Sara Bareilles is my musical Hero. I love everything that she does. I love the way her music makes me feel. The way it's arranged. Her voice. Her emotion. The fact that she sounds even better live. I just LOVE listening to it. She also looks kind of like Bobby's girlfriend. Which is kind of weird.
I just felt like writing again today.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Kittens.
I wrote in my last post, a full month ago, that I was itching for summer. Now I reeeeeally am! In a very literal way. haha. I am covered in mosquito bites! & they are REALLY itching. I guess that and the slight sunburn that is covering my skin truly signifies the beginning of summer though! I could not be more happy that it's finally here! I dare say that it may have been worth all this waiting... Lets see. I graduated May 15th! I actually feel older. Les Mis is all over, such a worthwhile experience. I grew so much during and because of it. Very cool. Footloose is started! So that's nice! I'm house/dog sitting for the Boucek's while they're in Hawaii... and I love it. Love. I was not built to live with my family. But this has made me decide that at least for this year, Judson is where I need to be. I'm ready to be on my own, but not all the way. So I can transfer as a sophmore. At least that's MY plan. We'll see how that changes for me according to whatever God has planned. I'd say I'm pretty open. Which means I'm probably more closed off than I know. I'm currently choosing plans for a particular week of my summer: New York City road trip or Project Dance camp. Trust me. This is not an easy of a decision as it seems like it would be.
Life has been easier than the past couple weeks, it has actually been quite a struggle, but it has really made me thankful for my friends. It's been so nice to grow closer with some, and not so nice to see myself growing away from others. I'm just so grateful to be blessed with the friends that I have. ESPECIALLY my mom. Is that silly? I don't really mind if it is. I love my mom. I adore her. And I love that she always has time for me. And will drive to bring me gatorade at 4 am when I'm hurling and alone at the Boucek's. And will stay home and have a movie night with me. And will make me home made pizza because she knows I'm upset. I'm just really lucky to have her. Anyways. I've learned so much through everything that's been happening. Like how important honesty is in life. I don't know if there is another person alive who values honesty as highly as I do. In any relationship honesty is so key. I just don't know how to stress that highly enough. I've also learned a lot about trust. Trusting others AND trusting yourself. I don't feel much of a need to elaborate on that one. It's more of a personal growth thing than a public wisdom thing. But trusting yourself and your instinct, not doubting them, will almost always keep you in a good place. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Go with that. I most recently learned that a relationship with God takes a lot of work. haha. I may be laughing, but it's just because it's a silly thing to say, not because it's not true. I've learned that I can't expect to gain a strong relationship with God and just expect it to stay like that forever without putting time and effort into it! It's like a muscle. You can build it up and build it up until you're happy with it, but if you don't make an effort to maintain it, you can't just expect it to stay strong because you don't have time to work out. Next thing you know, you want to use it or need it and it's diminished.
It takes a continued effort. But it's so worth it. Like looking good for swimsuit season after a year of working out. haha.
Anyways. I am currently trying to spiritually work out a lot more often. I'm not perfect. But I can certainly do better than I have been :)
CYT@School finally ends tomorrow! YEAH! I am so excited! This semester has certainly put a strain on my patience. haha. And Natalie graduates on Thursday! All of my friends are growing up... I can't wait to see what's next for all of us!
Well. I will try not to wait another month to do this again!
Off to beddy!
Life has been easier than the past couple weeks, it has actually been quite a struggle, but it has really made me thankful for my friends. It's been so nice to grow closer with some, and not so nice to see myself growing away from others. I'm just so grateful to be blessed with the friends that I have. ESPECIALLY my mom. Is that silly? I don't really mind if it is. I love my mom. I adore her. And I love that she always has time for me. And will drive to bring me gatorade at 4 am when I'm hurling and alone at the Boucek's. And will stay home and have a movie night with me. And will make me home made pizza because she knows I'm upset. I'm just really lucky to have her. Anyways. I've learned so much through everything that's been happening. Like how important honesty is in life. I don't know if there is another person alive who values honesty as highly as I do. In any relationship honesty is so key. I just don't know how to stress that highly enough. I've also learned a lot about trust. Trusting others AND trusting yourself. I don't feel much of a need to elaborate on that one. It's more of a personal growth thing than a public wisdom thing. But trusting yourself and your instinct, not doubting them, will almost always keep you in a good place. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Go with that. I most recently learned that a relationship with God takes a lot of work. haha. I may be laughing, but it's just because it's a silly thing to say, not because it's not true. I've learned that I can't expect to gain a strong relationship with God and just expect it to stay like that forever without putting time and effort into it! It's like a muscle. You can build it up and build it up until you're happy with it, but if you don't make an effort to maintain it, you can't just expect it to stay strong because you don't have time to work out. Next thing you know, you want to use it or need it and it's diminished.
