I love my brother.
I've always been very protective over him. When we were little I would "beat up" on him all the time... but the second someone else said something bad about him or tried to push him, they had ME to answer to.
We have a strange relationship now... We're only 2 years apart. But we're treated so differently that it always seems like more. I feel like I'm a second mom to him, which I think sometimes puts a barrier in our relationship... But it's only because I feel responsible for him. I never want him to hurt, or have to go through bad situations.
Bobby may come off as a rough and tumble kid, but he is one of the funniest, most caring, compassionate, and sensitive people I've ever met. He has such a huge heart for people and animals, and his talent for music and art never ceases to amaze me.
Bobby always brought home creatures when we were younger. It was so strange. He never brought home gross things... Just animals. If it was hurt, lost, small, or alone, he wanted it. We constantly had pet caterpillars and lady bugs, and once when it rained he went around collecting all of the worms that had come out in a bucket. That was an interesting smell later on. haha.
I knew even then that if he could keep his soul and heart that gentle and compassionate that he would grow into a great man.
I have faith that my baby brother will be a great husband someday. If he treats his wife anywhere close to how well he treats our mom and I then she will be one lucky lady. He isn't perfect. He's stubborn, sometimes lazy, and he gets angry a little too easy. He can only learn by making his own mistakes. But he's such a passionate and strong guy. I'm confident that once he grows up, gets married, and has kids, that he won't make the mistakes that our dad has made. He will be a great father :) Sometimes I worry about him. He's such an impressionable person and he often makes decisions without thinking about the consequences... But with the right mentors and guidance I really think he will make such a difference.
No one can make me laugh like he can. He cares when I'm hurting. He comes to my shows, even though he doesn't care about theater at all. He will always tell me if an outfit looks bad. He's the only person in my family that I'm comfortable singing in front of. I love to watch TV with him. I love that he will get me something to drink if I ask him. He listens to my stories. He will always come rid my room of spiders, even if it's 3 am and he's sleeping. He re organizes his room when he's bored. He loves our cat, even though it is a super mean cat. He thinks babies are cute. He tells our mom he loves her. He works out too much. He sings when he thinks we can't hear him. He eats more cereal then anyone should.
Sometimes I am not the best sister to him that I could be. I say no when he wants to show me a new song and I'm busy, and I don't drive him places sometimes, but I can't bear the thought of a life without him. He is my rock. My main guy. We fight daily, but I hug him even though he doesn't want to be hugged. I trust him with my life and with my secrets.
I will always love him, no matter what choices he makes, because I know his heart.
I want only the best for him.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Do as God says, not as I did.
You know, I was really struggling during this show as far as reaching out to the younger kids and the girls that I don't really know. Mind you, I didn't really realize that it was a problem for me... But I did realize that that connection was missing. I wouldn't say I've ever been super popular in any of the shows that I've been apart of or anything, but I've always atleast tried to get to know more than just my circle of friends. Not in this show though... I didn't really feel that pull, and I guess I just sort of let it slide. Bad Mary! Bad! Bad! hahaha... Anyways, that really chaged this week for me. I just feel like God opened all of those doors for me all at once. I don't know if everyone in CYT shares my feelings on this, but I truly love the privilege of getting to know my cast. ESPECIALLY the younger girls. I desire in life to be able to be a strong role model for girls, and CYT really allows me to explore that. So cool. Anyways, I just really feel like those doors have been opening. I love some of the bonding that I've been able to do with people who I really didn't have much of a chance (or desire) to talk to at rehersal. Each one of the kids in the cast brings such a unique beauty to the show, I'm really enjoying the opportunity to show them that.
I think it's important to remember that as much as I want to be a positive influence to others, it's really important that I still surround myself with friends who can positively influence me. Iron sharpening iron and so forth. I struggle with that sometimes, and that's when I start to feel like I'm drowning.
Now getting on to the good stuff.
