Sometimes. It is all to much.

consistency is not the name of anything.

I give up on writing regualrly in favor of only writing when I have something to say.
I've really been struggling lately with two things.
One is definitely college/future endeavors. It's so difficult. I trust God to put me where he wants me to be... but. I know that I'm not supposed to just sit around and wait for him to put my future in my lap. I want to chose the right path. But there's so many options that I'm not sure what that path is.
Also, and almost more importantly for me, I've really been thinking about my faith and my life as an active Christian. I've been reading this book called the irresistible revolution and it has pretty much changed the way I think. It suggests living totally and completely for God and giving parts of myself that I've never thought to give seriously before. It's throwing me for a loop. What about the things that I like that might not be God honoring? Like rap music? Clothes and makeup? Innapropriate jokes?
Do I just abandon those things? Quit them cold turkey in an effort to live like Jesus lived? What if that makes me unhappy? If it does can I fully live like Jesus? I don't quite know the answers actually. None of those are rhetorical. My mission right now is to figure this out.
And to express how much I really love music. It burns in my soul, but so far I've refused to let it boil over.
And to get a webcam so that I can finally talk to Erica.
And to start thinking straight.
And to get a keyboard.

Give me that line again...

Listening to: I'd rather go blind, Etta James
It's so nice and rainy today. Sometimes that's deffinitely a good thing I think, not always, but it's fall now so it's delicious.
Listening to: Stacey's Mom, Fountains of Wayne
I just felt like writing today I suppose. Grace was quite fun yesterday. I barely had any classes because it was picture day, and it was just a really nice time in general. I got to talk to Erica for a bit, which I always enjoy. She's great.
There's a concert on Tuesday! Relient K. I really really want to go. Badly.
I feel my creativ juices returning to me finally. I always know because everything I see looks like art or potential art. It's a beautiful thing to see the world that way.
Listening to: Beating heart baby, Head Automatica
Really though, it's so cool when everything is an inspiration. Its sort of frusterating sometimes, because I don't know where to start, but it's never a bad thing. And it makes me a happier person in general. Which I definitely have been lately.
I forgot how it felt to be so positive about things. It's wonderful. I feel awful that I let that slip away from me, like I wasted time almost.
Listening to: Near to you, A Fine Frenzy
Jamie burnt me a copy of RK's new cd and brought it to me yesterday. It was okay, a little dissapointing, but there were a couple realy good tracks on it.
I'm steadily becoming okay with being alone so much, which is bittersweet.
Upside of this move = Me and mom are closer than ever. She's one of my best friends.
Maybe that's lame... But I enjoy the situation.
I'm working for CYT now!
haha... just can't get enough.
I'm doing their CYT at school program with Rachael, Alise, and Lauren Wednesdays. It's seems really fun so far, the kids are a handful, but... when are they not? I'm really excited for the rest of the semester with them.
Listening to: Oh Momma, Justin Nozuka

The way I ayum.

currently listening to: sea of love (cat power) cover.

I think I'm getting old and young at the same time. Like Benjamin Button, except for not really. Mentally for me. I seem to be forgetting things alot... I hope this isn't the result of some brain malfunction.
I am... nervous.. to stay the least about college/gap year/esthetician school/general future. It would be awesome if somebody just told me whether I'm choosing the right path or doing the right thing. Or how to prepare. That would be cool too. I just... don't want to mess up my future because I didn't know something I should've been doing. Ultimately I have faith that I will end up in the correct place eventually I guess. I will just have to to trust God through all of this. obviously. As if I could live through what I've gone through without doing so.
I refuse to talk about my romantic endeavors here. This is a sacred arena. But there is someone.
Unfortunately. It's just awful for my state of mind. I'm nowhere near mature enough for this.
This has been a strange year... with everything going on and all.
Oh that reminds me!
I slept over at Rachael's monday night after project dance and we were talking about... well alot of things really... but one particular thing she said stuck to me. We were talking of sensitive things and she said "can't they just let me be upset and frusterated? Who says I want them to solve all of my problems?"
This is so true. I really don't even have to say much more. But to be clear, when I have an issue with myself.... I don't really expect people to solve it just because I'm vocal about it. Sometimes. I just need to air my feelings in order to heal them... That really helps me.
I have had a serious passion for music lately. I just go bananas for it. and singing. mmmm.