It takes a continued effort. But it's so worth it. Like looking good for swimsuit season after a year of working out. haha.
Anyways. I am currently trying to spiritually work out a lot more often. I'm not perfect. But I can certainly do better than I have been :)
CYT@School finally ends tomorrow! YEAH! I am so excited! This semester has certainly put a strain on my patience. haha. And Natalie graduates on Thursday! All of my friends are growing up... I can't wait to see what's next for all of us!
Well. I will try not to wait another month to do this again!
Off to beddy!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I am not my own.
I just found this nice little band called Dinner and a Suit (myspace.com/dinnerandasuit)courtesy of Alixx's twitter. haha. Really swell covers and such though!
I am knee deep in Les Mis right now, totally lovin it. I have ONE thursday of Grace left! Graduation is in less than 3 weeks. And then the sweet and frightening taste of freedom will be in my mouth at last! As of today... Everything after graduation is pretty much up in the air. I'm not sure where I'll be at school next year. I'm not sure what show/if I'm doing a show this summer. Where I'll be working. PD camp? Who I'll be seeing. When I'll be traveling. If I'll ever get to go camping... haha. So much unknown. Here's the thing about the unknown though, as long as you don't know, you never have to commit. So indecisiveness is a strong suit of mine.
My lanta but I have been a busy bee. Hopping around finishing everything up before summer. I successfully have one night free each week, if that. Between dance, work, voice, and cyt I'm swamped. It smells like summer outside though. I am ITCHING for it. Our neighboors have a fire pit. Yum. That is one nice smell. Between the smokey smell, the beautiful weather, and this neighboorhood we live in (if the sun is out, people are on bikes/rollerblades/skateboards/walks) it's like summer arrived prematurely and just forgot to tell the school system.
I guess so far this has been more of an update on my life then anything insightful. But someday maybe I'll want to know what I was up to as a 17 year old. My memory is already bad. Precautions.
We're doing this cool free writing assignment in Lit. right now. Mrs. B basically just gave us journals and told us our only perimiters are that we have to write in them once a day. We can write anything we want. SO I've mostly been writing in that instead of on here. haha. It's much more handy. Sometimes soon I'll post some of what I've been writing. It's been really nice and helpful.
I went to a show at the clearwater with Jam & Matt last friday. It's been TOO long since I've been to one. I think my last was RK when it was still freezing. I don't remember exactly when... January? Anyways. It was This Providence, Anarbor, The Audition, & The Bigger Lights. I'm not nuts about any of them, but it was prety cheap and totally worth it. It was a fun night! Sometimes when I'm at that sort of show though... I get kind of sad. I look around and see all of the sceney girls with their bows and vans and flourescent eyeshadow. A thousand brightly colored bracelets, overly dyed and styled hair. Clothes too small. And I just get upset. I used to be just like those girls. Searching for validation by "standing out" in the same way as everyone else. I see them and remember how I felt when I listened to the music, hung out at taco bell, and layed in the grass behind the movie theater. I was such a lost person then. So sometimes. It's like being in a dream being at the shows and standing next to the girls, but knowing that now I'm a cpmpletely different, and fulfilled person. So bizarre. I have certainly gone through my share of life seasons. haha.
Lataaaaaa.
