A Mirror Is Harder To Hold

My insides are totally at war right now. I guess I don't mean that literally, but I definitely mean it metaphorically. There is literally a BATTLE going on up in there. I wish I could say what was going on exactly, but I really don't know.
I do know that I feel heavy, despite being as happy as a clam to be on Christmas Break(which never felt like it would get here), and very uncomfortable with my surroundings.
I guess I'm struggling with falling into old habits.
And definitely with putting myself in friendship situations that I know are not right for me right now.
And mourning some friendships that I don't know how to fix.
And I've been very concerned with what I "need" lately, which is a huge struggle. Time with loved ones that I need. Time to myself that I need. Things that I need to get done. Thinking that I need to do. I need a job. I need good grades. I need to transfer. I need more sleep. I need better food. You know? There has been a lot of I need, and that's been blocking out a lot of God guidance I think. It's something that I think I try so hard to be wary of that I accidentally fall anyway because I'm trying so hard. When one focuses so hard on one thing, what else could happen. Satan knows how to get in the backdoor and cracks better than any one. This "I need" mentality is making me feel so isolated so quickly. I mean, today was my 3rd day of break and I already feel suffocated. I believe that says something about the way I've been spending my time. I wouldn't say trust has ever been a strong suit of mine, but I feel like maybe it's important that I focus less on what I feel like I "need" and more on trusting that God already knows what I really need. He is a great provider you know. If God really does work everything together for the good of those who love Him, then it is really just irresponsible for me to try and take control. I have faith that if I need time alone to recharge or hang out with myself and do crafty things then I will have that, and so on and so forth.
I've also been struggling with Prayer lately. This is kind of an important struggle for me. And definitely a personal one. I've realized that I sure do a lot of praying for myself, and I feel like maybe I don't pray as much for others as I wish I did.
I carry my relationships very close to my heart, but I think when it comes down to talking with God it's all me and very little others. It's like I get so excited that I don't even think about other people. I don't like that, and have resolved (right now) to work on it. I want to pray for my friends and my family. I want them to be blessed and lead lives that are full and I want to be a prayer warrior for them.
I think my house makes me afraid of responsibility. When I am at school I am super independent girl. I do everything for myself, I take initiative, I get things done. Not at home. There's something about home that makes me want to curl up under my mass of comforters and pillows, close the curtains and hide from the world. I am barely capable of doing anything and that freaks me out. Is it because climbing up my bed at school is too much work to bother trying to hide from the world? Probably not. I don't really have to think for myself here. I can sit, watch TV, eat, talk with my family and safely not get anything done. I basically got away with this all last year, the only difference is that now I care. Now I am used to being self sufficient. Now I want to grow and branch out and do things beyond my little bed nest. The challenge is kicking myself into gear.

So I guess maybe I do have some idea of what's going on inside after all.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, no fun. And I just want to go to OneThing so badly right now. I apparantly have somethings to sort out.
I'm in talks with Baylor this week, figuring that business out.
Doing no school work.
Sleeping more than I probably should be.
I have a lot of choices to make. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Ahhhhhh to be young (I am).

Bluebird

It would be ridiculous of me to even try to write about every that has happened in the last 3 months. College has been a whirlwind of friends, fun, not fun, homework, good food, bad food, sleep, theatre, movies, music, learning, tears, and laughter. It's almost poetic how much I've grown, how much I've learned about myself, and how much I've changed. I feel like a such a diferent person. Writing about it would have been good and smart, but this 3 month lag is what happens when you're required to keep a journal on your life for english class! I don't feel I have time for both. And I get graded on one. Now that winter is setting in I'm feeling especially like a melancholy. Deep, thoughtful, creative, a little nostalgic. I believe I spend more time thinking in one week of winter than I do for the entire of summer. Perhaps because my brain is in learning mode, or perhaps because I'm surrounded by my favorite things in winter and I find my self comfortable to think. The truth on that is ambiguous. I do love winter though. I mean I could live without temperatures that make my face hurt and slipping on ice, but thats only just now starting, so winter and I are still in the romantic obsessive phase of our relationship. I love the coziness of the season mostly. Sweaters, blankets, fires, hot drinks and foods, movies, snow, lights, the spirit of the world during the Christmas season. It's beautiful. There's a reason there's so many Christmas movies.
I am on Thanksgiving break right now and I am over the moon with joy about it. I was feeling so burned out and ready for a break. Even only 5 days. I'm only on my second day of break right now and I already feel more relaxed and myself. And Christmas break is just over the horizon! We go back to school Monday for a full week of papers, tests, and homework that may or may not be over due, but the week after that is finals week and then we're done for a full month! I'm so very grateful for it too :) A true blessing!
I"m in a unique place relationally right now. Some of my friendships are stuggling, some are stagnant, some are prospering, all are at a turning point. Life is a true adventure, moving so fast and so slow. I'm still figuring out who I am, and I'm really really enjoying it. I'm happy right now. I'm learning about coping through strife, which is building my character. And I'm working hard to depend solely on God, sometimes easy, sometimes not so much. I'm excited to see what happens next.