I had a sort of A-ha! moment during worship today at church. There is some backstory to my A-ha! moment that I feel like is really important, so just bear with me! Most people know that just in the last year or so have I really REALLY started paying attention to and growing in my faith. It's been quite the experience! I'm steered right now farther from Christian and more towards Christ follower, and I really could not be more thrilled about it :)
Anywhen. Over last fall I was really struggling with feeling that I was hypocritical. Do as God says, not as I did sounds pretty hypocritical when you're trying to help someone towards the right path... Now details of my poor decisions aren't necessarily well known for the selfish fear of peer judgement and such... But poor decisions have been CERTAINLY been made, worse ones than I would rather, and I do not pretend otherwise. I carried my burden of "hypocracy" with me so heavily last fall. It was a big barrier between me and God, but I was really really struggling to overcome it. It spread to affect my relationships with friends, with my family, and totally with myself and my heart as well.
I was just hanging out with myself recently. Thinking. Pondering. Puzzling out life. Whatever you call it. And something just popped right into my head. God FORGAVE my sins. Jesus DIED for them. And I was DWELLING on them. One of these things is not like the other! What good does it do for my faith to be forgiven if I'm just going to carry my sins around in my back pocket? If God can get past them, why can I not? I will tell you why. Doubt of God's power to forgive.
"Really? Totally forgiven? As in, You won't bring this up when I mess up again God? That's crazy. That doesn't happen." Yes it does. That's what's up, man! God, my Lord and Savior, forgave my past transgressions when I gave my life to him. It was my own fear that I wasn't really forgiven that led me to think that they still would be held against me and were something to be ashamed of. I think I relyed on my doubt as a safety net alot also, because until I could admit that I was forgiven I couldn't really give myself entirely to God. You know what I'm saying? I think that learning from your sins is really important, but there is a big difference between learning from and dwelling on.
All of this build up brings me to my actual point: although God obviously didn't choose for me to sin, He can choose to use it as a tool for Him. He's powerful like that. Learning from, but not dwelling on my past, current, and future sins allows me to be used as a tool within the Body of Christ. I've been there, I've done that, and I was able to come out alive on the otherside with a unique story of salvation. Not saying that I am glad for my sins, but I AM glad that my life before I really felt God can be useful for something. I would hate to feel like I had wasted 17 years. I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to bless others with what I've already learned.
I was talking to Randy Peterkort after church last Sunday, and alot of stuff just started clicking for me as I was talking out some of my spiritual growth with him. He's a cool guy, he became a true Christ follower towards the end of his teenage years, similar to myself.
I have lately been feeling that it's a turned into a blessing that I wasn't raised in a "traditional" Christian home. My mom is a Christian, Bobby goes to church because he has to, and my dad makes fun of religion and mocks Christian anything. I got a neopolitan family I guess! I was blessed growing up to be raised AROUND alot of strong Christian families though, which I feel was of huge benefit to me. Since we don't really talk about faith in our house, I have really had to figure things out for myself. Having strong Christian parents around me, but not raising me, has really allowed me to be free to come to Jesus by choice and not by force. I've seen the way the the world does it, and I've seen the way that Christ followers do it. It wasn't that hard of a choice once I was courageous enough to make it. My faith is my own. And I am here because I want to be, not because it is required of me. Are you following? Sure, it would be easier if I could talk things out with my parents and go to them for advice... But you know what? My mom gives me better advice than anyone I know. And I may not be able to talk with my dad, but I CAN talk with my Father. Lucky me :)
That's what I have for now!
I need to go finally wash off my stage makeup and brush out my crazy hair :) haha.
I think it's important to remember that as much as I want to be a positive influence to others, it's really important that I still surround myself with friends who can positively influence me. Iron sharpening iron and so forth. I struggle with that sometimes, and that's when I start to feel like I'm drowning.
Now getting on to the good stuff.