I am knee deep in Les Mis right now, totally lovin it. I have ONE thursday of Grace left! Graduation is in less than 3 weeks. And then the sweet and frightening taste of freedom will be in my mouth at last! As of today... Everything after graduation is pretty much up in the air. I'm not sure where I'll be at school next year. I'm not sure what show/if I'm doing a show this summer. Where I'll be working. PD camp? Who I'll be seeing. When I'll be traveling. If I'll ever get to go camping... haha. So much unknown. Here's the thing about the unknown though, as long as you don't know, you never have to commit. So indecisiveness is a strong suit of mine.
My lanta but I have been a busy bee. Hopping around finishing everything up before summer. I successfully have one night free each week, if that. Between dance, work, voice, and cyt I'm swamped. It smells like summer outside though. I am ITCHING for it. Our neighboors have a fire pit. Yum. That is one nice smell. Between the smokey smell, the beautiful weather, and this neighboorhood we live in (if the sun is out, people are on bikes/rollerblades/skateboards/walks) it's like summer arrived prematurely and just forgot to tell the school system.
I guess so far this has been more of an update on my life then anything insightful. But someday maybe I'll want to know what I was up to as a 17 year old. My memory is already bad. Precautions.
We're doing this cool free writing assignment in Lit. right now. Mrs. B basically just gave us journals and told us our only perimiters are that we have to write in them once a day. We can write anything we want. SO I've mostly been writing in that instead of on here. haha. It's much more handy. Sometimes soon I'll post some of what I've been writing. It's been really nice and helpful.
I went to a show at the clearwater with Jam & Matt last friday. It's been TOO long since I've been to one. I think my last was RK when it was still freezing. I don't remember exactly when... January? Anyways. It was This Providence, Anarbor, The Audition, & The Bigger Lights. I'm not nuts about any of them, but it was prety cheap and totally worth it. It was a fun night! Sometimes when I'm at that sort of show though... I get kind of sad. I look around and see all of the sceney girls with their bows and vans and flourescent eyeshadow. A thousand brightly colored bracelets, overly dyed and styled hair. Clothes too small. And I just get upset. I used to be just like those girls. Searching for validation by "standing out" in the same way as everyone else. I see them and remember how I felt when I listened to the music, hung out at taco bell, and layed in the grass behind the movie theater. I was such a lost person then. So sometimes. It's like being in a dream being at the shows and standing next to the girls, but knowing that now I'm a cpmpletely different, and fulfilled person. So bizarre. I have certainly gone through my share of life seasons. haha.
Lataaaaaa.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Bullfrogs eat birds
After a week of fighting it I finally let my belly button piercing go. I fully intend to get it repierced after it heals... but that was a battle I wasn't going to win. I know that it's... weird that I liked it so much. I just like that it was so for me. It had nothing to do with future plans or anything like that, I just had it because I liked it. I like the way it looked. Besides, if I can't take care of one of my body parts, how will I take care of my life? Sometimes my body has it's own ideas I guess. haha.
I've been doing alot of worship in my car lately. I know that alot of people talk about how much music affects them, but I just can't imagine other people feeling the way I do when I listen to music. It's like I'm on a whole other level of life. And when I'm in the solitude of my car I can sing so freely. I love that. People who pass me probably think I'm nuts, and I am a total driving hazard, I just get so into it. Sometimes I get to my destination and realize I don't remember half of my journey. I just get that wrapped up in the songs.
I think that's how alot of people go through life. They start off with great intentions, figuring out the best route to avoid traffic and save gas. We start off on our journeys but when distractions come like materialism, influence, media, tragedy, etc. we kind of lose track of what we're doing. Then once we finally reach our destination we find that we've missed out on half our journey. You know? Kind of wanting to go back and do it again so that we can remember it. Or we worry that we may have run a red light and not noticed. Not to mention the numerous accidents that we almost caused because we weren't paying attention to other cars. What a huge metaphor!
I've been doing alot of worship in my car lately. I know that alot of people talk about how much music affects them, but I just can't imagine other people feeling the way I do when I listen to music. It's like I'm on a whole other level of life. And when I'm in the solitude of my car I can sing so freely. I love that. People who pass me probably think I'm nuts, and I am a total driving hazard, I just get so into it. Sometimes I get to my destination and realize I don't remember half of my journey. I just get that wrapped up in the songs.
