April

Okay. At this point it's just getting pathetic that I'm not writing more frequently. I had the flu 2 weeks ago, a time when I could literally do nothing else (besides watch movies), and I still didn't write. I don't even have mandatory journaling as an excuse now. haha. I guess my reasoning is I shouldn't put things I'm unsure about oout into the universe, and while I know exactly what I've been doing for the past two months, I have little to no idea what my feelings are about it all. Compartmentalizing has been necessary.
Anywhich... A lot has happened! But that would be a tedious and long update, so I'm just going to go ahead and focus on the present.
Ex-president George W. Bush is here at the Jud today. It was for a world leaders forum, very business like and official. Lots of traffic and little parking around campus. Secret service, forced sack lunches, cancelled classes, etc. A nice change of pace.
We have a little less than 2 and a half weeks left of school! Wow. This year has gone so fast and so slow at the same time. I can not believe that on Friday 4/29/11 I will no longer be a college freshman. What a whirlwind journey this has been.
This week finishes out, then we have one more regular week of classes, then it's finals (which almost doesn't count because I have 2 full days off finals week because of test timing).
The end of this school year is bittersweet.
While I am exhausted, mentally and physically, I am really going to miss the friends I've made over the course of the year.
Not to mention the reality that I may be in Texas next semester. Or in Florida. Or somewhere else.
It's tough to swallow never seeing some of these people again!
I can't even think about leaving my roommates yet.
And I don't really want to live at home, but that's another can of worms for another night.
However, I AM excited for summer too.
Warmth, rest, music, the beach, great time with friends. I love all of that!
I'm sure there will be plenty of crying, complaining, laughing and hugging 3 Fridays from now when I move out.
Lately (meaning in the past few months), I've gotten really close with some kids here, and I just really am starting to love them! Molly, Kelsey, Reed and Mary specifically :)
Mary and I have an istant bond just because we have the same name, but she is so great. So sensitive to others, a huge heart and a beautiful beautiful voice.
Reed, I'm convinced, has a different perspective on life than every person I've ever met. He's not afraid to ask tough questions, but he also has so much love and respect for other people. I think that's really cool.
That and he's totally nuts, rarely goes to class, loves to road trip, and forces me to help him get better as a person. He will make a great husband someday.
Kelsey tries to succeed at everything she does. She doesn't like to be bored, and this is made obvious by her crazy schedule. She's real short, and real proportional. haha. She is a talented musician. She has baggage, but she is an incredible friend and a great person to seek out for advice and comfort. She is a big sweetheart.
Molly is great too :) She reminds me of Mama Cass. She even has a tambourine. She has a beautiful voice, silky hair, and a heart for broken people and lost causes. Injustice cripples her and I love that she laughs at my jokes and goes along with my games. Sometimes she's a little spacey even though she's always asking questions, but she will be a great and loving mother someday and will make a huge difference in the lives of many!
There's also people like Luke, who's a great example of a man. Wynn, who is a mystery but precious. Brenda, who loves to love. Kaitlyn, who is a light. Zack, a challenger. Erin, who loves nature and God's creation.
There's just so many great people here!
I guess I get a little carried away.
I've been having some intense worship experiences lately.
Judson challenges me to step outside my comfort sone, primarily because I feel like I'm the only one that is willing to do so.
Because of this I have spent so much time really working and making a concious effort to improve my relationship with God.
It has been consistently remwarding and I'm excited to see where it will take me in the next few weeks!
I'm trying reeeeeeal hard not to fail math. Procrastination is definitely what I have to thank for this one. haha. It is alllll me.

Bedtime soon! It's been a long and sunny day!

Ephesians

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

Beware of laziness in speech, of getting to comfortable with those who you love. Words should always be spoken in love, casting out demons and adding fruit to your life. It should never feel okay to use mean words against others, even if they love you unconditionally.
Tell the people who you love that you love them!

Nobody is ever around when I injure myself

I have some really weird habbits.
Like when I don't want to throw out my gum, I just put it on something until I'm ready to chew it again. Or how I crack my back like its my job.
I don't know how I develop these things, but they sure do stick around!
Eventually I will probably be a vegan. I'm intollerant to most things (sugar... dairy... gluten... corn... rice... Yeah. I'm that kid.), so I fugure if I wait long enough I'll be forced into veganism by my body. I just get the worst head aches.