I had a sort of A-ha! moment during worship today at church. There is some backstory to my A-ha! moment that I feel like is really important, so just bear with me! Most people know that just in the last year or so have I really REALLY started paying attention to and growing in my faith. It's been quite the experience! I'm steered right now farther from Christian and more towards Christ follower, and I really could not be more thrilled about it :)
Anywhen. Over last fall I was really struggling with feeling that I was hypocritical. Do as God says, not as I did sounds pretty hypocritical when you're trying to help someone towards the right path... Now details of my poor decisions aren't necessarily well known for the selfish fear of peer judgement and such... But poor decisions have been CERTAINLY been made, worse ones than I would rather, and I do not pretend otherwise. I carried my burden of "hypocracy" with me so heavily last fall. It was a big barrier between me and God, but I was really really struggling to overcome it. It spread to affect my relationships with friends, with my family, and totally with myself and my heart as well.
I was just hanging out with myself recently. Thinking. Pondering. Puzzling out life. Whatever you call it. And something just popped right into my head. God FORGAVE my sins. Jesus DIED for them. And I was DWELLING on them. One of these things is not like the other! What good does it do for my faith to be forgiven if I'm just going to carry my sins around in my back pocket? If God can get past them, why can I not? I will tell you why. Doubt of God's power to forgive.
"Really? Totally forgiven? As in, You won't bring this up when I mess up again God? That's crazy. That doesn't happen." Yes it does. That's what's up, man! God, my Lord and Savior, forgave my past transgressions when I gave my life to him. It was my own fear that I wasn't really forgiven that led me to think that they still would be held against me and were something to be ashamed of. I think I relyed on my doubt as a safety net alot also, because until I could admit that I was forgiven I couldn't really give myself entirely to God. You know what I'm saying? I think that learning from your sins is really important, but there is a big difference between learning from and dwelling on.
All of this build up brings me to my actual point: although God obviously didn't choose for me to sin, He can choose to use it as a tool for Him. He's powerful like that. Learning from, but not dwelling on my past, current, and future sins allows me to be used as a tool within the Body of Christ. I've been there, I've done that, and I was able to come out alive on the otherside with a unique story of salvation. Not saying that I am glad for my sins, but I AM glad that my life before I really felt God can be useful for something. I would hate to feel like I had wasted 17 years. I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to bless others with what I've already learned.
I was talking to Randy Peterkort after church last Sunday, and alot of stuff just started clicking for me as I was talking out some of my spiritual growth with him. He's a cool guy, he became a true Christ follower towards the end of his teenage years, similar to myself.
I have lately been feeling that it's a turned into a blessing that I wasn't raised in a "traditional" Christian home. My mom is a Christian, Bobby goes to church because he has to, and my dad makes fun of religion and mocks Christian anything. I got a neopolitan family I guess! I was blessed growing up to be raised AROUND alot of strong Christian families though, which I feel was of huge benefit to me. Since we don't really talk about faith in our house, I have really had to figure things out for myself. Having strong Christian parents around me, but not raising me, has really allowed me to be free to come to Jesus by choice and not by force. I've seen the way the the world does it, and I've seen the way that Christ followers do it. It wasn't that hard of a choice once I was courageous enough to make it. My faith is my own. And I am here because I want to be, not because it is required of me. Are you following? Sure, it would be easier if I could talk things out with my parents and go to them for advice... But you know what? My mom gives me better advice than anyone I know. And I may not be able to talk with my dad, but I CAN talk with my Father. Lucky me :)
That's what I have for now!
I need to go finally wash off my stage makeup and brush out my crazy hair :) haha.
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
So wow. This has been quite a doozey of a week, that is for sure! I have so much to say and report about it that I'm going to have to split this up. This post is probably going to be mostly update, and my next one will not! haha. I've been in tech and performance for Little Mermaid all week long, so my schedule has been pretty off... All CYT ALL THE TIME! haha. It's been quite the rollercoaster week.