I think that's how alot of people go through life. They start off with great intentions, figuring out the best route to avoid traffic and save gas. We start off on our journeys but when distractions come like materialism, influence, media, tragedy, etc. we kind of lose track of what we're doing. Then once we finally reach our destination we find that we've missed out on half our journey. You know? Kind of wanting to go back and do it again so that we can remember it. Or we worry that we may have run a red light and not noticed. Not to mention the numerous accidents that we almost caused because we weren't paying attention to other cars. What a huge metaphor!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Speechless
Oh my lanta. Well I'm pretty sure it has been over a month now since I've posted... Not because nothing interesting has been happening, but because so much has been happening that I've been short on time. + the laptop's internet is being weird and not working... So I've been avoiding blogging so that I don't have to do it in the kitchen with everyone around. Easter was yesterday, and we celebrated in true Taylor family fashion with a favorites day. Good food, infront of the tv, watching movies all day long. It was really nice. We watched New Moon (which my dad LOVED?), The Princess & the Frog (So cute, and kind of old school disney.), The Informant (Ridiculous/awesome.), & Precious(which I watched by myself. It was disturbing. I couldn't even cry. I just sat there.) It was a good day! I've been on spring break for over a week now, with a few more days to go. It's been such a great and needed relief! I've been able to spend time with friends who I love and miss, some rare time with my mom, and some time to just sit and think. All of the above highly valued by me. The weather has been so lovely! It got up past 70 degrees last week. Sunshine and open windows lifts my spirits so so much.
I graduate highschool in 39 DAYS! I can't believe how quickly it snuck up on me! At the beginning of this year I was pretty scared to leave, because I still don't know for sure where I'll be or what I'll be doing next year... But now I'm actually really excited for what ever comes next for me. Everything that I've been going through with my college applications lately has just really taught me to let go and go get at the same time. God has a future and a plan for me, and stressing out about what He wants me to do or where He wants me to go isn't going to help me get there any faster, you know? I need to trust myself and God enough to accept that I can go after what I want and get it. If what I want isn't God's will for me, then that's one thing, but sitting back and waiting for my path in life to magically appear isn't going to do much good. I have so much faith that God will reveal His plan for me as I need to see it, that I'm not terribly worried about what I can't see right now. Each day is a gift, and time is so precious that waiting timidly for my way to be revealed is not living as God intended it to be.
I've been learning So much about the character of God in the past two months. I guess I never really thought about God as having much of a character or personality... but He has a huge one. God is funny, and smart, and witty, and silly, and gracious, and forgiving, and everything that we are attracted to in others. God doesn't just sit in a chair and rule over his people, merciful, but disinterested. My God is hands on. He wants to hear about my day, my heart, and my dreams. That's SO cool. I've been making the mistake my entire life of feeling lonely when I'm upset. From person to person, no one has been through all of the same struggles, so being only human sometimes we can't realate to each other when we're hurting. No matter how much we want to. But God has felt everything we're feeling as humans, and is around whenever we need him with grace, and advice, and His perfect love. What more could we ask for? I think sometimes we forget about God, trying to fill our pain with the advice or comfort of worldly beings or things... Not necessary.
I switched my closet out the other day for summer! And I'll be switching out my music soon also! Summer is on it's way, bringing with it countless changes and new friends and experiences. I"m really looking forward to that.
I'm taking a break from facebook, and I'm not getting texts from twitter for a little bit. I think I just need some time free from technology.
I was reading some of my oldest posts the other day! I knew what was up in 2008, man. I'm telling you. I'm going to start doing posts like that again. haha.
Until next time, which will hopefully be soon! haha.
I graduate highschool in 39 DAYS! I can't believe how quickly it snuck up on me! At the beginning of this year I was pretty scared to leave, because I still don't know for sure where I'll be or what I'll be doing next year... But now I'm actually really excited for what ever comes next for me. Everything that I've been going through with my college applications lately has just really taught me to let go and go get at the same time. God has a future and a plan for me, and stressing out about what He wants me to do or where He wants me to go isn't going to help me get there any faster, you know? I need to trust myself and God enough to accept that I can go after what I want and get it. If what I want isn't God's will for me, then that's one thing, but sitting back and waiting for my path in life to magically appear isn't going to do much good. I have so much faith that God will reveal His plan for me as I need to see it, that I'm not terribly worried about what I can't see right now. Each day is a gift, and time is so precious that waiting timidly for my way to be revealed is not living as God intended it to be.