Despite my successful procrastinating yesterday, I caved and did my homework tonight.
I just really don't like having things hanging over me. I couldn't help it! So I settled for a night of post-church productivity, accomplishing homework, resume, audition organization, putting away laundry and groceries, etc. I feel better.
Jenn, Erin and I met up with Lauren for dinner after church tonight! I am so proud of her! She had her IWU audition yesterday and she is so happy with they way it went! She has just come so far and grown so much since I met her 6 years ago that I feel like a proud mom to hear how well she's doing and about her positive attitude through all of the stress. She is growing into a beautiful girl!

I'm not sure what tomorrow has in store for me!
No more homework or cleaning or organizing can be done here... and it's the Sabbath, so no work will be done anyways... But I have no plans! Maybe I'll go to the costume room for a while since I didn't go today. Or catch up on some reading and stay in. Or go and work on some music in the practice rooms. It all sounds good to me!

Bed time!

January

Okay, I'm not even going to attempt to write regularly any more.
It just doesn't happen when I'm busy.
English 102 last semester taught me that if I'm not being forced to write (i.e. graded on my progress) I rarely set aside time to do it.
Hence the vocal performance major.
I enjoy writing, really I do, but the busy college life (I go to bed at 10) has overtaken me once again. I simply don't think about writing beyond the copious notes that I take and papers that I write.
As for the 10 pm bedtime... I get inordinately cranky with less than 9 hours of sleep. I can function on 8, but that starts to push it mood wise. This separates me from the average college student(my friends all have an average bed time atleast 3 hours later), but it's for the good of the JU community that I am as rested as possible. It's mayhem otherwise. Outright pandemonium. With a lot of crying.
My attitude regarding school has improved since my first week back.
(it was looking pretty bad there for a while, but don't worry, positivity prevailed)
I have no job, but I do have random influxes of money when I really need it. God's blessing!
I'm still respecting the Sabbath, and each week I grow increasingly more grateful!
My Baylor audition in set for the 3rd weekend of february. I am equal parts excited and scared, but I am working through giving this process and my feelings on the matter entirely to God. It is a struggle to hand over something that I want so badly, but I'm figuring I can either go willingly or kicking and screaming and nervous. This is making my choice easier.
Relationships... blah blah... bad JU food.. blah... independence..
I just downloaded a bunch of new music today! Good stuff.
Right now I'm mostly just really sleepy actually, so the updating goes about as indepth as I just got.
Much has changed!
Tomorrow I'm supposed to go and help Lela and Melissa with the costume room at Jud! I really enjoy spending time with both of them and I love costume rooms in general, even the hot mess that is claimed my Judson, so that will hopefully work out well.
I'm hoping to go see Henry Cloud teach at willow also, I'm seen him before and I feel like I'll get a lot out of the teaching.

Sleeping is an indulgence I don't mind giving in to one bit right now.
I hope all is well!

Tumbled upon.

"Never let anyone love you less than you love yourself."




Think about that. Letting others treat you poorly is disrespectful to who God created you to be.

(This week has been very nice)

Hark! Midterms approach!

Okay, so midterms are actually long over. The title inexplicably climbed into my brain though when I was pondering what to write about.
It's from an email title composed by the lovely Dr. Jones for all of his "fair and noble voice students" (his words not mine) around the middle of this past semester. I guess I just found it funny really.
Anywhich, there are 2 major excitements in my life right now!
1 being the completion of my chair, on which I am now sitting!
Now, I can't remember how much if at all I've talked about this chair... But it is very dear to my heart. What started as a simple garbage picking project turned into the fruit of my emotional turmoil. Turmoil is being over dramatic, but I was seriously bumming for a bit there and this chair allowed me to paint my emotions away.
It's not anything particularly impressive. Some of the colors blend where they aren't supposed to or don't when they are. My sharpie was on it's last leg when I was writing on my last leg, and my lines aren't straight, but I love it so much.
I'm proud to have successfully started and finished it, so I'm putting up pictures!