Word came through in a letter,
One of us changing our minds.
You won't need to guess who, since I usually do,
Not send letters to me that are mine.

I told you I saw this coming,
That I'd practically packed up my things.
Was glad at the time that I'd said I was fine but,
All honesty knows, I wasn't ready, no.

And so here we go bluebird,
Back to the sky on your own.
Oh let him go bluebird,
Ready to fly,
You and I,
Here we go.
Here we go.

This pair of wings worn and rusted,
From to many years by my side.
They can carry me swear to be,
Sturdy and strong but see,
Turning them on still means goodbye.

And so here we go bluebird,
Gather your strength and rise up.
Oh let him go bluebird.
Oh let him go bluebird.
Oh let him go bluebird.
Ready to fly,
You and I,
Here we go.
Here we go...

Day Eight: Create a bucket list, whether or not your aspirations or rational.

Listening to The Frames, in the Mac lab at the library at school! Wow. What a week and half it's been! Definitely a roller coaster ride. All blessings. Some in disguise, but definitely blessings anywhich. I'm truely happy to be here! It's pushing me and challenging me in ways that sometimes make me uncomfortable, but ways that I know will profit me ultimately. I'm trying to embrace all of my changes, making friends, embracing God's wisdom. I feel like I'be been here for a month, not a week and a half, but I know time will fly right past me from here on out. God is so good. All the time. He is all knowing and all fulfilling, and that has never been made clearer to me than since I've been here.

This bucket list will sooooo be a work in progress, but what the hey. Let's do it.

Completely Unofficial Bucket List:
1. Go to Europe, the UK, Bali, and Africa.
2. Make a pair of underwear. And want to wear them.
3. Graduate from college.
4. Pet a deer. (this is a Judson specific goal)
5. Get a tattoo.
6. Live in an apartment.
7. Live in a major city.
8. Go on a spontaneous road trip.
9. Learn conversational hebrew.
10. Keep an open mind.
11. Learn to play piano.
12. Take up some sort of sport.
13. Eat goat meat.
14. Jam with some one & learn to make jam.
15. Fall in love.
16. Befriend a homeless person.
17. Have a garden.
18. Learn to quiet my mind.
19. Lead a small group.
20. Own a pet.

Whoaaaaa that was cathartic. Look for more to come!
Here's to keeping off the freshman 15!
I really need to buy some jeans.

Grow up or throw up.

This is the theme of my life right now I feel like. haha. I start COLLEGE tomorrow. Well... technically I start college on Tuesday, but I move in tomorrow. Today will forever be termed "the day before my life changed for ever." Seriously. I'm going to call it that. Anyways. As of tomorrow where I eat, sleep, shower, socialize, learn, cry, laugh, trip, etc. will be different and, for the most part, new. Am I excited? Yes. Am I equal parts terrified? Yes. I am not a character who necessarily meshes well with change, so this whole idea scares the pants right off me, but I do love an adventure. And I gilmore girls taught me that eventually it is important to separate from your mother. haha. I have grown and gotten so much stronger throughout this process of applying, phone calling, emailing, scheduling, and finance organizing. It's really strange to think about where I was in my maturity this time last year, versus where I am right now, and where I will be 5 years from now. Granted. I still don't think I am mature enough for half of what I've needed to do for college so far... But it's in the principle I guess. So my next post will mos likely be made from the comfort of my top bunk. I never thought this day would come! haha. I always thought I would feel so grown up and ready! (which I don't fyi) But you know, as miley cyrus so famously sings, it's the climb! Sing it girl. haha :) I am so blessed by this whole experience. Now that all of the getting ready and organizing is over with, I can finally sit back and appreciate the process and how much it's meant to me. As stressful as some of it was. More than anything (I know I've said this before) growing up has taught me how to appreciate having fun. How to balance my priorities. & how growing up isn't all that bad, it's just different. I'm incredibly thankful for how much I've learned this year, this summer, and even this month. The Lord has been doing a number on my heart as I've been preparing for this new journey, and I can't wait to see what opportunites, lessons, and friendships I'm blessed with through out this year.