I've been learning So much about the character of God in the past two months. I guess I never really thought about God as having much of a character or personality... but He has a huge one. God is funny, and smart, and witty, and silly, and gracious, and forgiving, and everything that we are attracted to in others. God doesn't just sit in a chair and rule over his people, merciful, but disinterested. My God is hands on. He wants to hear about my day, my heart, and my dreams. That's SO cool. I've been making the mistake my entire life of feeling lonely when I'm upset. From person to person, no one has been through all of the same struggles, so being only human sometimes we can't realate to each other when we're hurting. No matter how much we want to. But God has felt everything we're feeling as humans, and is around whenever we need him with grace, and advice, and His perfect love. What more could we ask for? I think sometimes we forget about God, trying to fill our pain with the advice or comfort of worldly beings or things... Not necessary.
I switched my closet out the other day for summer! And I'll be switching out my music soon also! Summer is on it's way, bringing with it countless changes and new friends and experiences. I"m really looking forward to that.
I'm taking a break from facebook, and I'm not getting texts from twitter for a little bit. I think I just need some time free from technology.
I was reading some of my oldest posts the other day! I knew what was up in 2008, man. I'm telling you. I'm going to start doing posts like that again. haha.
Until next time, which will hopefully be soon! haha.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Catharsis.
My life in music:
I listen to rap music when I'm frustrated or angry.
I listen to love songs when I'm upset.
I listen to worship music when I need connection or enlightenment.
James Taylor and Steely Dan remind me of my dad.
Heart, Mac Davis, and Paolo Nutini remind me of my mom.
Fred Penner and Shania Twain make me think of my childhood.
In my heart I will always love 60's music.
In my soul I will always sing the blues.
I could not survive only listening to musicals.
I have strange a strange connection with the following songs:
-Sugar we're going down
-Obsession
-Dirty Work
-Love Grows (where my rosemary goes)
-Cherokee People
-Face Down
-Something In The Way She Moves
-Candy Shop
-These Eyes
-Talkin' 'bout a Revolution
-Hey Mama
-Sugar Rush
-Long Time Coming
-Definitely Maybe
-Ramblin' Man
-Hero
-Killing Me Softly
-Man I Feel Like a Woman
-Take Me
-I'd Lie
-Let Me Love You
Music has the power to calm me.
I think in lyrics.
I sing the entire time I'm in the car.
I respect my dad's musical taste.
I listen smooth jazz.
I don't enjoy listening to most The Beatles or Rocket Summer songs
In my whole life, I have only met 1 person with the same taste in music as me.
My dad makes up his own joke songs. So do I.
I don't listen to things because other people like them.
I've never met anyone with as broad of tastes as me.
I will always have a soft spot for country music.
Just... In general. I:
like cats.
enjoy being in memphis more than any other city.
have my bellybutton pierced. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made.
love thefreedictionary.com.
don't eat meat, want to eat meat, or like the idea of eating meat.
like patterns, I look for them everywhere.
believe Deja Vu is the result of prophetic dreams. I decided that when I was 10, but I have no idea if it's ever been proven.
actually enjoy doing and reading research papers.
wish I could play an instrument.
don't like white walls.
think I'm a little to attached to technology.
love to take showers.
order french fries almost every time I go out to eat.
only like Italian and Spanish dressing on my salad.
think that Mater from cars is one of the most adorable characters ever.
am a picky eater.
love to be tan, but am not patient enough to lay out.
am not that confident.
love 6 & 7 year olds.
overthink things.
have a "power color".
really enjoy driving.
love, no really, LOVE wind.
think alot about the future.
love to be barefoot.
think owls are fascinating.
prefer popsicles to every dessert except icecream cake.
am excited to be in love.
don't really like classic literature like Jane Austin... I like gritty rawness.
love when people pay attention to what I say.
have a heart for the broken.
eat alot of Doritos and Cheddar Sour Cream chips. They're my favorite kind.
get really bad migraines.
am really attracted to older men. Like Robert Redford.
don't enjoy pilates.
am most afraid of madam mim, courage the cowardly dog, and dying young.
don't like playing board games. My only exceptions are Clue, Scattergories, and Catch Phrase.
am obsessed with soft skin.
love the names Lucy, Holly, Ella, Finn, and James.