Thursday was really hard for me. Our first shows went well, but after they were finished I felt myself just really start to crumble. I felt emotionally drained and overloaded at the same time, and I just didn't know how to handle it. My heart was in so much pain. It was probably a combination of little sleep and alot of change, but I was so miserable. I was talking with Jamie and I told him that I really just needed time with my music, God, and some positive friend influence. God provided for me in spades! After some time to recharge on my own on friday morning and afternoon, I headed to opening night. It went very well for only being our third show, and I was OVER THE MOON to see my friend Sam (...cheeseburger...) in the front row. Cast party set the tone for my weekend with free icecream and time with Jamie, my Cheeseyburger, & Alex Hallberg (who was very friendly? What? I know.) after the cast party. On Saturday I woke up with a huuuuuuge smile on my face knowing that I would get to see so many friends that I love/miss/value/allthree! In addition to time with my Hersheys and the cast, Sarah Portz, the Payauys', and Rachael came to our 2 o'clock show, and then I got to drive (and finally catch up!) with Rachel Whiteside to see McHenry's show. At Cinderella I got to see Matt, KAT (I may have cried..), KP, Janey, Tina, some of my favorite parents around, Brinnay, Alixx, Cliff, Nicole, Andrew, Alli, Mark, Kai, and NATALIE! All of those people! I love them all so dearly, and see most of them so rarely. It was so perfect. Not to mention Nat, Jamie, and I finally got our 3 Muskamigos time! I was so joyful when I got home, knowing that Sunday would only bring more friends and lovin'. This brings us to today. :) Worship at Christian Fellowship was so good today. And so needed for me. I love worship, because I feel like sometimes the songs bring forth prayer that I wouldn't have thought of otherwise. It opens the lines of my communication if you will. When I got to Huntley today for call, I could not wipe the smile off my face. I just couldn't. I loved my time with Natalie, Rachel, Shelby, Courtney, Jamie, Dustin, Andrew, Kai, Mark, and Megan after the show, and we even got our 3 Muskamigos REUNION! Twice in one weekend! haha. I feel so recharged. I am so blessed in friendship, even if my times seeing my Gems is rare, it's always worth the wait.
Thursday was really hard for me. Our first shows went well, but after they were finished I felt myself just really start to crumble. I felt emotionally drained and overloaded at the same time, and I just didn't know how to handle it. My heart was in so much pain. It was probably a combination of little sleep and alot of change, but I was so miserable. I was talking with Jamie and I told him that I really just needed time with my music, God, and some positive friend influence. God provided for me in spades! After some time to recharge on my own on friday morning and afternoon, I headed to opening night. It went very well for only being our third show, and I was OVER THE MOON to see my friend Sam (...cheeseburger...) in the front row. Cast party set the tone for my weekend with free icecream and time with Jamie, my Cheeseyburger, & Alex Hallberg (who was very friendly? What? I know.) after the cast party. On Saturday I woke up with a huuuuuuge smile on my face knowing that I would get to see so many friends that I love/miss/value/allthree! In addition to time with my Hersheys and the cast, Sarah Portz, the Payauys', and Rachael came to our 2 o'clock show, and then I got to drive (and finally catch up!) with Rachel Whiteside to see McHenry's show. At Cinderella I got to see Matt, KAT (I may have cried..), KP, Janey, Tina, some of my favorite parents around, Brinnay, Alixx, Cliff, Nicole, Andrew, Alli, Mark, Kai, and NATALIE! All of those people! I love them all so dearly, and see most of them so rarely. It was so perfect. Not to mention Nat, Jamie, and I finally got our 3 Muskamigos time! I was so joyful when I got home, knowing that Sunday would only bring more friends and lovin'. This brings us to today. :) Worship at Christian Fellowship was so good today. And so needed for me. I love worship, because I feel like sometimes the songs bring forth prayer that I wouldn't have thought of otherwise. It opens the lines of my communication if you will. When I got to Huntley today for call, I could not wipe the smile off my face. I just couldn't. I loved my time with Natalie, Rachel, Shelby, Courtney, Jamie, Dustin, Andrew, Kai, Mark, and Megan after the show, and we even got our 3 Muskamigos REUNION! Twice in one weekend! haha. I feel so recharged. I am so blessed in friendship, even if my times seeing my Gems is rare, it's always worth the wait.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Because everybody's changing... Oh wait. I am too.