Tomorrow begins new experiences. New friends. New responsibilities. New battles. & New faith. I can't wait to write more about it :)
Yeah God!

Day Seven: Provide pictures of 5 celebrity crushes

Haha. So this one is funny to me/reveals a lot about my character. I've never really been much of a "celebrity crush" kind of girl. I've never really even been much of a "crush" kind of girl! haha. Meet Robert, Jack, Robert, & Zach. I know it says 5... but even 4 is a stretch for me. haha. This is 100% legit.

Day Six: Time to face morph: Pick one of the categories.

Oh my lanta. THAT is alarming. haha. I suppose instead of 30 day challenge this has become a "whenever I have time to do it" challenge. ahhhh well. can't win'em all. That's what I always say. Footloose is over now, & summer is drawing to a close. The ending of the show was so bittersweet. I can't believe that so many people are going to college and starting on new adventures, myself included. I don't know when I hit the point where friends of mine started dating for marraige and having children, but I did. I've certainly learned from it though. Number one lesson: Growing up means learning to enjoy life amidst responsibilities, not using stressing over them. God provides & works all things together for the good of those who love him, and that has yet to be proven to me more than it has been this year. I movie in at Judson by the grace of God in 10 short days and my time until then will be spent saying goodbye to those leaving and praying for the future of all of us. With some dorm shopping, job hunting, and text book ordering. College gives me sticker shock. Satan has really been attacking my heart lately while the Lord has been trying to change it. It's been exhausting to try and maintain my joy while being so down, but I have been trying! We are weak but he is strong. We talked yesterday at bible study (we were reading ephesians 5) about realtionships and activities that fill you up, and that is SO on my heart right now. Starting school I really need to surround myself with people who fill me up, and pay attention to those who don't. Just a thought!

Day Five: Share your favorite recipe.

I love to eat, and I actually think I'm getting to an age where I should start journaling my favorite recipes for when I move out/get married. So I'm going to do my 3 favorites :) Lasagne, Blueberry Cake, & Cheese sauce.

Let's start with the easiest!
My grandma's cheese sauce!(not to be confused with my grandpaws cheese sauce, that stuff is nasty.):
Ingredients:
Milk
Velveeta
Sharp cheddar cheese
Flour (to ratio of milk. approx 1/8 cup flour to 2 cups milk.)
Mustard powder

Combine milk in a saucepan with flour and just a pinch of mustard powder on high heat. Stir until the mixture starts to rise, turn off burner and let the mixture sit to thicken. Next add equal parts of the cheeses heat to mix and stir constantly so that it doesn't burn.
This sauce it good over chips, noodles, baked potatoes. anything really. Yummm. Thank you grandma!

Grandma's lasagne!:
3 1/2 c. canned tomatoes 8 oz pkg. mozzarella cheese
8 oz can tomato sauce 1 c. cream-style cottage cheese
1 envelope spaghetti sauce mix 1/2 c. greated parmesean cheese
2 cloves minced garlic
1 box lasagne noodles 1 can black olives, sliced
Cook noodles, strain, rinse w/ cold water, and set aside. Combine tomatoes, tomato sauce, spaghetti sauce mix, and garlic in a pan. Cover and let simmer 40 minutes, stirring occasionally. Salt to taste. place HALF (usually 4) of the noodles in a baking dish, cover with a third of the sauce, half the mozzarella, black olives, and half the cottage cheese. Repeat layers, ending with sauce. Top with parmesean cheese. Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes. Let stand 15 minutes.

Mrs. Schauer's Blueberry Cake:
Mix together 1 c. butter
3/4 c. sugar
2 eggs
pinch of salt
add 2 c. flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. lemon juice
little water
grease and flour baking pan. Top with 2-3 pts. blueberries & bake.



This made me ridiculously hungry. I'm going to do it more often :) I'm typing this all from my brand new laptop by the way. What a huge blessing!