FREAKING LOVE TO CAMP.
Favorite things to do:
Concerts.
Long car trips with people I'm comfortable with.
Talk about politics with people who can debate.
Play cards.
Worship.
Hug.
Talk to adults.
Make things.
Drive. During the summer. At night.
Snuggle.
Camp... obviously.
Sing.
Hold hands with my friends.
Laugh.
Well this was nice actually... I'm glad I did it.
I listen to rap music when I'm frustrated or angry.
I listen to love songs when I'm upset.
I listen to worship music when I need connection or enlightenment.
James Taylor and Steely Dan remind me of my dad.
Heart, Mac Davis, and Paolo Nutini remind me of my mom.
Fred Penner and Shania Twain make me think of my childhood.
In my heart I will always love 60's music.
In my soul I will always sing the blues.
I could not survive only listening to musicals.
I have strange a strange connection with the following songs:
-Sugar we're going down
-Obsession
-Dirty Work
-Love Grows (where my rosemary goes)
-Cherokee People
-Face Down
-Something In The Way She Moves
-Candy Shop
-These Eyes
-Talkin' 'bout a Revolution
-Hey Mama
-Sugar Rush
-Long Time Coming
-Definitely Maybe
-Ramblin' Man
-Hero
-Killing Me Softly
-Man I Feel Like a Woman
-Take Me
-I'd Lie
-Let Me Love You
Music has the power to calm me.
I think in lyrics.
I sing the entire time I'm in the car.
I respect my dad's musical taste.
I listen smooth jazz.
I don't enjoy listening to most The Beatles or Rocket Summer songs
In my whole life, I have only met 1 person with the same taste in music as me.
My dad makes up his own joke songs. So do I.
I don't listen to things because other people like them.
I've never met anyone with as broad of tastes as me.
I will always have a soft spot for country music.
Just... In general. I:
like cats.
enjoy being in memphis more than any other city.
have my bellybutton pierced. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made.
love thefreedictionary.com.
don't eat meat, want to eat meat, or like the idea of eating meat.
like patterns, I look for them everywhere.
believe Deja Vu is the result of prophetic dreams. I decided that when I was 10, but I have no idea if it's ever been proven.
actually enjoy doing and reading research papers.
wish I could play an instrument.
don't like white walls.
think I'm a little to attached to technology.
love to take showers.
order french fries almost every time I go out to eat.
only like Italian and Spanish dressing on my salad.
think that Mater from cars is one of the most adorable characters ever.
am a picky eater.
love to be tan, but am not patient enough to lay out.
am not that confident.
love 6 & 7 year olds.
overthink things.
have a "power color".
really enjoy driving.
love, no really, LOVE wind.
think alot about the future.
love to be barefoot.
think owls are fascinating.
prefer popsicles to every dessert except icecream cake.
am excited to be in love.
don't really like classic literature like Jane Austin... I like gritty rawness.
love when people pay attention to what I say.
have a heart for the broken.
eat alot of Doritos and Cheddar Sour Cream chips. They're my favorite kind.
get really bad migraines.
am really attracted to older men. Like Robert Redford.
don't enjoy pilates.
am most afraid of madam mim, courage the cowardly dog, and dying young.
don't like playing board games. My only exceptions are Clue, Scattergories, and Catch Phrase.
am obsessed with soft skin.
love the names Lucy, Holly, Ella, Finn, and James.
FREAKING LOVE TO CAMP.
Favorite things to do:
Concerts.
Long car trips with people I'm comfortable with.
Talk about politics with people who can debate.
Play cards.
Worship.
Hug.
Talk to adults.
Make things.
Drive. During the summer. At night.
Snuggle.
Camp... obviously.
Sing.
Hold hands with my friends.
Laugh.