My second major excitement is the highly anticipated arrival of Christmas!
It's not just the season anymore! It's the day/eve!
I have always been a virtual Christmas fanatic. I wait all year, enjoy it thoroughly, and then get sad on the 26th. It's great. I love everything about the season. Even the snow and cold are manageable before Christmas! (after Christmas however, all bets are off)
The world turns magical around Christmas.
Everything sparkles
People are happier
Food tastes better
Music is joyful
There is an undeniable shift in the graces of community in general.
This year something feels different to me though.
Being brought up in church taught me about the nativity and such, but santa and presents and music and movies and friends have always been a big highlite of my Christmas experience.
This year though, the taste of Christmas is just stronger to me. More powerful. Something clicked that has never clicked before. I'm going to sound silly when I write it, like I'm pointing out the obvious thing that every church child would know. But I'm going to say it anyways.
Jesus' birth is real.
Like it really happened.
It's not like santa, this was a legitimate occurence!
God really did send his son to rescue us, he really was born in an uncomfortable situation.
Mary really was a strong faithful woman of God.
Joseph really was a trusting and believing follower. It's real!
And I'm not lying when I tell you that this is the first year that I have realized the poignancy of O Holy Night. The celebratory value of it, and the truth behind the words. It has quickly gone from being a Christmas song to get through to one to be turned up and worshipped to. Yep, worshiped. For it is a true praise song.
This season I'm celebrating what I've been told my entire life, with true sincerity.
Jesus is the reason for the season, and wow am I blessed and affirmed by that.
God has truly blessed me over this year, and you better believe I'm grateful for Him sending His beautiful son to be born and die for me.
I'm sitting in awe just thinking about it really.
If the celebration of this birth isn't a reason to be joyful this season, I don't know what is.
Marvel at this joyous occasion and use it as a vessle to let your thankfulness flow freely! The Son of GOD was sent to wipe us free of sin! Praise to the everlasting ever loving Father!
Merry Christmas!

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of the dear Savior�s birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here came the wise men from Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger,
In all our trials born to be our friend!

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His Gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His Name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy Name!

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Rolling in the deep

This has been one of the strangest weeks of this year.
It hasn't been bad or good really.
It's been interesting though.
Full of revelations, time with God, creativity, talking and not talking, not sleeping and driving.
I've turned my bedroom into a cave. There are blankets, pillows and clothes everywhere. Books and cds are strewn accross those. Dirty laundry mixed with clean, etc. It's crazy in here. I kind of love it though. I can just sit in my bed for hours reading and journaling and listening to music. I like that freedom. I've been thinking a lot too. About flaws and baggage and such. Have had some pretty interesting conversations about such things.
I can't say that much elaboration is necessary, but a lot has been changing.
My fingernails are even short. And unpainted. If that doesn't say personal change, I don't know what does.

I've fallen in love with The Avett Brothers. I've been casually listening for the last year, but this week something in their music just clicked with me. And so right now I'm just a big fan. I've found some other great music too. Like Charlene Soraia and the TFDI EP. Jesse Thomas. Emy Reynolds. Even Darren Criss. Who is on glee, but has an EP that is legitimately good. It's so refreshing for me to find music that reminds me why I love what I love. Why I want to do it for the rest of my life.

I'm sort of looking for a job. I'm definitely going to need one as my schedule doesn't allow for CYT@School next semester. Which means no big bucks! The idea of a job is just so unappealing to me though. Call me spoiled, I will tell you that I have worked for the past 4 years and I still don't like it. haha.

I caved and bought jeggings yesterday. When they came out I said never would I ever because they were tacky and unflattering. Now I really don't care if they are either because they are ridiculously comfortable and warmer than leggings. They are ideal winter bottoms for those who dislike pants and I wish I would have indulged before yesterday.

It's really cold outside! Most of the time it's cold inside too because our heat is sketchy and even nonexistent in some areas (i.e. my room). Inconvenient! Atleast I like sweaters.

The chair is my current project. I have been literally throwing full nights at completing it. It's not a masterpiece or anything, but it gives me the outlet to be creative that I need in order to process and think things through. The appearance of this chair is basically the result of my heavy emotion this week. And strangely, it seems like the closer to finishing it that I get the less emotional I get. I'm not sure how that happened.

Altogether, this has been a strange first week of break.