This time next year:
I will be a CYT graduate.
I will be a HIGHSCHOOL graduate.
I will be in college, whether at MCC (please no...), or out of state in school in CA or TX.
I will have a job.
Erica will finally be back in America somewhere!
The internet will finally be updated on my macbook. (I should HOPE)
I will have another married cousin!
We will have celebrated one year in this house.
I will have conquerd another summer of growth.
I will officially be an adult.
This time next year, everything will be different. Whether I want it to be so or not... Turning 18 and graduating everything is an automatic life changer. So much has happened just in this past year that I can not even imagine more changes than have already come... And to think. After this year, there will be another year, and another, and another, and 20 more if I'm lucky.
I can not even imagine all of the life that I have left to experience. It's exhausting, really! I feel like I've learned so much that I barely even have room left in my body for more knowledge and wisdom. Anything past the end of this summer is just to far to plan... So much can happen before then I almost am afraid to plan! When I was young I was in such a hurry to grow up and experience everything, wear make up, watch PG13 movies, not have a bed time, drive. I wanted to do it all SO bad. Now... I can wait. I'm happy to take things day by day as they come to me, because at this point in my life... there's really no better way to live in the moment then to actually live in the moment. Sure I have to make some plans for the future... But I'm trying to leave most of it up to God's leading. There's no better way to lose sight of God's plan than to box yourself into a set life when you're 17. I know that there is endless possibilities for me, I just hope I get the privilege of living to experience all of them :)
I went to this youth night with Natalie, Shelby, and Cassidy this past Saturday. Totally life changing. The Barlow's family friend Schlyce was in town with her assistant Jason (Can you say Crush from FN? haha..), her two kids, and her nanny Cassidy(So nice!), and they had set up a youth night for her to speak to some teens. Which is what I went to! haha. It was all about living a supernatural faith and the power that we as our generation have to change the world and the Christian stereotype. It gave me so much to think about... and it showed me how much I've been missing out on by living the typical Christian life style. There is SO much more that I didn't pay attention to... I pray, read bible verses, and love to worship. But did I ever pay attention to miracles? praying in tounges? A relationship with Christ can be anything BUT ordinary. When I had the opportunity to become filled with the Holy Spitit and recieve the gift of tounges... to be honest. I was a little hesitant. I was afraid, I'm not going to lie. Once I was filled with the Holy Spirit I knew.... there would really be no turning back. And I've never really been so gung-ho on the commitment front. But I did it anyways. And I have never been so glad to do anything in my life. I was able to become filled with the Holy Spirit WITH Shelby and with the help of Natalie. It was so cool.
I honestly didn't understand the concept of a full life with God before I did it. It wasn't like it hadn't been explained to me, I just didn't know what I was missing out on until I got it. I have never felt so much joy, or such fullness inside my heart. It really made me think about how much exploration and growth I have yet to accomplish in my faith. I thought that eventually I would just hit a spiritual high ground and be there forever... I thought that I had hit that high ground... Boy oh boy was I ever wrong. I don't have enough body for all of the love God has to fill it. It only took me laughing until I had tears streaming down my face, because of GOD, to realize it.
Proudly drunk on the Holy Spirit! Smokin the Jehovajuana! Never to be the same :)
I will be a CYT graduate.
I will be a HIGHSCHOOL graduate.
I will be in college, whether at MCC (please no...), or out of state in school in CA or TX.
I will have a job.
Erica will finally be back in America somewhere!
The internet will finally be updated on my macbook. (I should HOPE)
I will have another married cousin!
We will have celebrated one year in this house.
I will have conquerd another summer of growth.
I will officially be an adult.
This time next year, everything will be different. Whether I want it to be so or not... Turning 18 and graduating everything is an automatic life changer. So much has happened just in this past year that I can not even imagine more changes than have already come... And to think. After this year, there will be another year, and another, and another, and 20 more if I'm lucky.