Well this was nice actually... I'm glad I did it.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Lotion & Marriage
I've done something to myself that is limiting my mobility... I never knew that simply sleeping/stretching/sitting on the couch could do so much damage. I am in pain. On the brighter side of the cloud... I got my hair cut today! There are few things that I like better than having clean, split end free, shiny hair. My legs are also incredibly soft, one of the aformentioned few things enjoyed more than a hair cut. I don't know what it is about soft skin that I just adore, but there is something about it that just makes me smile. I feel better when my skin is soft. Is that strange? I don't really care if it is. After many affairs with other lotions, I've returned to my true love. Jergens Natural Glow. I discovered it back in aladdin, when I needed to be tan in February, and I have never since found a lotion that makes my skin prettier or softer. And believe me, I have looked. If you haven't used it, go buy it. It's worth it.
I've been thinking alot in the past 2 months about marriage. Not one specific topic realating to it... Everything. Marriages around me, what I want in a husband, when I want to get married, my fears about marriage, the kind of wife I want to be. Alot of things... points... lists in my head... You know, normal Mary thoughts. haha. I want to share it all, because I feel like someday I might need it. So... Sorry in advance about the length. haha. Maybe I'll split it up.
My parents do not have the ideal marriage. I wish with everything in me that they did, for their sake as much as mine, but they don't. My mom married my dad thinking he would change, and he never did. I could go into details about our family problems, but that isn't the point of this, so just know... it isn't a fairytale. When I was younger my dad wasn't around much because of work. My mom cooked dinner every night, and when he called to say that he would be late, she saved him a plate in the fridge. She was unhappy. When my dad lost his job and his license, she went back to work full time. He was unhappy. The older I get, the more unhappy they get. It's really the only thing they have in common. I always thought that this was just how marriage was. A tax deduction, a room mate, love when it was convenient, don't expect anything and you won't be dissapointed. Fairytales were called that for a reason. They didn't REALLY happen. Maybe that sounds cynical, but that's what I thought. I never said it outloud, but it's so true. Children of an unhapppy marriage are just as damaged as children from divorce. It's only been in the past couple months as I've witnessed God's love that I've understood what marriage can be. Marriage isn't supposed to be fickle or convenient. Marriage is a support system. A give and take. Unconditional love. Joy when you're 87 and tired. I have alot of friends whose parents have marital problems and alot of friends whose parents have faced divorce, but I also have some friends whose parents are beautiful examples of marriage as I believe God inteded it to be. Now this is all a very new concept to me... But I'm excited for it. Like REALLY REALLY excited. I'm sad for the unhappiness of my parents, but I'm glad to have learned first hand from them not to settle. To always challenge myself. And especially to communicate.
As far back as I can remember I wanted to wait to get married. My mom waited until she was 30 to get married and counts it as one of her best decisions. I want to travel, learn about myself, work, learn about God. I want to do it ALL. I have so many passions I can barely tie my shoes. So I've always thought it would be a better idea for me to wait to get married like my mom did... Way to put a limit on God Mary! haha. For somebody who prided herself on keeping her options open, I sure did box myself in on that one. With the same conviction I had for waiting to get married I always thought I would marry my best friend. Not saying I thought that I would marry every best guy friend I've ever had... but it was just a feeling. Someday. Because I believe a husband or wife should be your best friend. Anyways. I'm keeping my options open on when I want to get married. As for having kids, that I'm prepared to wait on. But marriage... I feel that tug. So I'm keeping my heart open. As painful as that is sometimes, when ever God's ready, I think that I'm ready.
As excited as I am to get married, I'm also terrified. What if I make the wrong decision? Pick the wrong guy? I'm sure that most divorcees thought that they were doing the right thing when they got married... same with most unhappy couples. When I get married I want it to be forEVER. I'm afraid of growing apart. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid that my husband will be like my dad. I'm afraid that I won't be vulnerable enough. I am AFRAID IN GENERAL. I've never been one for commitment, and marriage is a huge one. I'm hoping for my fear to be what drives me though. Does that make sense? I want my fear to be a healthy one. I want my fear of growing apart to keep me close to my husband. I want my fear of marrying someone like my dad to make me not settle for anything less than what I want. I hope to use my fear as fire in my life, instead of letting it eat me. I want to be a good wife. I KNOW that I have it in me. So long as I can open my heart, I will be just fine. I've decided that.
