Rodanthe/Secret life of bees

I hope that someday I am able to find love that makes me want to be the best that I can be.
I would like someone who I trust
and who makes me laugh
and who I feel safe with.
I guess that I will bide my time alone for now, trusting that God will lead me to my perfect person.

I think you make your own family sometimes.

Oh what a time we'll have

I'm not sure about today at all...
I think I didn't like the evening portion.
9:30-3:30 rehersal
3:30-4:30 home and meltdown
4:30-1:00am McGowans
I was lonely in the true sense of the word. Not like ahhh I have no friends and no life I'm going to become a slut.
Lonely:
a. Without companions; lone.
b. Characterized by aloneness; solitary.
2. Unfrequented by people; desolate: a lonely crossroads.
3. Dejected by the awareness of being alone.

I guess I'm starting to get used to that though.

This didn't really have a point.
I just need a break.
And some friends.
And some sleep.
And to be alone but not lonely.
Which is not how I'm presently feeling... you know, incase you missed that.
And I can't find my cellphone.

Also, my vocabulary has really been bothering me.
I don't like saying "oh my life" or "ef my life" or "what is happening to my life"
I'm blessed to have life at all.
I moght need something to remind me of that.
Hopefully it doesn't hurt me.

I'll show you mine, if you show me yours first.

First of all, can I just say that I totally called thursday being a weird day? It was good weird, but weird none the less. I ended up seeing Jersey boys. Which was very good.

Now to get down to business. I am loving the song swing life away by rise against. So great.
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours first. Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse."
Things have happened to me.
But things have happened to everybody.
What should this mean to my friendships? I have what alot of people would consider major issues in my past, but I don't walk around advertising them and blaming my faults and problems on them. So how do I know if I should tell people? Is it really important? The thing is, if people dont know these things about me can they ever really know the real me? Or what makes me tick? Don't you have to know about influencial things inorder to really know someone?

"I've got some friends, some that I hardly know. But we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world."
I have friends. I have friends that I talk to once a month and friends that I talk to almost everyday. How are best friends determined? Is it a mutual decision? Do you have to be somebody's best friend in order for them to really be yours? Traveling back to the last paragraph, do your best friends have to know everything about you? If the answers to those two questions is yes... then I have no best friends, and that is really sad to me. Can I help it that when it comes to huge things life bestfriendom I'm very shy and personal? I love the memories that I have with my friends, but so many of my realtionships have fallen away and I don't understand why. Am I bad at building and sustaining relationships? I guess the only way I'll ever know is if somebody calls me out on it. Which will hurt me. I'm not a fighter by nature.

I don't really get angry in public. I know and love alot of dramatic people. People who get upset and shut down or yell in public, I'm not really one of them though. I don't know how or why I came to this subconcious realization, but what good does it do to get upset over little things? Why would somebody get upset about something minor when there are so many larger problems in the world? I think that anger and holding grudges waste time. Time is so valueable to me. Everymoment is a huge blessing and I should hope that most people do not spend those moments angry.

I wish that people think me as a friendly person. I don't ever want to be seen as intimidating or impersonal. I was shut out for so long and it really impressed on me to never be like the people who did it to me. Woooooow. Did that make me sound like a whiny person or whizzzat?
I basically don't want to be a crazy selfish loon.
I want to be christlike to others.
I want to shine.

Well that's enough for today. I have spanish again tomorrow. I am really ready to be done with public school. FUN thing: tuesday is supposed to be like 60 degrees. I am so excited. I am ready for this season to be over I think. I've learned my lesson from winter and I need the breath of fresh air that spring brings. Plus, I'm SO excited to not have to wear longsleeves, leggings, sweatshirts, and tights under everything. You don't even know. Unless you know how much I don't like being clothed.

laaaaata homeskillet.

p.s. I'm finally going to 'put labels' in one of these. Whatever that means...

Oh dear sweet tiny baby Jesus it has been a w'h'ile.

Unintentional ofcourse.
I can count on two hands and two feet the amount of times I have meant to write something I was thinking about. I never have been very good with follow through though.
So my hair is in a ponytail today. Feelin' kinda interesting.
Not really myself.
Maybe it is because I am sick with croup/whooping cough/mononucleosis/VD/being deaf.... Maybe nay.
I like Missy Higgins right now, my musical tastes are changing. I also am feeling Taylor Swift(I'm shocked as well), Michael Buble(I never thought...), Erin McKeown, Sara Bareilles, Noah & the Whale, and Steely Dan(I am having father troubles you see, and this reminds me of the good 'ol days).
Actually, all of me is changing. I can actually feel a complete overhaul happening on my insides.
God is good. I have been getting tired of being the same. I feel passion to create, which is sweet, but I combine this with absoluetly no time. So that is unfortuntate.
Really though. If I could sew my thoughts... I would love my wardrobe.
I am finally recognizing the importance of bible verses.
God has really been showing himself to me and giving me peace through them and they've been seriously helping me in my everyday life.
I have been a terrible friend lately though, which I feel bad about. I am worried I'm going to fall away from the friends that I've been really close with lately. I need to work on that I guess.
I'm taking voice from a new teacher, and my more recent recreational singing in, wait for it, public (you heard right) has lead me even further into my passion for blues and jazz music.
Sometimes I even think I'm not too bad at it.
I learned how to use t9. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet.
I am becoming more fluent in spanish.
I'm still working for chely, but I'm working more often now. I don't like going to work, but I like washing hair and cleaning the salon and mixing things. It makes me want to do makeup like nothing other.
I am growing up. I am terrified about this, really. That is just me being completely honest. I don't want to be an adult because I'm afraid that I will lose a part of my soul. Even though sometimes I feel and enjoy feeling 45, I don't want to actually be it. I want my parents to be responsible for me and I don't want to not be in school and CYT and things that kids and teenagers do. I do not want to have to pay bills and be responsible. I just want to enjoy.

I do want to go to walmart and get some big sweatpants though. And go to goodwill to see if they have anything nice there.
And I do have to go pick up my mom now from work. So I guess I'll take my leave.
I feel unsettled, drat. I have a chemisatan test tomorrow at graceland and it's going to be a weird day. Atleast bones will be on tomorrow night... lame of me to look forward to television.
Adios comrade.