I can not even imagine all of the life that I have left to experience. It's exhausting, really! I feel like I've learned so much that I barely even have room left in my body for more knowledge and wisdom. Anything past the end of this summer is just to far to plan... So much can happen before then I almost am afraid to plan! When I was young I was in such a hurry to grow up and experience everything, wear make up, watch PG13 movies, not have a bed time, drive. I wanted to do it all SO bad. Now... I can wait. I'm happy to take things day by day as they come to me, because at this point in my life... there's really no better way to live in the moment then to actually live in the moment. Sure I have to make some plans for the future... But I'm trying to leave most of it up to God's leading. There's no better way to lose sight of God's plan than to box yourself into a set life when you're 17. I know that there is endless possibilities for me, I just hope I get the privilege of living to experience all of them :)
I went to this youth night with Natalie, Shelby, and Cassidy this past Saturday. Totally life changing. The Barlow's family friend Schlyce was in town with her assistant Jason (Can you say Crush from FN? haha..), her two kids, and her nanny Cassidy(So nice!), and they had set up a youth night for her to speak to some teens. Which is what I went to! haha. It was all about living a supernatural faith and the power that we as our generation have to change the world and the Christian stereotype. It gave me so much to think about... and it showed me how much I've been missing out on by living the typical Christian life style. There is SO much more that I didn't pay attention to... I pray, read bible verses, and love to worship. But did I ever pay attention to miracles? praying in tounges? A relationship with Christ can be anything BUT ordinary. When I had the opportunity to become filled with the Holy Spitit and recieve the gift of tounges... to be honest. I was a little hesitant. I was afraid, I'm not going to lie. Once I was filled with the Holy Spirit I knew.... there would really be no turning back. And I've never really been so gung-ho on the commitment front. But I did it anyways. And I have never been so glad to do anything in my life. I was able to become filled with the Holy Spirit WITH Shelby and with the help of Natalie. It was so cool.
I honestly didn't understand the concept of a full life with God before I did it. It wasn't like it hadn't been explained to me, I just didn't know what I was missing out on until I got it. I have never felt so much joy, or such fullness inside my heart. It really made me think about how much exploration and growth I have yet to accomplish in my faith. I thought that eventually I would just hit a spiritual high ground and be there forever... I thought that I had hit that high ground... Boy oh boy was I ever wrong. I don't have enough body for all of the love God has to fill it. It only took me laughing until I had tears streaming down my face, because of GOD, to realize it.
Proudly drunk on the Holy Spirit! Smokin the Jehovajuana! Never to be the same :)
Friday, February 5, 2010
This is for you Josh Schweber!
something that I have recently realized about myself(as in I realized this driving home tonight): I have always only wanted what I couldn't have. Always. As long as I have been alive on this beautiful planet.
If I am ever told not to do something or that I can't have something, whatever it is automatically becomes 10x more appealing to me. Example: every boy in my entire life that I have ever "liked". Unnatainable on some level. Beginning with Chris Truesdale from Dreamstreet and my cousin. haha... those were the days. I don't know why this is true, but it's always just been part of me to like what or who I couldn't have. Maybe I do it so that I wouldn't get hurt and don't have to be vulnerable. Or maybe it's some psychological scar that runs deeper. But the second (almost literally?) that one of those boys asked me out or I got one of those unattainable objects I would do one of two things. I would either lose all interest, or I would flip out. Or both, one after the other. I know that that is immature. But it's true. And incase you are wondering, if I do this to keep myself from getting hurt, it doesn't work. Don't try it. It's painful to want something or someone who you can't have. Saying this specifically regarding men, I think the man I marry will be a man that I can have and still want any ways. That will stand as my test. If you ask me out, we date for a month, and I still want to talk to you and be around you. You're golden!
That sounds so lame. But it's true.
Good luck hooking me Mr. Right!