I'm going to write another post of what I've found that I want in a husband. I feel like it needs a whole post by itself because of how important it is to me. So... Another time. Maybe tonight. Maybe not. haha. Leaving you guessing I guess!
I've been thinking alot in the past 2 months about marriage. Not one specific topic realating to it... Everything. Marriages around me, what I want in a husband, when I want to get married, my fears about marriage, the kind of wife I want to be. Alot of things... points... lists in my head... You know, normal Mary thoughts. haha. I want to share it all, because I feel like someday I might need it. So... Sorry in advance about the length. haha. Maybe I'll split it up.
My parents do not have the ideal marriage. I wish with everything in me that they did, for their sake as much as mine, but they don't. My mom married my dad thinking he would change, and he never did. I could go into details about our family problems, but that isn't the point of this, so just know... it isn't a fairytale. When I was younger my dad wasn't around much because of work. My mom cooked dinner every night, and when he called to say that he would be late, she saved him a plate in the fridge. She was unhappy. When my dad lost his job and his license, she went back to work full time. He was unhappy. The older I get, the more unhappy they get. It's really the only thing they have in common. I always thought that this was just how marriage was. A tax deduction, a room mate, love when it was convenient, don't expect anything and you won't be dissapointed. Fairytales were called that for a reason. They didn't REALLY happen. Maybe that sounds cynical, but that's what I thought. I never said it outloud, but it's so true. Children of an unhapppy marriage are just as damaged as children from divorce. It's only been in the past couple months as I've witnessed God's love that I've understood what marriage can be. Marriage isn't supposed to be fickle or convenient. Marriage is a support system. A give and take. Unconditional love. Joy when you're 87 and tired. I have alot of friends whose parents have marital problems and alot of friends whose parents have faced divorce, but I also have some friends whose parents are beautiful examples of marriage as I believe God inteded it to be. Now this is all a very new concept to me... But I'm excited for it. Like REALLY REALLY excited. I'm sad for the unhappiness of my parents, but I'm glad to have learned first hand from them not to settle. To always challenge myself. And especially to communicate.
As far back as I can remember I wanted to wait to get married. My mom waited until she was 30 to get married and counts it as one of her best decisions. I want to travel, learn about myself, work, learn about God. I want to do it ALL. I have so many passions I can barely tie my shoes. So I've always thought it would be a better idea for me to wait to get married like my mom did... Way to put a limit on God Mary! haha. For somebody who prided herself on keeping her options open, I sure did box myself in on that one. With the same conviction I had for waiting to get married I always thought I would marry my best friend. Not saying I thought that I would marry every best guy friend I've ever had... but it was just a feeling. Someday. Because I believe a husband or wife should be your best friend. Anyways. I'm keeping my options open on when I want to get married. As for having kids, that I'm prepared to wait on. But marriage... I feel that tug. So I'm keeping my heart open. As painful as that is sometimes, when ever God's ready, I think that I'm ready.
As excited as I am to get married, I'm also terrified. What if I make the wrong decision? Pick the wrong guy? I'm sure that most divorcees thought that they were doing the right thing when they got married... same with most unhappy couples. When I get married I want it to be forEVER. I'm afraid of growing apart. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid that my husband will be like my dad. I'm afraid that I won't be vulnerable enough. I am AFRAID IN GENERAL. I've never been one for commitment, and marriage is a huge one. I'm hoping for my fear to be what drives me though. Does that make sense? I want my fear to be a healthy one. I want my fear of growing apart to keep me close to my husband. I want my fear of marrying someone like my dad to make me not settle for anything less than what I want. I hope to use my fear as fire in my life, instead of letting it eat me. I want to be a good wife. I KNOW that I have it in me. So long as I can open my heart, I will be just fine. I've decided that.
I'm going to write another post of what I've found that I want in a husband. I feel like it needs a whole post by itself because of how important it is to me. So... Another time. Maybe tonight. Maybe not. haha. Leaving you guessing I guess!
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