If I am ever told not to do something or that I can't have something, whatever it is automatically becomes 10x more appealing to me. Example: every boy in my entire life that I have ever "liked". Unnatainable on some level. Beginning with Chris Truesdale from Dreamstreet and my cousin. haha... those were the days. I don't know why this is true, but it's always just been part of me to like what or who I couldn't have. Maybe I do it so that I wouldn't get hurt and don't have to be vulnerable. Or maybe it's some psychological scar that runs deeper. But the second (almost literally?) that one of those boys asked me out or I got one of those unattainable objects I would do one of two things. I would either lose all interest, or I would flip out. Or both, one after the other. I know that that is immature. But it's true. And incase you are wondering, if I do this to keep myself from getting hurt, it doesn't work. Don't try it. It's painful to want something or someone who you can't have. Saying this specifically regarding men, I think the man I marry will be a man that I can have and still want any ways. That will stand as my test. If you ask me out, we date for a month, and I still want to talk to you and be around you. You're golden!
That sounds so lame. But it's true.
Good luck hooking me Mr. Right!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Blessing of the week!
So I've been talking/thinking/writing/ alot about faith lately and the way the God has been working in my life. I've learned so much just over the past two months about worship and living out my faith as a teenager. It's been an incredible journey, and I really honestly feel like I've grown so much recently. I've been relying on God and praying so much in the past two weeks. Praying about everything. This is my biggest blessing of the week so far:
So. We all know that I'm poor. And my family is not wealthy. And we struggle alot. I was praying this past Sunday about money; I had realized earlier that day that with the small amount of money that I had, there was no way that I could make it through the week gas wise... I couldn't even make it home from classes the next day. Let alone Bartlett, Carpentersville, Libertyville, and Elgin and back two more times before Sunday. I was praying hard for provision, and no surprise but to my amazement, God provided! Monday at classes a friend who I occassionally drive back and forth came to me and gave me $20 of gas money that I hadn't planned on getting! It was a huge groing point for me to realize that I really could trust and rely on God for even the smallest of things. If I need it. He will provide!
So. We all know that I'm poor. And my family is not wealthy. And we struggle alot. I was praying this past Sunday about money; I had realized earlier that day that with the small amount of money that I had, there was no way that I could make it through the week gas wise... I couldn't even make it home from classes the next day. Let alone Bartlett, Carpentersville, Libertyville, and Elgin and back two more times before Sunday. I was praying hard for provision, and no surprise but to my amazement, God provided! Monday at classes a friend who I occassionally drive back and forth came to me and gave me $20 of gas money that I hadn't planned on getting! It was a huge groing point for me to realize that I really could trust and rely on God for even the smallest of things. If I need it. He will provide!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Please hold while I grab my violin.
Friendship inconsistancy is hurting me today. Alot.
It's stressful to never know how you'll be treated, if you're wanted, or if it's genuine. I know that... long term... Not important. But short term exists. And in the short term this is not one ounce of fun.
I'm a shy little nut. So it's hard for me to be open or myself in general. It's not on purpose it just takes a really long time for me to make myself vulnerable.
frustrations.
Not trying to whine or anything, but what else is the purpose of this if I can't be honest?
Friendship is hard. Building it, maintaining it, ending it. It's all difficult. I don't think that's acknowledged honestly enough often.
Friends have the beautiful power to build you up, but they can break you down even easier. Sometimes it's not even on purpose.
That's what I am struggling with today.
It's stressful to never know how you'll be treated, if you're wanted, or if it's genuine. I know that... long term... Not important. But short term exists. And in the short term this is not one ounce of fun.
I'm a shy little nut. So it's hard for me to be open or myself in general. It's not on purpose it just takes a really long time for me to make myself vulnerable.
frustrations.
Not trying to whine or anything, but what else is the purpose of this if I can't be honest?
Friendship is hard. Building it, maintaining it, ending it. It's all difficult. I don't think that's acknowledged honestly enough often.
Friends have the beautiful power to build you up, but they can break you down even easier. Sometimes it's not even on purpose.
That's what I am struggling with today.
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